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I've arrived internally at the decision to D in a few weeks. I've talked to a few trusted people (including my therapist) who've been along for the ride, and they all agree that it's a fair and sensible thing to do at this juncture, if sad. But I keep having internal monologues where I'm justifying the decision to myself. Ruminating on why I'm not attracted to WS anymore, for example.

I think deep down, I feel guilty! Which rationally I know is ridiculous, since I haven't done anything that I think is wrong, so why is my subconscious unable to let this go? I don't know if it's because of the delay in telling WS and our kid (I'm waiting for school and some other stuff to be out of the way). Is it anticipation of the pain this will cause our kid? I don't think I have any residual attachment to WS or the marriage, but maybe I do?

I'd love to know if others have felt this way or have any explanations for these feelings. I'm much better at intellectualizing than actually sitting with my feelings, lol.

You feel guilty because you operate from a place of kindness. Whatever you decide do it to protect yourself. Sometimes that is hard to do if you have been the guardian of everyone’s feelings but your own.

You should not feel guilty. You did everything possible to R but your wife continued cheating.

That’s like saying it’s my fault the drunk driver ran a red light and hit me.

It’s not your responsibility to make your wife happy or monogamous. And if she’s unable to provide you with a basic level of trust, I wonder how you could remain happily married anyway.

Well... Divorce can be viewed as acknowledging you did something that didn’t work out.
What is immensely worse than acknowledging something isn’t working out is to remain in an unhappy place. If you don’t see your happiness with him... the big sin, the big mistake would be to remain.

After all – we marry with this vision of growing old together, and now that’s not happening. Yes – we can recognize that he and his actions are about 99% of the reason this didn’t work, and we can acknowledge that after he lost his job and seemed to focus on his own misery more than his own healing then lately there has been some effort from him. But you don’t have any obligation to wait. You have agency in your own life and own future.

I’m going to encourage you to do the following:
Get a real clear picture of what divorce would look like.
The process, the timeline, the methods.
The likely outcome.

A competent attorney can give you with about 80% accuracy how this will end. Just remember the better info you have at the start the more precise the guestimate can be, and the lower the cost of the whole process.

I think that by doing this you gain two things:
First of all is a clear picture of your options. That might make you more welcoming of the divorce, or it might make you give the marriage another shot.
Second, it gives you some time to contemplate what path you want to go along on, and makes your options clearer. If that leads you to divorce, you might be more content with that decision.

It can be a lot of things mixed together. What bigger said. And also, you have been with him for 30 years, this is a huge step. I think guilt can play into it - you feel like you are pulling the trigger on breaking up the family for your own happiness. But he did that years ago and you have worked your butt off trying to pick up the pieces. But some of what you feel may be trepidation. I know you have been living independently but it’s a different step.

It’s normal to feel uncomfortable and try and comfort yourself. (Rumination is some people’s go to for comfort, it’s mine.) The rumination itself is something that you can work on to get to a place of peace. This has been one of the hardest habits to break for me and it’s taken a lot of practice. One thing you can do to reset is say "I wonder what my next thought will be?" There are green sounds you can play to help your brain rest. Vagus nerve work can be helpful as well.

Sometimes it helps me just to say "I am okay with feeling this way and doing it anyway" acceptance of our feelings can help us feel safe having them and feeling them.

I also think the anticipation of having to tell him (and your child) is another part of it. I think once it’s in motion there will be some relief, and then as you finalize probably a new flutter of anxieties. You can know you are logically making the right decision, it takes our emotions a bit of time to catch up. I imagine a year from now you will feel a lot happier and a lot more comfortable.

You feel guilty because you operate from a place of kindness. Whatever you decide do it to protect yourself. Sometimes that is hard to do if you have been the guardian of everyone’s feelings but your own.

Cooley, I feel called out. lol! You are 100% right, though. I have always been the "strong one" and even my kid once wrote that she admired me for my composure. This almost feels like a betrayal of that part of my identity, even though I know that my bones are cracking from holding up this family.

It’s not your responsibility to make your wife happy or monogamous. And if she’s unable to provide you with a basic level of trust, I wonder how you could remain happily married anyway.

The1stWife, I think you might have me confused with someone else? WS is male, and he hasn't continued to cheat (that I know of).

Bigger, thank you. I have spoken with an attorney, and I have a pretty good picture of how we can split our lives. One unknown is whether WS will agree to mediation, but I have some hope that he will. I am more nervous about the emotional fallout than the practical side.

I also think the anticipation of having to tell him (and your child) is another part of it. I think once it’s in motion there will be some relief, and then as you finalize probably a new flutter of anxieties. You can know you are logically making the right decision, it takes our emotions a bit of time to catch up. I imagine a year from now you will feel a lot happier and a lot more comfortable.

hikingout, definitely this. I hope you're right that once I'm dealing with the reality of it rather than anticipation, I will move toward a better frame of mind.

A lot of it still comes back to the kid, because I really don't know how she's going to react, and I am afraid of screwing up her grades (and therefore college prospects) by throwing her into emotional distress. I'm trying to practice zen and letting go of the outcome, but there's definitely a not-so-quiet voice accusing me of being selfish.

How far does she have until college?
And honestly it seems like she already would sense something isn’t right?

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:40 PM, Friday, May 16th]

I think it is normal. I also felt this way but knew I needed to do this as the M would never get better and my xWS would never stop being a narcissist. It’s hard on the kids, even though my kids knew the M was bad it still hurt them. It takes time for everyone to level out after a D. My ex still talks about how he could have made things better to the kids, but sometimes things are too little too late. Even if my xWS wasn’t a narcissist what he did with the multiple A’s and False R I just couldn’t get past it. I fell out of love and did not want to get the love back. I knew I was done. It’s hard as hell to get a D and break up the family unit.

Since the separation and divorce I have felt a lot better. More at peace and healthier mentally that’s how I knew it was the best decision even though it was hard on everyone.

I’m so sorry just know what you are feeling is completely normal and it won’t always feel this way. Sometimes I still get pangs of guilt especially when my kids say one day they had a family and now they don’t. But they have to remember what it did to me and my mental state that I wasn’t healthy or being the best mom I could be.