SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He claims he had no romantic feelings, physical desires, no crush, no limerence, just emotional closeness, even though she is attractive and a few years younger.

Is that possible?
I don't think so but he swears he never had romantic feelings or thought about wanting to be physical with her.
They laughed a lot, spent time alone, got to know each other well and were close, he went out of his way to spend time her at work, enough that he got "too attached", admits it was an emotional affair but is sticking to his story he wanted nothing more from her.
I'm really having a hard time believing this is possible.

BTW, I was suspicious and told him so and tried to connect with him about my fears with him and her but he stonewalled me and told me they were just friends and was secretive about how much time he spent getting to know her, and kept the depth of the friendship from me.
It caused me a lot of trauma and it has changed me and affected how I have felt in the marriage ever since. Not safe and not valued, even though years later he started treating me decent again.

It went on for 18 months.
Feed back appreciated.
Jaded Lady

Hello, I’m sorry you have found yourself here, my Husband confessed to a similar thing three years later, because of inconsistency with his story I contacted her, her side was also nowhere close to his so my husband actually asked me to book a polygraph. I chose the best, most experienced and most expensive polygraph examiner in the UK.
It cleared everything up that needed clearing up and was our starting point.
I knew that I could never have continued in our marriage without that polygraph result.

Only you know if you’re in a position to move forward, if you feel there’s something that you haven’t been told then you decide if you want to act on it, if your gut is screaming at you then listen to it.

I’m sorry you are going through this, I know how incredibly hard it is to be told long after the event, the emotional fallout is so vast.

Take care of yourself, there will be others along soon who will offer their more experienced advice but I just wanted to say you are not alone.

Sure it's possible. But his secrecy placed his relationship with her above his relationship with you, whether he felt sexual tension or not. That's a big betrayal on its own. And he kept it a secret for real reasons - one of which probably was sexual desire for his ap.

How do you want to deal with that? How is your WS dealing with that?

Thank you, Bruce123, and Sisoon for your comments.
I can't figure how to reply to each comment separately!

Not sure how I want to proceed. Just wish I could forget it and move on with life but it is with me morning, noon and night as intrusive thoughts.
Not something I want to live with and since I was doing IC for years during this and after, and gaslit and made to feel like I was imagining it all,
not sure I want to spend time in IC again. Definitely not trusting of MC either.

I was hoping time would heal but it left me bitter all these years knowing but not really knowing.

Just find it hard to believe there was no romantic or sexual desire so still feel like there's a lack of honesty which. doesn't help towards trying to rebuild trust.

For him it's all a distant memory and not something that's bothered him over the years or so I can see anyway. Now, he "loves me" and wants to be with me but boy he was cold as a witches titty when he was knee deep in his close "friendship" even thought he had no romantic or sexual desire for. Just not buying it and feel like it's dishonesty.

Jaded,

If you feel there’s dishonesty then you need think about what it is you want.

Coldness doesn’t equal feeling, I struggled immensely with the ‘feelings’ part and still do. Coldness usually indicates guilt IMO.

An emotional affair is still a betrayal of trust. Being cold, keeping things secret, getting "too attached" to a woman who isn't your wife - these are not acceptable behaviors. And it wasn't until "years later he started treating me decent again"!

JadedLady, he's minimizing the damage he did, and you're trying your best to rug sweep and live with the pain he caused. No wonder you have trauma and intrusive thoughts! If you're tired of trying and tired of IC and don't trust him with MC, then perhaps it's time accept that the marriage is over. We can spend years attempting to get through this kind of pain only to find that our feelings have changed on the other side. Holding in this kind of pain is toxic. So what if he loves you now? You don't owe him anything for that.

If you're still carrying bitterness, hurt, and suspicion, then you haven't reconciled. Ending a years-long marriage is an incredibly painful decision, but there can be peace on the other side. If you can't make peace with your present circumstances, maybe do a trial separation and see how you feel?

I guess we can all only know our own mind, but if I find a person physically attractive, having at least a brief fantasy about being physical with them is the natural consequence. Obviously I don't generally linger on it, or make dysfunctional and bad decisions related to that attraction. But what goes on in my mind... it's catch and release. Can we make that out as "didn't want to be physical", sure maybe, I guess. But in my opinion it is at best a pretty blurry line between pure attraction and the desire to be physical with someone.

I do not, for one minute, believe he had no emotional or sexual feelings for her. I am a woman so I asked several men about a situation like this and they all said sexual interest is always there. It goes with being male. I take their word for it.

He might never had acted on it but the coldness is part of the mating ritual where the intense feelings he had for his AP was all he thought about. This is why you are still angry. Your common sense told you what he was up to. He was having an affair, EA or PA does not matter. He shut you out. That is what matters.

Whatever goes on in your marriage is not my place to be. I think you need a poly.

Edit to add, you are still gripped by this because you know he has lied about his thoughts, actions and feelings for years. All of us have secret thoughts. Occasionally I will listen to my husband go on and on about a car and I want him to shut up so badly but I don’t tell. He gets frustrated because he wants me to do something the way he does it and on his timeline. I can tell he would like to shake me but he doesn’t. Those secrets are better left unsaid. Your husband’s secrets are corrosive. They are ruining your happiness and the marriage. What is he getting out of watching you be miserable? That would be my question.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 1:16 PM, Friday, July 4th]

If this is a deal breaker for you, then it is. You didn't create this - he did. He gave you the reasons not to trust him. I don't think you need to do anything else to prove or disprove it. Or, even try to figure it out any further. The decisions that he made, are enough. The feelings that you had then and now, are enough. The every day, week after week, month after month, year after year, wondering where you stand - are enough to move on from this mental torture and trauma.