Long story short, discovered husband of 18 years having emotional affair last September. Left me and our daughter, he moved into a hotel to wait for his AP to leave her husband - she never did. November he wanted to come home, which I allowed with conditions. He lasted 1 day not contacting his AP (which no contact was one of my conditions), I told him he couldn't come back. He had a mental break down, threatened to harm himself, and was hospitalized. When he was released he stayed with his family and then a short term rental for December and January. He came to me in January wanting to meet all of my conditions and reconcile. I agreed. We both understood it would be hard work but wanted to recommit to our marriage. We skated thru February not really addressing anything, we were exhausted. March, I joined his therapy sessions as marriage counseling. He clearly had glossed over a lot with the therapist prior to me joining and had her seeing thru rose colored glasses. We did 3 sessions of therapy together before the counselor said she couldn't help us until he worked on more of himself (he wanted to avoid the affair and not hear any of my feelings about it). April, he was making poor decisions (texting with a random woman at a bar, come to find out he told her he was divorced) At this point I became numb - it was obviously a pattern, not an isolated incident. May I found out by phone records that he was in touch with a friend of the original AP, in order to "keep in touch" because they decided to remain friends. We basically were separated under the same roof at that point. He was unwilling to do anything to change his behaviors or work toward recommitting. June he declared that he is not "in love with me anymore and hasn't been for a while." During those months of living this nightmare, I was in the panic, fix it, devastated, desperate phase. July was spent getting things in order, preparing for him to move out (which he chickened out 3 weeks in a row). Last weekend, he finally moved out. Now that he is not here, I feel like I can think clearer now and see a lot of things in hindsight. I clearly thought our relationship was stronger than it was. I clearly did not know the man I was married to. I think he has had a midlife crisis but what is frustrating is his lack of wanting to make things better. He claims he is doing my daughter and I a favor by moving out and giving us the life we deserve (without him). I have done and said nearly everything I can to show him what he means to me but he obviously does not see my worth, he does not value our marriage, he doesn't want a future with me. He was the love of my life, my best friend, and now I see him as dishonest, cowardly, and an avoider. When we talk on the phone, it is short, about what our daughter is up to, the weather, the news - but he never asks how I am or shares how he is. I am struggling with detaching from a partner I thought I had. He is who I want to tell things to, share funny things that happen, ask advice from. Will he ever know how he has truly changed me, devastated me, what he meant to me, how he hurt me. It would nice to hear I was appreciated and recognize that I gave more chances than I should have. Will he ever miss me as much as I miss what I thought we had. How do they just shut off feelings for someone who would have gone to the ends of the earth for them?
