SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Frankly I am scared to post this, but I believe I need to have this attitude to go all in on reconciliation. My wife from the jump has indicated she wants to stay together. I know it is early and subject to change and I think that has kept me from fully embracing this wonderful gift. I am afraid she will decide one day the reasons she wants to stay are not enough to overcome the reasons she should leave. That keeps me from being fully open emotionally for fear that the pain if she leaves will be so much greater if I am fully open and vulnerable.

I am really just starting to unpack long buried emotions going all the way back to my childhood trauma and understanding the impact it has always had on me. One thing that is clear is that I have very much underestimated how much my own experiences created a fear of being rejected by those who should love unconditionally. This has been one of the things that contributed to me projecting the person I thought people wanted rather than living as my authentic self.

Knowing that does not seem to lessen the anxiety that I feel about my wife potentially leaving, but helps me to understand why I have that anxiety in the face of her reassuring me she is with me for the long haul. I am fully aware the choice to reconcile is fluid, but we are coming off a great week of vacation in one of our favorite spots and for the first time I am realizing that I need to embrace this chance fully despite the knowledge that if she changes her mind the devastation will be exponentially worse. I refuse to sully her gift by holding anything back. She deserves 100% of my effort.

We have a long road ahead. Despite this being a great week we both had some triggering moments, hard conversations, and both shed tears. That said I feel closer to my wife right now than I ever had. Feeling safe enough to share the darkest parts of you with someone is something I have never felt. We are building a new relationship from the ash heap of the one I destroyed and for the first time the foundation is one of total honesty.

She is an amazing person. I have always known this and that adds to the shame and guilt of the damage I have done, but also really drives me to be better. I have a long way to go to get in the same universe she inhabits, but her love and support anchors me and tells me that I have worth. She would not be putting in this effort if she did not see something that makes it worth it.

Does not change the fact that I will be beyond utterly devastated if she eventually chooses to leave me, but I refuse to let that inhibit our chance to build a relationship that will stand forever. So grateful for my wife.

I am afraid she will decide one day the reasons she wants to stay are not enough to overcome the reasons she should leave. That keeps me from being fully open emotionally for fear that the pain if she leaves will be so much greater if I am fully open and vulnerable.

A couple of thoughts here, friend.

I don't like the word "should" being used in the context of human behavior. In science, it's a reasonable term. If you're holding an object and let go it should fall to the ground. Perfectly reasonable and true. It is not reasonable and true that a betrayed spouse "should" leave a marriage. It's not a law of physics.

It may seem like pure semantics until you realize how it affects your thinking. For instance, believing that your wife "should" leave precludes your acceptance of her grace. So, you "should" be afraid, which impairs your ability to be vulnerable, open and honest.

I'll let you in on a little secret, just because I think you're a good man. One of the many things a betrayed spouse is looking for in reconciliation is courage.

Courage to face the consequences head on. Courage to dig inside as deeply as possible. Courage to be vulnerable.

Rephrase it:

I am afraid she will decide one day the reasons she wants to stay are not enough to overcome the reasons she could choose to leave. That keeps me being fully open emotionally for fear that the pain if she leaves will be so much greater if I am not fully open and vulnerable.

Did not even realize that when I posted, but obviously symptomatic of the shame I still harbor. Great feedback as always. I am finding myself more and more able to recognize guilt rather than shame and feel like I am showing up way better than I thought I would at this point. Still days I feel like my wife is more supporting me, but getting better.

I am showing up

It certainly seems that way. Hense the grace.

FVL

Like your W, I have recommitted to our M after finding out the truth so many years later. Like you, my H is fearful at times that I could change my mind and pull the plug. It's his opening up and bearing his soul that keeps me in the game. All these years we've been separated by his secrets. I'd felt it. I just didn't know why. Now I do and I won't go back to the way things were. I need him showing up 24/7 with courage and confidence.

Be brave. Trust your W. Give her everything.

Great post.

One thing that is clear is that I have very much underestimated how much my own experiences created a fear of being rejected by those who should love unconditionally. This has been one of the things that contributed to me projecting the person I thought people wanted rather than living as my authentic self.

Me too! This was hard for me to recover from but I feel like being able to move towards authenticity and allowing myself to be truly seen by my husband while definitely a journey with bursts of progress and at times regression, was what healed me. His love healed so much in me, and that too was a huge gift that I don’t think k I could appreciate until my soul was exposed to the daylight so to speak.

I relate so much to your posts, and the profound recognition that you have that took me years to glean.

Being vulnerable is hard but that intimacy and connection you craves is now possible. This was your best case scenario. And while nothing is ever guaranteed in this whole walk I think you are safer to go all in than if you don’t. I feel this site is filled with pages of bs who are in misery because their ws can’t do exactly that.

I am so happy for you. Today. Not some future version of you or your marriage. The progress is unfolding and I think the future ahead is bright. Best wishes.

FVL - I'm pleased to hear reconciliation is going well. I'm now 9 months from discovering my husband's affair that ended nearly 13 years ago.

Your posts and your journey resonate with me. My husband is in IC and has also discovered he struggled to be vulnerable and authentic with me. I find myself sad that he essentially wore a mask his whole life, people pleasing, avoiding deep emotions and even close friendships (the one friendship he did have was the one he betrayed). And I realise how much his mums affair and subsequent divorce affected him as a teenager. I feel he must have felt lonely never really being authentic.

The man I have now is finally being vulnerable and authentic and I'm hopeful we can make it.

Finding out so many years later is so hard though...my husband cannot give me exact dates as to when the affair officially started and ended as he says he can't remember (I know approximately e.g. mid 2010 - mid 2012). All messages from that time are gone so it's hard to go back and verify things. It's also hard to for him to remember exact thoughts/feelings from that time and I keep wondering when did he feel guilty? When did the fog lift? How did he live with the secret for so long as now he is so remorseful?. I would interested to know if you have experienced similar in terms of recalling dates/thoughts/feelings? And how you coped with the secret for so long? If you don't want to answer that's perfectly understandable, I just would love to hear from the mindset of a man who experienced a similar affair to my husband (my husband's affair started when I was pregnant with our 3rd child and was a PA for one year followed by a sporadic year of sexting) and also seems to now be a truly remorseful husband.

First have to say thank you to everyone and especially hikingout. I have been reading responses with my wife and it is emotional, but helpful.

Evio - your husband's experience resonates with me. I also started drinking heavily and abusing substances (in retrospect that seems to have been a numbing / coping mechanism) so remembering exact details is difficult. I can give firm dates on a lot of the time period as I keep meticulous financial records and actually had a designated category for money I spent on / with AP. This helped me put a firm timeline together. In some ways I wish I did not as the details have been some of the most painful aspects to my wife (ie sending flowers, overnight stays in hotels when she was out of town, etc).

Although I have a timeline and can recollect many details (I have a steel trap photographic memory) lots of our discussions result in me expressing that I feel like I am describing someone else. I have changed so much over the last 20 years (largely due to the influence of my wife) and remembering my choices and actions often feels like I am remembering a movie I saw long ago. I can remember scenes and dialogue, but feel like I am often guessing at the underlying feelings and motivations.

To answer some of the specific questions you have:

When did I feel guilty - just the other day I was explaining how much of a wall I had during the affair and in the 3-4 years after it. The ability to compartmentalize is hard to describe when you have not lived your life hiding parts of yourself so long that it becomes an unconscious reflex. My wife often asks how I was able to project the person I presented with so much trauma (lots from before we met that I never disclosed and much after including the affair). I cannot explain it other than to say when I was in one world I never thought about the other and think that is my brain protecting itself as I would have likely had a mental breakdown (and almost did when the wall in my mind started to dissolve). I still remember the first crack in the wall and it happened almost six years after the affair officially ended. I flew several family and friends in to surprise my wife for her 40th birthday. We had a weekend that started with a surprise dinner at a nice restaurant with everyone including local friends. I remember watching how happy my wife was and remember thinking wtf have I done to this person I love more than anything in the world. Those cracks become more frequent and bigger, but the wall started crumbling down in a big way when I took 18 months off after selling a company and we spent almost all of our time together. Then COVID hit and I started a new job working remotely. That coincided with becoming empty nesters. The more time I spent with her and the closer we became the more impossible it was to not feel tremendous guilt and shame. Eventually I realized I was either going to have a mental breakdown or I needed to find a way forward. I spent months (including some pretty deep depression) trying to determine if I would do more damage than good by disclosing. I started IC with a betrayal specialist to help guide that. The support from this site was also very helpful in processing how to proceed. In short, I was able to compartmentalize for years before I started to feel the guilt and shame, but eventually it became overwhelming.

When did the fog lift - my affair may have been different than some in that the limerance was pretty short lived, but the affair continued off and on for a few years. That is something that perplexes my wife and is hard for me to explain. I was self medicating in a big way and remember feeling trapped by the AP (lots of times I would make up excuses for why I could not see her). Why I was not able to just go full NC during that time is not something I can explain, but I think it was partially because there was an element of safety with the AP as she knew all of my dark secrets.

One of the key aspects of my IC has been deconstructing how much damage and trauma I brought into the marriage. I had a pretty traumatic FOO and was sexually active from a very young age. By the time I met my wife I thought I had turned my life around so never disclosed so much of my past, but was still carrying lots of shame. That really established a pattern of me hiding things I felt shame about from her. I also never processed the trauma from my own family and that really created a barrier to establishing a foundational relationship with my wife (I had no idea what a real relationship was as my FOO had none). These are not excuses as other people with similar issues do not betray their spouses, but have helped me understand both what contributed to my choices and how I was able to hide and compartmentalize during and after the affair.

Not sure how much of that will apply to your husband. I feel guilty talking about the trauma from my affair when my wife and I talk and even posting here to other BS, but I firmly believe the betrayal traumatized me resulting in my ability to compartmentalize. It may also alter the ability to remember if your husband is similar. I know that sucks and I told my wife I wish I would have journaled during the affair for both our sakes (so I could give her answers and so I could better understand why I was so fucked up). We were talking yesterday and I told her I often try to think what I would want to know if our positions were reversed. Knowing what I know now and realizing that infidelity is not the result of the BS or the marriage, but rather because the WS is broken, I would like to think I would have a better understanding; however, I am pretty sure that I would have all the same questions and hurt that she is experiencing. I will answer any question or give any information that I can, but wish I could better explain or recollect.

I wish you all the best. Your wife gets to make her own choices, she deserves that, but I’ll just say that if my XW had taken anything like the posture you are I’m certain we would have remained married and even likely happy. I hope and pray for both of you that you continue walking in courage and honor and that you show vulnerability, overcoming your past. You have a hell of a debt to pay off. I’d guess that your wife is the type to say she doesn’t hold it against you, and she probably means it, God bless her. But this injury is not the standard cut that needs a few stitches. It’s at best a near death experience emotionally, and she is going to need to see a lot from you over a long period of time. Become your best self, and be her caring nurse where she will let you. I genuinely hope this works out for both of you.

I can remember scenes and dialogue, but feel like I am often guessing at the underlying feelings and motivations.

Don't guess. I can almost guarantee that your wife isn't going to accept a guess and let it go at that. Oh, no. You're going to have to do better than that.

I'd imagine that you really don't want to go there, digging it all up and sort of reliving it. Can't say as I blame you. And it might take a while, which is fine. Far more important, I think, than taking a guess.

FVL thank you so much for your reply. My husband did not spend any money on AP, there were no dates or hotels...it was literally a few sleazy late night hook ups at her home while her husband was away and her children were asleep in bed. Other than that it was all sexting so it's really hard to get dates/times and he also has a terrible memory anyway unless it's to do with cars for some reason!

My husband says the same that it feels like he is talking about a different person and in many ways he is. He used to be so hot headed, argumentative and impulsive (ADHD). I would hide all the credit cards to stop him paying for things in them and then forgetting to pay them off. He was slack with parenting, bills and responsibilities in general. However, around 2013/2014 (the affair ended 2012) I started to notice a change. I started studying and he started to help more, be more responsible, more loving and more dependable. I started to fully trust him and instead of feeling suspicious I would ask him if he had ever cheated in me and he would always swear he hadn't. Life got better and better and I have felt closer than ever to him the past 5 years then boom...text from an old 'friend' telling me they had an affair years ago then refusing to give me any details. I still don't know why she did this other than finding out she'd had another affair and her marriage ended but she was blaming her marriage breakdown on her husband's inability to get over the affair with my husband.

Anyway, my husband didn't have a traumatic childhood as such but his family broke down at 16 when his mum left his dad for an affair partner, his dad left the country and my husband joined the army. He then met a girl, she cheated on him. So it seems he then decided to become a wayward himself and cheated with the AP when he was with his new girlfriend and then several years later when married to me.

Despite the pain he has caused, I feel empathy for the boy who never healed from his mother's affair, who lacked parental direction and was raised in the army where infidelity was normalised.

He says he tried to compartmentalise it but would often wake up crying over the years. I know he definitely became more attentive, kinder, more generous after the affair.

Like you, he also credits the change in his behaviour to my influence.

I will say finding out years later has it's own unique challenges. I want to go back and divorce the man who cheated on me whilst I was carrying his baby, who carried it on for 2 years (like you sporadically) whilst I raised our children. Who risked his children being raised in poverty (we were broke and a divorce would have been so difficult) and risked their stability and happiness.
But if I divorce my husband now, I'm punishing a man he and I no longer recognise. It is so cognitively challenging knowing what to do. Infidelity was always a deal breaker for me and I know I would have divorced him at the time, but now? The man he is now - and even more so since DD - is all I've ever wanted and I know I contributed into shaping him into that man and I really, really don't want to leave that man.

Evio - your comments are so similar to my wife's perspective. I do not use childhood trauma as an excuse, but I also do not discount it's ability to really mess people up. I am in my early 50's and the reality is we did not talk about mental health when I was experiencing most of my trauma. The abandonment issues really surfaced in terrible ways that I have only started to understand.

Although I will get negative comments for this, my wife has often said she is glad that I did not disclose this 20 years ago when we had young children and it was so recent. I think it gives her confidence that it would never happen again (I have a visceral reaction and get physically ill at the thought ever since my affair ended) and allowed me to work on myself so I am someone she can consider a future with.

With all that said, I am still fully aware that reconciliation is not certain. We are in our early days and are both fully in on reconciling, but nothing is guaranteed. I am so in awe of her (and you) for your efforts to reconcile. It is a gift beyond measure and I am sure you husband is so grateful for it also. My therapist continues to tell me that the brain can heal with time. I have to believe that as I cannot imagine either my wife or me feeling like we do now forever. I am encouraged by the success stories on this site and I firmly believe that our marriage is on a much better foundation than it ever was before. It sucks that our former marriage and my wife are the collateral damage from my choices and I will live with that for the rest of my life, but have to focus on the future and doing everything I can to be a whole and loving husband. That is what my wife wants from and for me.

I read your recent post about triggers and got emotional as it is a reminder of how much damage infidelity inflicts. When I get into my ruminating thoughts it is so easy for me to want to crawl into a hole and shame spiral, but I know that will not be helpful to either my wife or me. I believe in reconciliation, but am finding out how difficult that process is and know it is going to be a long journey. I would give up all my wealth if I could send my mind back to my 29-year old self so he would not make those choices as the cost is so high.

I am very much pulling for you and your husband. Your strength is inspiring.

FVL - I completely understand where your wife is coming from when she says she's glad you didn't disclose 20 years ago. If my husband had disclosured at the time, we were under so much financial and emotional stress raising our children with autism/adhd, juggling work and no family support...I would not have coped well at all. Financially I would have ended up struggling, my husband feels his family would have convinced him to move back to their home town so would have limited contact with our children and if I'm truly honest, I was impacted by my own childhood trauma and very immature myself and I don't think I would have been able to be civil with my husband even for the children.

I am much more mature and emotionally regulated now and in the past two years my own childhood traumas were addressed openly and I am at peace with my childhood as much as I can be. This also meant I was already in therapy when the ow disclosed the affair and I'm sure that has helped me. I often wonder if the universe/god/whoever timed it so I dealt with everything att once and had a chance to start anew.

Please tell your wife she is not alone in going through this and I hope things work out for you both.

I'm so glad to hear this feelingverylow, I remember you from when you first started posting. I remember that you thought you knew what your wife was thinking and feeling. What have you learned about her? And how has your faith changed (deepened, i hope) over the past few months?

Thanks for checking in Pippin. To answer your first question - it took about one second into my initial disclosure to realize I had no idea what my wife was thinking or feeling. In our many subsequent talks as well as IC sessions I have come to believe that the narratives I had in my head were a coping mechanism that made the pain and trauma I was feeling easier for me. In retrospect, I can see a timeline for when my compartmentalization really started to crumble and it correlates with us become empty nesters. One of my narratives was my wife either knew and was either going to leave when the kids were adults or would continue in a "fake" marriage for convenience. Both seem laughably ridiculous now, but likely helped me reduce the shame I was feeling. I was still holding onto the idea that she might know up until I disclosed, but the look of horror and pain made me realize how off I was.

We are employing radical honesty and transparency and although uncomfortable at times I am shocked that I have been able to tell her so much about myself that I have hidden for years. Part of my work in IC has been deconstructing the trauma from my FOO that I have minimized for years. Lots of things I have never told anyone as well as unpacking the impact my family issues have had on me. I keep waiting for the look of horror on her face and she has shown nothing but compassion.

I know this is not the norm, but we both believe reconciliation would be totally different (maybe impossible?) if I had disclosed many years ago. I do not think I could have processed what I had done in a way that facilitates reconciliation. Some days are very hard and when I see the hurt and tears I have to dig deep to stay away from shame spirals, but I really believe we are building a solid foundation built on honesty. She knows everything about me and is still willing to try and reconcile and that has provided me safety in a way I have never had. She is so strong and I often worry that she is more of a support for me than I am to her.

My faith in her as well as Christ has been strengthened. I am pretty open minded and think there are several paths back to God, but we are both Christians and I believe Christ suffered and died so all of our sins and pain can be lifted. All of us will come to the chasm that separates us from God (and certainly the gap is bigger for some than others), but I believe Christ will enable us to cross that chasm. I feel like I am working on reconciling myself to God and my faith now that I have disclosed everything.

Thanks for the support. I have said this before, but do not think I could have reached this point without this site.