SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

I am now 9 months post DD when I found out about my husband's historic affair and I was doing really well. Counselling for both of us was doing well and I'm now seeing my counsellor fortnightly and feel like in a weird way I have more self esteem, self worth and authencity than ever before. I have realised I am a good person, a good mother and have been a good wife. I did not deserve to be cheated on and I feel my husband was on a path of his own destruction that he would have taken regardless of who he was married too.

He is now turning into the husband I have always wanted and deserved and I believe he truly loves me and our children. He has looked into his how's and why's and continues to address them in individual counselling which is a miracle from a man who used to avoid emotions.

However, this fortnight I have been so triggered. We had my youngest son's birthday which triggered me as he started the affair when I was pregnant so my son was born to an unfaithful father. Then it was my birthday and I remembered how he spoilt my birthdays during the affair, particularly my 30th birthday when I cried I was so disappointed. Then we have my graduation this weekend coming up (somehow i managed to graduate from my master's in between the trauma!). Finally, his conflict avoidant parents, (who have been very unsupportive and his mother cheated and left his dad for AP) are coming to stay this weekend and I'm terrified that they're going to trigger me with their insensitivity, or making light of my trauma (they think I should have gotten over it...urm, probably about 8 months ago!).

This has set me back to questioning how he could do this, and if I can stay. I love him, I love spending time with him, I love our family, I love our future plans, I love our life and I know he loves me BUT, there is always a BUT now. But he cheated. But he disrespected me. But he was a shitty husband and father to do this. But, but, but!

I hate what our marriage stands for now, this stain upon it, the broken vows, the lies, the inauthenticity it contains, the lack of trust and the pain within it. I'm dreading our wedding anniversary in January followed a week later by DD. I never wanted THIS marriage.

I believe in post traumatic growth. I know I will come out of this stronger. I know I will be ok with or without my husband. But, all I really want is peace and right at this moment in time, this triggered version of me feels I cannot find peace with or without my husband 😞

[This message edited by Evio at 5:35 PM, Monday, October 20th]

Finally, his conflict avoidant parents, (who have been very unsupportive and his mother cheated and left his dad for AP) are coming to stay this weekend and I'm terrified that they're going to trigger me with their insensitivity, or making light of my trauma (they think I should have gotten over it...urm, probably about 8 months ago!).

I feel for you here. First of all - I'm not sure I could have had that dynamic stay in my home. But IF this scenario comes to fruition and your WH does not stand up for you and tell his mother and/or AP to STFU or GTFO - you know where you stand and it is no where close to the top.

Congratulations on getting your Masters - bonus stars for getting it under such horrific circumstances.

Hi Chaos...it's my husband"s mum and dad that are coming to stay. They are amicable now and the AP is not on the scene (I don't think he ever left his wife)... cheating was quite normalised in his family as not only did his mum cheat, his aunt and sister both have children from affairs.

I've put off their visit for 9 months...they have been messaging my children asking them to visit and saying they miss them and as my MIL has cancer i really can't put it off any longer. Luckily I have counselling on day 2 of their visit so I will be able to offload then.

Thanks for the congratulations, really don't know how I've achieved it as ive experienced a ridiculous amount of stress the past two years!

Evio -

I hate what our marriage stands for now, this stain upon it, the broken vows, the lies, the inauthenticity it contains, the lack of trust and the pain within it. I'm dreading our wedding anniversary in January followed a week later by DD. I never wanted THIS marriage.

I certainly recall this particular trigger, this take.

I can't say if you will find a perspective like mine as you heal either.

My current perspective about my M -- it is the M I wanted (finally).

It was never authentic before the A. Both my wife and I played roles to avoid conflict, avoid problems and our communication methods were horrible, so whenever we tried to have difficult discussions they set us back. It was series of bad compromises and bad trades. My M before included resentments from both of us.

One thing hasn't changed for me in a decade, I still hate the A. I hate it. I feel good about hating it. Yeah it happened, but it gets to stay in the past.

However, it was the cleansing fire that changed everything in our relationship.

Today, our relationship is honest and authentic and we hammer out any new issues or old triggers in a matter of minutes. We talk. We care about each other more than ever before. We ditched the bullshit. No games, no masks. We replaced how we talk at each other with listening and kindness.

I celebrate that we somehow found happiness after the worst days neither of us planned for.

So few M make it to the other side of infidelity, fewer still find happiness and joy.

Every life, every M experiences pain -- and infidelity is never one of those horrors that people plan to experience. I just appreciate that we found a way to be better despite the unique pain of this stuff.

As for you today, I totally understand your trigger. I think I didn't embrace the work we were doing in R until I believed it, which was probably the start of year three. It may not feel like it , but you may actually be farther along in your healing than I was at the same time.

And crushing your Masters! Well done!

I could barely tie my shoes the first year after discovery.

What about having a conversation with them before they arrive and setting up boundaries and rules? Tell them up front what is and is not allowed and should they say or do anything to make you uncomfortable they will be told to leave and no, your husband, their son, will not intervene on their behalf.

This way everybody knows up front what is expected and allowed and they know the consequences should they not follow your rules in your home

Evio, I feel ya. The rollercoaster just fucking sucks, doesn't it?

We had my youngest son's birthday which triggered me...

I had moments like those, when I felt comfortable, normal, happy, relaxed, I was smiling, enjoying the moment, and then... just a thought, a glimpse of the white rabbit and I found myself falling into the depths of the rabbit hole.

I hate what our marriage stands for now, this stain upon it, the broken vows, the lies, the inauthenticity it contains, the lack of trust and the pain within it. I'm dreading our wedding anniversary in January followed a week later by DD. I never wanted THIS marriage.

For me, d-day was the day my marriage ended. It was over. Two months later I was talking to a divorce lawyer. Infidelity is a deal-breaker. I grieved the end of my marriage. I grieved the loss of the wife I thought knew. And for what? Ego kibbles, external validation?

Infidelity permanently and fundamentally alters the nature of a relationship. It might help you to view your marriage as history. It may help you to find the peace your looking for. Not a solution in itself, but a small piece of the puzzle.

As for wedding anniversaries, d-day antiversaries, and in-lwas... set your boundaries and stand your ground.

I should add... reconciliation requires, I think, building and defining a "new deal," starting from scratch, so to speak. Terms and conditions will apply, you know?

A BS can anticipate many of the triggers life holds for them, but the tough ones are unexpected, and those hurt a lot. In the end, though, I think every trigger is pain coming to the surface so it can be released. They jurt, but they are progress in healing, unless one stuffs the feelings.

My reco is to roll with them. Accept them. Check each one to see if it's an indicator that you really want out. Test your WS by seeking support, to find out if they'll step up or not.

Triggers last longer than anyone thinks they should. Eventually, if you let them do their work, they'll stop. My experience and reading say they will get less frequent and less intense as you heal; if they don't, it may be that you're avoiding an issue.

The Body Keeps Score probably provides insight into triggering, though in recent years it's been criticized on conceptual and empirical grounds.

Oldwounds ...thank you for your reply. Our marriages sound similar in terms of communication but this has improved greatly over the past few years to the point I can't ever imagine either of us speaking to each other like we did during the early years of our marriage (including his affair). However, my husband still struggled with conflict avoidance and we struggled with his people pleasing meaning he put others before our marriage and family. This has changed a lot since DD and he is so much more open with communications and has put boundaries in place with family. I think I also talked too much and didn't listen enough and I am now able to have better conversations with my husband where I listen and actually consider what he says before I respond.

I think this new authentic version of the marriage is closer to what I've always wanted - it's kinder, more authentic and more equal - but it's so hard to let go of the past marriage especially as the years since the affair were still good. I feel this is where it is sometimes harder (or maybe just different) finding out years later as you can't just draw a line under the old marriage and start again...what about the 12 years between the affair ending and me finding out? Are they wasted years? It's a lot to get my head around.

I'm shocked and pleased you feel I might be further along that you were at this stage as I often look at your reconciliation as a benchmark for me.
...something to aim for, so your words mean a lot. I think my study has been a lifeline keeping me a float and I am so grateful I had it to channel my energy into.

WB - I have mentioned what you have said to my husband but I doubt he will. He has the strangest dynamic with his mum where he literally can't say anything to her...for years she has bought him medium clothes when he wears a large but he wouldn't dream of telling her it wasn't the right size.

He says he feels guilty for the way he treated her and moving away as a teenager when her affair came to light and the family broke down. He says he keeps things civil to avoid arguing with her.

Unhinged...this is where I struggle with seeing the old marriage as history s the 12 years between the affair and DD were good. It feels like by seeing my marriage as history I'm erasing my family's history, my children's childhood, my life.

I struggle with this whether we stay together or not. It feels like my life story has been ripped up in front of my eyes.

Sissoon...I have heard good things about that book, I'll try it. I see what you mean about the triggers being pain...it feels like pure grief that just bubbles to the surface no matter how hard I try not too. In fact holding it in makes my jaw lock and my heart rate rocket so I know I need to lean into the pain.

I'm just tired. I said to my husband it felt like I woke up a happy, grounded person on DD then it was like some one turned off the gravity in my world and I've been free falling in space ever since and I'm just so bloody tired and just want to feel grounded, secure and at peace again and I'm so scared I never will regardless of whether I reconcile or divorce

Evio —

I think this new authentic version of the marriage is closer to what I've always wanted - it's kinder, more authentic and more equal - but it's so hard to let go of the past marriage especially as the years since the affair were still good. I feel this is where it is sometimes harder (or maybe just different) finding out years later as you can't just draw a line under the old marriage and start again...what about the 12 years between the affair ending and me finding out? Are they wasted years? It's a lot to get my head around.

I’m doubling down on how far ahead me you are in your healing at just nine months out from dday.

And, by taking care of you and continuing your studies also displays tremendous strength. My day to day work suffered quite a bit the first year or more after discovery.

Ah, the dreaded "finding out years later" unique curse.

The years of the A being kept secret.

What are those?

For a while, I simply labeled those years "the Dark Ages."

I was literally kept in the dark, I lived a separate reality.

Suddenly, the movie The Matrix made a lot more sense, as the characters had to decide if they preferred the lies of their Matrix world or wanted a life with the hard truth.

For me, I am far happier with the hard truth.

I can’t say it would have been better to know sooner, I am not sure any of us are ever prepared to learn that secret. I found out when I found out and it took me several years to put reality back together and then move forward.

I don’t call the years in between the Dark Ages anymore.

All I did was love my family during those years.

I did the very best I could with the information I had.

My kids got to grow up with our little family being together, and if I ended up worse for wear, but they turned into happy, well adjusted young adults, then I’m good with that.

My wife failed and fell, but she got back up and learned from her worst days. She certainly wasn’t a great parent during the A, but she definitely went all in on being a better mother once the A was done, and her care of them — and our parental team-up — is reflected in them today.

My life, my M is full of scars, physical and emotional — like everyone else.

My M is the whole thing. The good days before the A, the horror show A and then the tears and healing after the A, to the good days today. One big messy life, which I love, warts and all.

I had to overcome an adversity I never asked for and I am very proud of me for conquering that adversity, without missing a minute as being a pretty cool Dad.

Maybe you’re still looking a bit at the outcome, and I get that, I was too. The day you wake up and don’t care how it turns out, will be liberating. Then you can figure out if you’re up for rebuilding the M some more or moving on solo. You will find your swagger again, and then you’ll know you’re awesome solo or in the team-up of your choosing!

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 5:15 PM, Wednesday, October 22nd]

I'm just tired. I said to my husband it felt like I woke up a happy, grounded person on DD then it was like some one turned off the gravity in my world and I've been free falling in space ever since and I'm just so bloody tired and just want to feel grounded, secure and at peace again and I'm so scared I never will regardless of whether I reconcile or divorce

Desiderata, by Max Ehrmann, 1927

"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

Oldwounds... This resonates so much with me:

'My kids got to grow up with our little family being together, and if I ended up worse for wear, but they turned into happy, well adjusted young adults, then I’m good with that'

I know my children's childhood was better with both of us in theirs lives and that helps make the pain more bearable.

I am definitely still focused in the outcome, I've always struggled with uncertainty and have always craved permanence but unfortunately life had other plans and I've had to learn that change - good and bad - is inevitable.

I think I need to do more work on my self, on who I am other than a wife and a mother and that is daunting. I read somewhere anxiety and excitement feel similar in the body so maybe I should try and channel some of that anxiety into excitement of self discovery 🤷

Unhinged...thank you for that poem. I had never heard it before and I googled it and listened to it on YouTube...it's beautiful and comforting. Thank you.