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The beginning of the week, I was told by my wife that she had a conference at a hotel conference room at the mall near our house. Neither of us thought anything of it, other than to plan a dinner date after the event with each other. Leading up to the conference, I did wonder if AP would be going to this conference cause he's still in the same line of work. I forced myself not to fixate on something neither of us can control, because I knew how that could cause issues for not only us, but myself. I ended up dropping her off at the event center.

Within a couple minutes of dropping her off, I received a text from my wife saying, " AP is here" and "Co-Worker told me as a heads up". I responded with "well that's unfortunate, has he noticed you". She responded with "No", and I jokingly stated that I was close by still and I could go shit on his car, if it made things better. After that we didn't text for a while till later when I had to pick her up. But during that time, I just went home and went to sleep, because I felt since I had nothing to do and keep my mind from this unfortunate situation, my mind would race and I would overreact.

After waking up from a very long overdue nap, I ended up going to the mall and killing about an hour at bookstore near the event center. I told her I was nearby when she was ready to be picked up. Eventually, time came for pick up and I got her and we were trying to decide what to have for dinner. During this time, she clearly noticed I was "off". I reassured her I wasn't (lied), because I had not been able to really process everything and didn't want to overreact. At some point, we decided on a restaurant and found a parking spot. Once we parked, my wife asked if we wanted to address the obvious elephant in the room (AP). I said we could, if she would like to. She helped me process what I was feeling by stating, " You want to talk about AP being there, but want to make it clear that we are okay and there's no issue between us." I agreed to that statement and then we talked.

She explained she interacted with him twice during the entire conference. She stayed by her co-workers and did not go anywhere he was. When he approached her general area, she would look elsewhere or avoid him. The two times he talked to her was to say hi or ask her how she was, and in both situations, she responded professionally as she would with anyone else. She made it clear that she had no clue he was going to be there and did not even consider that he would be there when she signed up for the conference. I did admit the night before, I did have a dream (nightmare?) about this exact situation, and we laughed about that.

Now this is where things got a little annoying for me. She mentioned that a bunch of her co-workers (Approximately 20 people) were planning on going to lunch tomorrow. She made a comment how if AP was invited by them, she would make every effort to avoid being seated near him or not go if the amount going dropped down to 5 or less, where she would be stuck near him. To me, I did not understand why she needed to be anywhere near him in a situation she doesn't have to be. Eventually we stopped talking and went inside the restaurant and we ordered food. At some point, I realized I was not okay with that comment about lunch. I told her I do not trust him, and I do not think it be appropriate to be in that situation. My wife stated she respected my opinion and would respect it.

The next day happens, and she did not go to the restaurant that people wanted to go to, because it happened to be the same place we had gone for dinner. She did not have any further interactions with him.

The thing is for me; I'm hung up on the comment of even going to lunch. Am I overreacting? Should I have deeper talk with her on why she thinks that would be okay even in a larger setting with 20 people. Mind you, some of her co-workers know what happened but also know he was terminated cause of sexual harassment of females at her office (including her). So, I'm confused why inviting him would even be a good idea by anyone.

I agree that she needs to avoid any and all "optional" events that would put her in the proximity of the AP. It’s unfortunate enough that she still works in the same field. Also, if her coworkers know about the A, they would not expect her to attend. Seems easy to get out of, and not need to rely on them choosing a restaurant she just went to. That feels weak to me.

Your reaction at just 16 months out actually seemed very measured to me. Are you really that cool about all this? If you have deeper/stronger feelings here, you NEED to tell her. R is only going to work if you can be open and honest and if she does all she can reasonably to help you heal and PROTECT YOUR M.

Do you all still talk about the A when YOU need to? Does she bring it up?

That would have bothered me too.

The lunch sounds like it was not work related and was not mandatory. Are these the same "friends" who encouraged her A in the first place? That makes it even worse. The fact that she told you about it is good, but she needs to understand how to set hard boundaries and not rationalize exceptions. Too bad she doesn't see her co workers for what they are. Toxic.

Talk to your wife. Don't sit on this.

BearlyBreathing,

I agree that she needs to avoid any and all "optional" events that would put her in the proximity of the AP. It’s unfortunate enough that she still works in the same field. Also, if her coworkers know about the A, they would not expect her to attend. Seems easy to get out of, and not need to rely on them choosing a restaurant she just went to. That feels weak to me.

Of the 20, I know of only 3 that were in attendance that know about the A. And one of the three was the one that gave her a heads up about AP's attendance. And that's what I was feeling too about the lunch, it seems convenient way out. But then again, I don't know if he ever was invited at all, I never asked beyond that. Probably should have.

Your reaction at just 16 months out actually seemed very measured to me. Are you really that cool about all this? If you have deeper/stronger feelings here, you NEED to tell her. R is only going to work if you can be open and honest and if she does all she can reasonably to help you heal and PROTECT YOUR M.

I think I'm not "cool" with it, but I'm also not disturbed by it. There's probably a better word for it. I do feel uncomfortable with her response to the lunch and you're right, I need to talk to her about it. I just wanted to verify if I was assessing this situation correctly, cause in the past I've let emotions control every reaction and I don't want to let irrational emotions to overrule rational ones.

Do you all still talk about the A when YOU need to? Does she bring it up?

Yes, we do. But I've not brought it up in sometime. It's mainly her that has brought it up in recent times and we talk through it. I think this is the first time in the past 6 months that I obviously need to bring it up and talk about it. Other times to me, it's not worth bringing up but then again, I feel like that has to change for little stuff too, right?

Trumansworld,

The lunch sounds like it was not work related and was not mandatory. Are these the same "friends" who encouraged her A in the first place? That makes it even worse. The fact that she told you about it is good, but she needs to understand how to set hard boundaries and not rationalize exceptions. Too bad she doesn't see her coworkers for what they are. Toxic.

Fortunately, no they are not the same "friends". There were 20 of her co-workers there and about 3 of which I know of know about the A and the situation with AP. The rest are unaware, or their only knowledge of AP is his termination which involved various women. One of the three gave the heads up to her about AP's attendance. Since reconciliation, she has done a pretty good job establishing major boundaries, that's why I was kind of surprised by the comment she made.

Talk to your wife. Don't sit on this.

I definitely will. I just need to make sure I word it correctly to ensure I express my feelings appropriately.

The fact that she considered going to lunch knowing the AP would possibly be there clearly points to the fact that she doesn’t get it.

Her immediate response should have been "I won’t attend the luncheon if there is any remote possibility the AP would attend".

Sorry you have to deal with this.

This is a tough one in some ways, but the main issue is easy: you're making a mistake in hiding your thoughts and feelings.

If your WS is turned off by your thoughts and feelings, what do you need her for? Especially if she notices something is 'off' for you, I urge you to be honest.

Your W did 2 good things here: 1) let you know as soon as she found out that om was at the conference; 2) talked about it.

She did 2 iffy things: 1) actually talked to him when he approached; 2) wanted to go to the lunch.

I urge you to discuss your issues with your W. Doing so tests her commitment to you. You have reason to expect she'll pass the test, but the testing will be good for both of you in one way or another.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. I know it triggers most of us, and it's not a trivial trigger. You're not crazy to be shaken up. And with all that, you have the strength and means to resolve this.

The1stWife,

The fact that she considered going to lunch knowing the AP would possibly be there clearly points to the fact that she doesn’t get it.

Her immediate response should have been "I won’t attend the luncheon if there is any remote possibility the AP would attend".

That's where my mind went when she considered it. I did talk to her last night and asked her why she even considered it. Her reasoning was because there would be 20+ people at it and there would be separation from him. Which I did explain why to me that would not be okay and what could come out of that. Which she did understand after I explained it.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

Thanks, it definitely isn't something I wish anyone would have to deal with.

[This message edited by Vikrant1993 at 8:40 PM, Sunday, December 7th]

sisoon,

This is a tough one in some ways, but the main issue is easy: you're making a mistake in hiding your thoughts and feelings.

If your WS is turned off by your thoughts and feelings, what do you need her for? Especially if she notices something is 'off' for you, I urge you to be honest.

That's very true.

Your W did 2 good things here: 1) let you know as soon as she found out that om was at the conference; 2) talked about it.

She did 2 iffy things: 1) actually talked to him when he approached; 2) wanted to go to the lunch.

I did end up talking to her about it. Her reasoning was that there would be 20+ people there and separation from him would be very high. Which I then explained to her how I did not like the fact there would be any chance of them being close, even by accident. Especially, when there was no requirement to attend this lunch. I did find out he was never invited and after our initial talk, she did not go at all, even without checking if he was invited or not. Which I thanked her for doing that.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. I know it triggers most of us, and it's not a trivial trigger. You're not crazy to be shaken up. And with all that, you have the strength and means to resolve this.

It's unfortunate, and not something I would want on anyone. But sometimes you got to push through it, right?

The AP is fishing. Your wife is either on the fence or not aware she's playing with fire. My wife would say it's no big deal but she was getting her ego kibbles from it. No contact means no contact. It won't work otherwise. She cannot go where the AP is. She leaves if he's there. She grey rocks him if they chance meet and immediately tells you. And exits the area. That's what is suppose to happen. The reality is your spouse doesn't want to offend the AP. They may take the ego kibbles away. She needs to put up boundaries, you need to enforce yours. The fact that you talked about what happened is a good step forward. Putting everything in the light bursts the fantasy bubble. She can't live in her mystical affair relationship when it's out in the open. I know for my wife it was quite some time for her to get through the withdrawal of the attention. It was even longer to make the lifestyle changes to make her a safe spouse. But there can be no contact. I remember her AP tried to contact my wife a couple of weeks after DDay. She gave me her phone and showed me the text message. He was fishing. We agreed i would send the reply. We also changed her phone number after. We worked as a team to thwart him. Always keeping the contact out in the open. It makes the illicit relationship die on the vine. No secrets = No Affair. He then knows you know. Common sense dictates he now gets leery of the interaction. Some are smart enough to get that. Some are not. I believe in being an active participant in change. You could also have simply went into the event and spoke to your wife. Your presence brings light to the situation. The sad reality of an affair is you end up policing your spouse for awhile. They need time to get thier shit together. Some do, a lot don't. It's the roll of the dice you took when you decided to reconcile.

I’m taking a slightly different stance here...
I am a loud advocate on total NC after d-day. There are a couple of reasons for that, including this being the best way to monitor if there is any contact, removes temptation, creates a boundary and (not least important) offers the BS some sense of protection.

But...
Since we often compare infidelity and addiction then I’m going to use some comparisons to what would be recommended if your wife had arrived home after rehab for alcoholism. If you had a board of "specialists" (like us friendly folk on SI...) you would have been told to have a dry house for at least six months. That is – for the next six months you don’t have any alcohol, wine, beer, whiskey or whatever in your home. It would even be strongly suggested that YOU don’t drink near her or even attend events where alcohol is served. It’s done for a couple of reasons: 1) to support her in sobriety, 2) to help you monitor if she’s drinking and 3) to create a safe environment for everyone to adjust to "new" behaviors.
These are also some of the reasons we advocate NC with an affair partner. It’s not as if forgetting a beer in the fridge would automatically make your wife drink it – or meeting OM would automatically make her jump into his lap. It’s more that having none causes less temptation, stress and all that than having some.

With time the alcoholic leans to be around a safe and acceptable level of alcohol. In infidelity – a WS learns to be around temptations while recognizing them as temptations and working hard at avoiding them. A "fully recovered" (only non-alcoholics use that term) could be a bartender and still remain sober – but most would value their sobriety too much to even risk that level of ever-present temptation.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s OK for your wife to be in the proximity of OM, but that does not mean she should seek him out. Interaction of the level you describe at the conference are not ideal, but should be OK if your wife has the correct mentality.

The lunch? Well... to me that would be the relatively new recovering alcoholic planning to go bar hopping with friends – as the designated driver and only having sodas. IMHO it’s too big a temptation and even with the best of intentions would leave you feeling stressed at home. I think she still needs to realize it’s early days.

A couple of questions since you really don’t share a lot of your story:

Was/is OM married? Did you tell his spouse?
I take it OM has changed workplaces. Correct?
You mention that the affair was encouraged by her work-colleagues. Still working with same workers?

Sorry if I'm being blunt but lunch with AP? F&ck no, simple as that. It's called boundaries. I don't care if there are 50 people in a buffet line. If they have to work together, fine but if it's a conscious choice to break bread with the guy who was sleeping with your wife and she even had to ask the question, that would be a hard no from me and extremely triggering. Right now I'm guessing you are dealing with triggers constantly. To have one as forward facing as this dropped at your feet, putting you on the spot is disrespectful. I know these things are easier said than done but if she can't understand the concerns with that before she'd ask, there needs to be a longer discussion about boundaries. Again, I mean no disrespect and this is coming from someone who is 4 years removed from DDay and I still have my head on a swivel looking out for my wife's AP when we're in public spaces. My IC tells me I should just walk out of whatever establishment we're in if this were to occur but I'm not even sure how that would go. I wish you nothing but the best but remember R is a gift that you are giving your WW and she needs to treat it that way. Someone on here equated R to a gift (don't recall where) and I loved that analogy. Remind her of that.

[This message edited by Bos491233 at 3:06 PM, Wednesday, December 10th]

Which I then explained to her how I did not like the fact there would be any chance of them being close, even by accident. Especially, when there was no requirement to attend this lunch.

I agree and would feel the same.

How do you feel about your wife's company and work environment overall? How does she feel about it? This man was fired from the company for sexual harassment. She has coworkers that encourage workplace affairs between married coworkers. That sounds, I don't know, like a crappy place to work or something. If coworkers are saying this guy might show up at the lunch, it means someone invited him. Who would do that? As a woman, I wouldn't go even if he never sexually harassed me personally. I'd probably suggest to other female coworkers I was close to that we go elsewhere. Really, I wouldn't want to socialize or work with him if he were fired for most reasons.

[edit] Just to clarify what I mean by most reasons, I would avoid working or socializing with him for being fired for many ethical or personal conduct violations like stealing from the company, lying about whatever, drugs or alcohol... [/edit]

[This message edited by KitchenDepth5551 at 3:45 PM, Wednesday, December 10th]