SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first time posting. I am F46 and have been married to my H55 for 24 years. We have 2 grown up children (one getting married very soon).

Last week I went on holiday to see our new holiday home. My husband went to get a shower and I don't know why but a voice in my head told me to check his phone. (I have not done this in over 20 years). He is using a different phone whilst abroad (I assumed borrowed from family). As I started to scroll up through the messages, I genuinely thought it was someone else (owner of the phone) chatting to a woman. I was convinced it was not him until I reached the top where he had sent a picture of himself.

In that moment I felt my heart drop and my world spin. I frantically screen recorded everything, my hands shaking from the shock. He came in the room and I confronted him. I started to cry, my body came out in a rash and he was trying to console and explain everything. He answered all my questions and said it was a huge mistake and sheer stupidity. The messages only lasted about two weeks, approx 6 months ago. There have been no follow up calls and I can see that they never met.

My issue is we have clear boundaries in this regard. He was very persistent and asking her to meet which hurts deeply. The fact it is where our new holiday home is also fills me with fear for the future.

Unfortunately this is not the first time this has happened. I found similar messages at the start of our marriage although they were very innocent ‘hows your day, what you doing’ type messages. At that time I forgave him. He was honest and told me it was an ego boost. It felt easy to forgive him as the messages weren't flirty or sexual. We are all human, we all make mistakes and maybe something was lacking in our marriage or in his confidence at that time.

Up until now I have felt so secure in our marriage. We have been the best we ever have and seemed happy and in love on both sides. I never questioned his loyalty to me and he has never given me reason to be suspicious. It has come completely out of nowhere and I am struggling to understand why he has done it.

He swears on everything, his faith, his beloved late mother and his life that he has never met another woman or ever cheated on me and has no desire to be with anyone else. (Somehow, I do believe this)

He sent me voice notes of him sobbing uncontrollably about how he had risked everything he held dear for a lapse of sanity. He has messaged me constantly asking and begging for forgiveness and that he will do anything for the sake of our marriage.

I flew back alone (his ticket was already extended to complete the build). I was so hurt at the airport that I could not hug him or even look back (This broke him completely.) I love him with all of my being and to hear him so upset is killing me but I am staying firm and told him that I am unsure how I feel about our future.

In all honesty, I just want to pretend it never happened as everything was so good until that moment (or so I thought). Do I give up on 24years of marriage for a two week blip? Will I live with constant paranoia now? I feel like I’m slowly going insane, I cannot sleep, I’ve lost so much weight. I look ill and he is genuinely worried for my health (he watches me on the ring doorbell) and has said he will pay for counselling for me. No doubt this has affected my confidence, self esteem and mental health.

We agreed that we will not discuss this with anyone else currently as we do not want this to overshadow or ruin our son’s wedding. But that is making things so much harder as I am having to carry on as normal with everyone.

I do want to say that I know he is a very good man, he is kind and treats me and our children well. He is an extremely hard worker and always strives to do his best for us. I know he is genuinely sorry and remorseful for what he has done however I do believe that the first time is a mistake and the second is a choice!

Would you give him one final chance? Would you lay down any conditions?

It might be the pain talking but I cannot see my life without him (I know nothing else) and could not start again.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I pray that everyone gets to a place where they feel peace with whatever decisions they take and to those who offer support and a kind word - you are angels x

I'm so sorry. I hear and understand your love for your husband. I felt and feel the same for my wife. I want you to hear me say that no matter what anyone tells you, reconciliation is possible, and don't let anyone who only knows you from a message board post tell you to divorce and forget him. I also want you to hear me say that you probably don't have the truth yet. You may get it eventually, but you are at the beginning of this. Don't pledge to never leave, don't give in to hysterical bonding, even as he dotes on you and woos you back. He may be completely genuine in his efforts. I hope so. Even if he proves to be, take this SLOW. I did not. As others will tell you, I'm sure, IC for him and you should be set up now. Wait on MC. I'll let others point you to the right threads for first steps.

I am sorry to say in all liklihood there is more.

I have been trough this exact scenario more than once. Don't rush to believe his words. It buy into his crying fits. Hes sorry he got caught. Is he remorseful? Only time will tell.

Do not sweep this under the rug, as tempting as that is ... it seems less painful but in reality it isn't.

Unless your spouse is a unicorn, this is not the only time. It's just what you have caught.Even if there is no more (I was convinced my spouse was a unicorn and boy was I wrong) the fact that he did it once (well actually twice) already means there is an issue that needs to deal with.

Once is enough for betrayal.

Don't make any rash decisions right now but dont sweep it under the rug! .

Sending some hugs and support. It sucks to belong to rhis club :(

[This message edited by lizziej at 11:35 PM, Tuesday, December 9th]

Welcome to SI and sorry you're in our club. First, did you read some of the posts pinned to the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum? Please take a moment to look through those, especially the Tactical Primer. There are some other posts that aren't pinned that are really good. You may need to scroll a few pages to find them, but you can find by their bull's eye icons. There's one that discusses boundaries and consequences. At the top of this forum is an article regarding regret and remorse. It's doubtful that he's found remorse yet, he's probably sorry he got caught.

A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. An A (affair) is tons of decisions to lie, cheat and betray.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. Bonus points if they have infidelity as a specialty. If you any of the APs (affair partners) were in close proximity, there's a high probability they did have sex. If so, you will both need tested for STDs/SSTIs because there are some nasty diseases out there. If you have trouble with depression or sleeping, maybe discuss medication with your doctor.

Your WH (wayward husband) also needs IC to work on his issues. He should also read How to Help Your Spouse Heal by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Watch what he does and don't listen to his words because you've already found out that he lies.

If you're having trouble eating, try protein shakes. Stay hydrated. Exercise can help you process the pain from your body.

Your old M (marriage) is dead, but you can R (reconcile) if you're both in 100%. It's a lot of hard work.

You may wish to search "sunk cost fallacy" which is basically saying that we have so much time invested that we should keep going. FWIW, I file for D (divorce) the week before our 34th anniversary. My XWH (wayward ex-husband) wasn't doing the work to become safe.

We do have other members where both partner worked hard and have been able to successfully reconcile. It's really tough to judge.

The first time was also a choice. He didn't accidentally message another woman. He made the decision to do that.

I'm concerned by the fact that he was trying to meet up with this new woman. That they supposedly never met up doesn't matter. I wouldn't believe him about that. Either way, he wanted to. He essentially told that he would've met with her if she had agreed. What do you suppose would've happened if they had met? What was his intention?

R is possible if he is completely honest and transparent and can show you empathy, and if you can forgive him. You don't have to make a decision now. You can also always change your mind.

In my case, I stayed because of circumstances. If my circumstances had been different, I would've D'ed. 11 years later we are basically reconciled, but I am not happy. I can't forgive what my H did. I knew that from the beginning. His betrayal killed any love and respect that I had for him. But, that's me. Others on here will tell you that they are happily R'ed.

I did not realise how helpful I would find this forum. Thank you to everyone who has taken time out of their busy lives to give me (a stranger) support and empathy. Deep down I know how I feel and the decision I should make but it scares me immensely. I read straight away not to make hasty decisions. I think that is one of the most sound pieces of advice when dealing with something like this due to the emotional rollercoaster it brings with it.