SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Like the title says, I'm kind of confused how to feel about this situation and comment stated by my wife. And I doubt it will be one of the last times I'll feel like it or be put in a situation like this.

Long story short, about a week ago, my mom was rushed to the hospital, and she was admitted to the ICU that same night. During that time, my dad made comments about once she was situated, he would go home and rest and come back the next morning. For context, my parents were born in the 1940's and their relationship dynamic is entirely different than my generation. And also, I can say for a fact, they don't like each other.

Anyway, when I had found out she was rushed to the hospital. I was having conflicting feelings about going, because I was on very low to no contact with her, because of very toxic and abusive things she's done or said to me for decades. Some of those things definitely were said towards my wife and I know it did affect our relationship in some way or another. Anyway, my wife helped me process those feelings and helped me make the decision.

My wife offered to go with me, even though she doesn't like my mother for the things she's done and said towards me and her. We got there and waited till my mother was being moved from the ER to an ICU room. And during that time my dad did make comments about going home once she was situated. This is where I became confused by what my wife said to me after we left regarding that comment.

She stated that she could not understand how my dad was quick to wanting to go home. She made the comment that if I was admitted to the hospital, while she does not like being in the hospital, she would remain by my side and sleep there every night. I just blankly looked at her and said, "oh really?" and she said yes.

I didn't say anything, but the thoughts definitely came into my mind. Like how you are going to basically say you won't leave from my side, yet only two years ago, you did just. In a manner that destroy so much more than one could ever imagine. I wasn't made or happy with the comment or the hypocrisy of it, but just plain confused on the logic. And I doubt it will be the only time. I would like to say, we are definitely doing better now with better communication and other things, but to me it's still odd.

If you don’t believe people can change, then go and divorce your wife.
Her actions and words NOW might display who she is NOW. If there had been no personal growth in her since the end of the affair, then her comments now would be two-faced. But if there has been growth…

Having said that: With age there might be more practicality. I have had close family members in ICU. Including a multi-month period with my youngest on NICU. One of the first things we have done is a schedule for being there (of course, once stabilized) because we realize that having exhausted family members doesn’t help with any healing.

I can promise you one thing: By being there – and if this is the end for your mom – you will never feel regret. You might feel like time wasted, or some unclear emotions about closure. But NOT going… that can leave you with regret.

I think I get it. When we were 4+ years out, I received a call saying that my mom was possibly on her last legs, after falling and spending 18 hours in agony on the floor. W & I packed and drove 1000 miles. W was very, very helpful while my mom was in hospital and afterwards, while my mom was giving up her independent life and moving to assisted living.

I remember having 2 sets of thought patterns. On one hand, I thought. Ho helpful W is! I was right to R.' OTOH, I thought what you're thinking - 'But she cheated!'

About all you can do, IMO, is stay with your thoughts and feelings. If they solidify on the 'But she cheated!' side, R may be wrong for you. If they're what I think is normal 2 year out uncertainty, your doubts will calm down.

Bigger,

If you don’t believe people can change, then go and divorce your wife.
Her actions and words NOW might display who she is NOW. If there had been no personal growth in her since the end of the affair, then her comments now would be two-faced. But if there has been growth…

I agree with what you have stated. I do believe people can change and the way you phrased it is a good way to look at it. Her actions and words NOW display who she is now. Considering she has grown since the affair. I think it just took me off guard me off to be honest, but I do agree with what you stated. It's not something I expected to hear at the time.

sisoon,

I remember having 2 sets of thought patterns. On one hand, I thought. Ho helpful W is! I was right to R.' OTOH, I thought what you're thinking - 'But she cheated!'

About all you can do, IMO, is stay with your thoughts and feelings. If they solidify on the 'But she cheated!' side, R may be wrong for you. If they're what I think is normal 2 year out uncertainty, your doubts will calm down

.

I think it's exactly how you're stating it. I think it's more so a nonsensical response with no real weight. I think its needing to calm down, because she's done pretty much anything and everything to help repair the relationship between the two of us. I just did not know if there was more considering I had that thought. But I'm glad you mentioned you also experienced it. I was just more confused if anything on it all.

What if this is a gender difference thing going on?

When my WH was admitted to ICU years ago after I drove him to the emetgency room, I had nobody back home to worry about, so I just hung in there in the ER until they decided he needed to stay in ICU overnight for more intensive observation (small country hospital). Nurse told me at midnight I ought to go home. I think most people would have.

It's probably a personal decision. For me, I don't drive at night that well anway and figured I wouldn't sleep soundly with the uncerainty. But other people might know they can not "fix" the patient, no matter what they do.

Sorry it turned out to be a trigger for you. Talk to her about this.

One suggestion:
Share your emotions with your wife.
Let her know where your mind went there for a moment.
I think it’s healthy to have regular reminders of the damage infidelity causes, and how it scars. Not to live in the pain, but to remind about the pain, and the necessity for constant work at reconciling.

Vikrant - I've experienced similar, and think it all stems from the fact that our waywards just have no idea how their affairs are forever stuck in our minds. What they see as normal, in the moment, comments can trigger crazy reactions.

My recent example -- our son has lived out of state since graduation, but was home for the holidays. He and his buddies always get together and go out on the town like 20-somethings will do. He tells us how they were out til 4am, closed this bar and then that one, and then late-night food before crashing at someone's apartment...etc. Later my wife and I were alone, and she said something like, "I can't believe they do all that. Can you remember the last time you were out til 3 or 4 in the morning?"

I just wanted to say, "No, but I sure remember when you were!" It's so easy for them to put what they did in the past and not relate it to the present, but we are left still living with it in the present and relating to it every day. You could argue it's a lack of empathy, or it could be putting all the bad in the past and being better, but either way it becomes a part of us that we're always reminded of, whether they realize it or not.

This is something I would expect my wife to say. I'm assuming she's changed from the way she was then? I'm with Bigger in focusing on the fact that this is how she is now. She's almost certainly being sincere. It's her expressing her loyalty to you now.

I know it's hard trying to separate who they are now compared to what you know they were capable of then. I know because I'm still struggling with it, too. I have very few complaints about how my wife is handling herself in the wake of her infidelity, but her difficulty in understanding my difficulty accepting that she's changed and likely would never do something like that again does bother me sometimes. I hear "just focus on where we are now" pretty often, which does lead to some distress for me because it feels dismissive, but I know she means well.

I'm not shy about sharing my feelings about it, tho, and she's at least receptive, willing to have the conversation, and is doing her best to understand. For me it was only a year ago, so we're in quite an earlier stage in our attempt at recovery right now.

This shit ain't easy. Infidelity sucks. I know my wife was clueless as to how damaging her actions and words were going to be while she was in the middle of her affair. She's getting it now, tho. I could totally see her saying something just like what your wife said in a similar situation.

Just yesterday we were talking about some of the rough patches in our marriage. My drinking, for instance (sober over ten years now, for the record). She said, "and I stuck by you through it all," to which I said "Yes, you did. You stuck by me through a lot. Right up until you didn't..." There was an awkward pause followed by "I'm so sorry."

At the end of the day, I know she's more willing than ever to stick by me through pretty much anything now. I know she'd stay nights in the hospital with me if something were to happen. I know she would. I try to think about that, the now, instead of then. Easier said than done sometimes, I know, but I do sometimes manage to get out of the spiral.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:45 PM, Wednesday, April 1st]