SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For those that found their spouse was a poor candidate for R, how long did it take for you to accept this? What made you realize this?

If you decided to end things because of this, how did it feel, how did things turn out, how do you feel now?

I'm my situation, my spouse is saying the right things, however they are typically reactionary and not initiated by her. Her actual actions are showing me she is not a good candidate for R.

My xWS was a poor candidate for R from go. It was me that had a hard time accepting it. I had a major fear of breaking up the family and D. It took me a few years to accept it. When False R hit I knew without a doubt I didn't want to be married to him anymore but had just lost my job and didn't have the means to leave just yet. Took another 5 years of limbo, got myself really strong in therapy and independent with a job when I finally pulled the plug.

For me it felt great to end things. I was stuck in a bad marriage with an NPD serial cheater who abused me sexually and emotionally. Today I feel like I have a second chance at life. I have peace of mind and for the most part I am very happy. Was one of the best decisions I have made for myself in life.

If the actions don't line up with the words, the words will become hollow and you will probably build resentment which typically can lead you to falling out of love.

For those that found their spouse was a poor candidate for R, how long did it take for you to accept this? What made you realize this?

I was a very slow learner. I needed to wake up and see who he was based on his actions MUCH MUCH sooner….

I did not throw in the towel on the marriage or him until he abandoned me and even then I kept the door open for R for a year after that.

I do not personally recommend my approach.
Instead, I recommend betrayeds taking exquisite care of themselves physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially.

I am truly sorry you find yourself here and I wish you much peace and healing.

My story is similarly to Crazy’s. My XH was a poor candidate for R after DD1, but I had a hard time seeing that or accepting that. We muddled through for years and eventually got to a place where I’d say we had a solid and happy relationship again. But because the underlying issues were never addressed, and XH never figured out healthy coping mechanisms for the stresses of ordinary life, I found myself many years later at DD2.

Once DD2 happened, I knew I was done immediately. Asked him to leave the house the instant he was unable to answer the question "are you having an inappropriate relationship with _____?" I filed for divorce the next week, and never looked back. It helped that XH was totally unremorseful, took no responsibility for his actions, and was extremely angry and belligerent. There was zero possibility of R because of those factors.

I will never forget how it felt in the house for the rest of the day, after I told him to leave. The kids and I were in shock because it all happened so unexpectedly and suddenly, but there was an incredible lightness in the house, as if a weight none of us knew we were carrying had been lifted.

I wish you more wisdom than I had. If your spouse is in fact not going to be able to R, I hope that you don’t have to go through years of false R and more DDs before you come to that conclusion. And you and your spouse are still early in this process, so you may be willing to invest more time to see if she comes around to more genuine actions that make her a safe spouse. Whatever path you chose, wishing you peace!

It was a mixed process for me. For the first 10 months or so, I was driving R more than STBX was, and he made a lot of the usual bad choices in R that a WS does (false R, trickle truth, lies). It was when I was ready to give up that he turned a new leaf, and for a few months, it seemed like there would be real change, then it all fizzled out. He didn't cheat again, but he became more self-centered and lost his focus on R.

I stayed in the marriage a while longer, watching how he behaved, but I knew partway into year 2 that it wasn't likely to work out. It became increasingly clear as time went on that he couldn't change in the ways that I needed - he was unable to let go of things he wanted, even if those things bothered me or hurt me. That was the ultimate deciding factor.

How has it turned out? Well, the vast majority of his behavior since we decided to divorce has reinforced that I made the right decision. Even the little glimmers of change seem to have regressed back to the impulsive and self-centered ways of the past.

We're still going through the divorce process (the hardest part is done, but a lot of stuff needs to be split up still), so I feel a mixture of relief and sadness. Relief that his problems will no longer be mine, and sad that he couldn't pull it together to save our marriage. My heart may hurt, but I know that I'm making the right decision for my health and my future.

If you're sure that your WS's actions are showing you that she's not a good candidate for R, what is keeping you in the marriage?

Mainly our son is keeping us together. Not wanting to split up the family. Hope that she will finally get it. And second guessing my own assessment of what's going on.

Mainly our son is keeping us together. Not wanting to split up the family. Hope that she will finally get it. And second guessing my own assessment of what's going on.

Totally understand these feelings, Panda. I did the same thing for the first two years. The only reason we separated was because I had an opportunity to do it in a partial way that protected our kid (I moved out to be closer to her school on weekdays).

The hope that "WS will finally get it" is very hard to let go, but at some point you'll have to accept what is rather than what could be. And sometimes, as in the case of my WS, even after he "got it", his understanding didn't last. After a few months of real change, he started sliding back into old habits. This repeated a couple of times, usually after I got really upset and stated a desire to separate/divorce.

Living for a future that never arrives is very frustrating, and ultimately, it's your life that's slipping away while you wait. Yes, divorce can be very hard on children and the wider family and social circles, but as they say, nothing will change until you change something. If you're frustrated by her actions (or lack of action), and you've done what you can, then it's okay to walk away. Millions of people get divorced every day, and it's not the end of their lives. Often, a year or two later, they feel much better. Kids might struggle and suffer for a year or two, but they will also learn to adjust and move on.

Imagine if your wife died next week. It would devastate your son, but you would help him get through the grief and learn to thrive again. The same holds here - you don't need to blame yourself if you need to divorce. That's on your wife because of her infidelity, which was her choice. You choosing to divorce her is a direct consequence of her actions, and certainly not one made hastily or for frivolous reasons. How old is your son? My daughter was 15 when we told her we were getting divorced, and 16 when I told her about her dad's cheating. She understood right away and didn't blame me for leaving him (in fact, she said I should have left right away). Your son's reaction might surprise you.

Our son is almost 3.