SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m 28F and have been with my partner (28M) for 9 years. We own a house together and have two cats, and until last year I genuinely thought we would get married and have children together (he has a ring and was going to propose). I’m feeling very lost and would really appreciate outside perspectives from people who have gone through betrayal, reconciliation and walking away after betrayal.

For context, I already had a history of childhood trauma/abandonment issues and was in psychotherapy last year. Then in November everything kind of exploded.

Last November randomly- my partner sat me down and disclosed that he was unfaithful with a stripper while abroad with his cousins back in July (he received a lap dance). Since then, he revealed more details such as getting oral sex. He trickled-truthed a lot of important details/ only admitted more when I prodded and investigated which was torture for me and this lasted for a few days. I experienced betrayal trauma, I couldn’t eat, I slept a lot, couldn’t look after myself and wanted to die. I also always felt like there was more that I didn’t know.

After, we started to slowly rebuild only because he did disclose to me voluntarily and honestly believed the betrayal was out of character and that there was still good in him. We’ve had couples and individual therapy. We discovered the root of the problem- his lust, lack of self control, respect towards me, novelty seeking and impulsivity that lead to the betrayal. We also understood other important contexts (not excuses btw!!!). First- his porn habit really contributed to his objectification of women (despite us knowing we each watched porn it was messing up our sex life long before the betrayal). Second we also understood that alcohol was a problem for him- despite him not drinking frequently- when he did it was binging (his dad was an alcoholic and sadly passed in 2018). Third his people pleasing and the simple fact that all his male cousins and uncles were really bad influences. Yes he’s his own man- but if you are surrounded by men who cheat on their wives and cousins who consistently seek strip clubs that would be a factor too. We had some non-negotiables were created- three I want to mention were- no alcohol at all, no porn, and most importantly brutal honesty about any porn relapses/ general transparency in our relationship.

We were doing really well for six months, and even went abroad for a holiday to Albania.
However, over the last few weeks (it is mid May rn) more things have come out. It truly feels like a second rock bottom. Last Sunday, I went on his YouTube history which showed him watching sexual livestreams online and intentionally seeking them out for arousal.
This started a series of confessions:

* During the original betrayal last July, I repeatedly asked if he had ever intentionally planned to cheat. He said repeatedly no- they never spoke about a strip club planning the holiday and that a promoter had approached them to go to a strip club. He revealed that they did indeed look for a strip club the day before betrayal during the day while sober, although they ultimately didn’t go in because of the €80 entrance fee. His therapist knew since Jan but he implied not to tell me (terrible advice because my partner was having panic attacks about keeping it in!!!)
* He admitted to physically crossing boundaries with a co-worker back in 2022 while drunk (touching her bum inappropriately on her way to her taxi), which validated instincts I had years ago that he always denied and minimised. He trickle truthed this for three days leading me to call her and another person person to get the full truth- to which they told me he was extremely drunk and was coming on to her- where she then left and that’s when he touched her bum.
* He masturbated and relapsed twice since November. He had removed Facebook and Instagram but was lying to himself and using loopholes- e.g. just because he wasn’t intentionally going on porn sites- he still found sexualised content/ short clips of porn. He didn’t tell his therapist of the relapses.

The hardest part has not just been the behaviour itself, but the dishonesty and trickle truthing afterwards. What has damaged me the most is the repeated pattern of:
1. Me asking for the full truth
2. Him promising honesty
3. More information still coming out later.
I think the trickle truthing has honestly traumatised me more than some of the actual acts themselves. At the same time, this is where I’m conflicted:

* He has always taken accountability and was remorseful. He even apologised to my parents after the first betrayal and was honest with them.
* He has been consistently working on himself doing individual therapy, couples therapy, reading betrayal books, and listening to infidelity podcasts together
* He started his first SAA meeting since rock bottom 2.0 this week
* He is willing to do a lie detector test because I said I need full disclosure if reconciliation is even going to be possible/ if we break up at least I know everything. We have booked this for next week.

All 3 therapists involved (my individual therapist, another therapist, and our couples therapist) believe I am not emotionally ready to leave right now, even though part of my brain keeps trying to force myself to detach and prepare for separation. This week has honestly felt like emotional whiplash: mornings/nights I miss him terribly, cry, crave his touch and feel devastated- afternoons/evenings I feel stronger and think maybe I should leave.

We’ve started sleeping separately for 4 days, but since yesterday we’ve slept together. A huge part of me feels weak for even considering staying after all this. Another part of me feels like I’m trying to force myself to leave before I’m emotionally ready because I’m scared of future pain. I’m worried we have a trauma bond- my brain says to leave but my body and heart won’t let me.

I think what I’m trying to figure out is:
* Your general opinions on this.
* Has anyone successfully rebuilt after this level of dishonesty/trickle truth?
* How do you know whether you’re staying because of love vs fear/attachment?
* Is it possible for respect and emotional safety to come back?
* Am I making a mistake by not ending things now?

I’m exhausted and honestly feel like my nervous system has been destroyed these last few days. I’d really appreciate honest but compassionate perspectives from people who’ve been through something similar.

Hi, NumbDumb, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here. You are not Dumb! You put your faith in someone you thought you could trust.

Just my two cents, your boyfriend is a serial cheater, he lacks self control, lusts after women, lied, drinks too much, had a lap dance with a stripper, and crossed boundaries with a co-worker. IMO you do not have the entire truth, would he be willing to take a lie detector test?

I hate to be negative, but I think if you continue in this relationship, you are going to have a life of misery with a serial cheater.

I am curious why he decided to tell you the truth about the stripper? Have both of you been checked for STDs?

If a friend of yours experienced this repeated betrayal, what would be your advice, stay and take years to move through this nightmare hoping for the best or leave and move on with a faithful partner?

Just some food for thought, too many red flags, IMO he is not a safe partner.

Only you can decide what's best but understand if you stay you will continue to have anxiety and you will be vigilant for years to come which could negatively affect not only your emotional health but your physical health as well.

I am so sorry he isn't the man you thought he was. When people show you who they are repeatedly, please believe them.

Sending a virtual hug.......

I am so sorry you are here but glad you found this site.
He sounds like an addict. It doesn’t matter what he is addicted to, what matters is if he can change. In our extended family is an alcoholic. He told members of the family for years he needed our help. AlAnon showed us that is not possible. It is up to the addict. He told you because he hates what he does but can’t stop. He needs very intense therapy one on one, then group therapy, because they support the addict but also use tough love. Our addict had to hit rock bottom to start on recovery. I don’t know what rock bottom is for sex addiction.
That is an explanation but you are living with daily stress of knowing he is still active. It is when you look at what your life is, and will be, that you can start making decisions for yourself. This is your one life.
In the meantime the stress is doing a number on your immune system and every organ in your body is getting hit with strong hormones. They are designed to get you away from a lion not to deal with cheating and lying. Please see a dr for temp meds for anxiety. You need to calm down and this stress will not let. Eat healthy. Stay away from alcohol and other drugs.

I wonder if you're misinterpreting what your IC is saying. All and IC can do is is hear what you say and feed it back to you. They say you're not ready to leave because they hear you saying you're not ready to leave. That's OK.

IMO, your best option is to focus on your healing. Once you start that, you're likely to know what you want and what is possible, and the stay/go decision will develop organically.

Also IMO, your healing task is to start to process your feelings - grief, anger, fear, shame, love, etc. - out of your body. My reco is to work on your feelings with your IC. You understand the logic, but that's the smaller part of healing. Resolving your feelings and figuring out what you want are what really count for healing.

And think about what you want, even if you think it's not attainable. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with your WSo? Maybe yes, maybe no. You bear no shame either way. But accept that it's not an easy choice.

*****

You use 'understand' several times. I understand. I interrogated my W for weeks, maybe months, with the idea that I could heal if I understood why she cheated.

Wrong. There's no way I can understand her decisions. BUT her honest answers started to rebuild our healthy bonds, (a very small) bit by (a very small) bit.

My reco is to test your H with your questions. Honest answers are positive for R; dishonest answers - TT, for example - are negative for R.

*****

Your H chose his path. There's nothing you did or didn't do that made him choose his way.

*****

Here's something I wrote some time ago that is relevant. I apologize for its length. You're under no obligation to read it.

I recommend thinking of R as 3 healings:

1) You heal you. Most BSes are inundated with immense amounts of grief, anger, fear, and/or shame on d-day. The largest part of your work is to process those feelings out of your body. A good IC can help you do this.

2) Your WS heals themself. They need to change from cheater to good partner. I think that requires IC for the WS, but others disagree.

3) Together you build a new M.
This means you can recover from being betrayed without your WS; that is, you can survive this crisis and thrive without your WS, but you need your WS to R(econcile). You can heal yourself because you control yourself. You don't control your WS. I recommend making survive and thrive your primary goal and R your stretch goal.

Have you read the Healing Library here? If not, there's a lot of good stuff there. Click the link in the yellow box in the upper left of the SI pages.

I think there are a number of key ingredients to the decision to R.

First, what do you want? Do you really want R? If not, don't lie to yourself. R is hard work, and wanting it makes it less difficult, but both D and R are moral responses to being betrayed.

If you want R, I recommend figuring out your requirements for R and seeing if your WS will sign on. If they won't, perhaps they can come up with something else that will meet your requirements, but if you can't negotiate something truly acceptable to both of you, great - you can go directly to D. Otherwise, you can monitor them for 3-6 months and commit to
R for yourself if they are (is?) consistent in meeting your requirements.

The requirements need to be observable and measurable. That way it's easy to monitor progress and make adjustments as you go along.

Common requirements include:

NC - no contact with ap; if ap initiates contact, report to BS and together decide how to respond

Transparency - BS has passwords to e-mail, voice-mail, phones, etc.; WS keeps BS informed of whereabouts, activities, and companions at virtually all times

Honesty - WS answers BS's questions when they're asked, although sometimes a break is necessary, sometimes an answer is best deferred to MC session, etc., no more lies.

IC for WS - to change the thoughts and feelings that supported the A, with signed release that enables C to talk with BS about WS's goals and progress (so the BS can make sure WS's IC isn't being lied to).

IC for BS - for support - and for resolving any internal issue that comes up

MC - to help communications between the partners, if one or both partners want MC

Some (Most?) people have individual requirements - my W had to arrange dates for us on a weekly basis and must initiate sex sometimes. What do you want from your W?

And R is a joint endeavor - if one of you hides objections to the other's requirements, you sabotage R. And you have to see your WS as a human being of worth equal to your own to make R work. You don't have to see your WS as a human being equal to you to recover, but you sure can't R, except with an equal.

R is very rewarding when both partners want it and do the work. It seems to be hell on earth, though, unless both do that work. Being betrayed is bad enough - spare yourself the pain unless you want the reward and have a partner who will join you in the process.