SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You don’t need to have a lengthy conversation with your STBXW.

Mine was 2 minutes and I left the room. Done!

I told my H this: I am D you. I’m sorry it has come to this but I have nothing left to give to you or this marriage. You are free to be with the OW or anyone else you choose.

I gave him no chance to speak. I let him know I was done with being married to a cheater. I had my exit strategy or plan B in place as I had children to protect.

I did the hard 180 (read up on it). He had no say or control over me or my life from that moment. And he knew it.

Game changer.

Suggestion: once she is served she will go ballistic. As she’s losing her mind, tell her to end the affair. Now!

If she denies the affair you have nothing to work with.

If she refuses to call her "friend" in front of you right there - you have your answer.

If she tries to call you crazy and suspicious — and re-direct the conversation - you know she’s just going to continue to cheat.

And then you stop trying to reconcile. You stop trying to talk to her calmly and rationally. You have your answer.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:36 AM, Sunday, January 23rd]

Get frosty and do this ^ OP.

If she stayed in contact with the OM, then there was no attempt to R.
Her behavior (staying in contact) although unacceptable isn't that surprising.
She's pretty much acting and talking like a typical cheater (living in a fantasy romance).

I apologize if you already answered this.

Do you know the ID of the OM?
How did they meet?

Nothing kills an affair like exposure.
If he's married, expose to his wife.
Do not accept your wife's word that the OM is single.

Some thoughts:
- The diamond ring could be glass.
- The OM could be married and just playing her.
- The OM may think she's single or separated.

Hi, Yoga, welcome to SI.

The best advice I have for you is to file for divorce.

Your wife has been cheating for probably half of your short marriage.

She is not remorseful.

She has no intention to stop the affair.

She continues to lie and gaslight you.

She is denying the affair.

She told you she's not in love with you anymore.

Right now you are her security blanket, her soft place to land.

You are still young and will find happiness again with a faithful partner. Get yourself out of infidelity. It hurts but this limbo is worse IMO.

You must divorce her now, regardless if you may want to consider reconciliation.

She doesn’t work snd you’re the sole provider. If you divorce now alimony will most likely be minimal due to only being married for a year.

If you don’t divorce her snd R, besides the fact that odds are strongly in favor of her cheating again, you will most likely divorce down the road regardless, and you will pay through the nose.

There’s absolutely no reason a young woman with no children should not be working. Serve her and move forward swiftly with the divorce.

You can always tell her you’ll consider R after the divorce, if of course she’s even interested, under the following conditions:

She goes no contact with AP
She comes completely clean with the truth
She writes a timeline
She takes a poly to verify the timeline
She immediately goes into individual counseling
She gets a job immediately

Glad you are divorcing.

I agree with guvensiz on the efficacy of any type of letter to a WS. Just like the fantasy that the oft cited Joeseph' s Letter would ever be effective.

I know it is moot, now, but I often cringe when I see the recommendation for the suggested letter to a cheating spouse. I think it ignores the fact that a cheating spouse could give a shit about you or the marriage and professing love etc just makes a BS look pathetic.

We understand the hurt, the fear, and feelings of self blame. Right now you are the only person in the marriage. You can’t make or force your wife to stay or change, she has to want to. She is not demonstrating this at all.

I think you should be more afraid of staying married to a cheater right now than being alone. You are young, there are many people in the world. She is not the person you once thought.

Move on with your life. Proceed with the divorce, and consider this a lucky escape.

She is not reconciliation material right now. Who knows about the future, you can decide. I think you are better off thinking of this as an experience.

This post is about and for you:

No matter what your background is, I think you describe thoughts and feelings that every BS deals with.

You are stronger than you realize.

You can get through the fear, grief, anger, and shame that comes with being betrayed. A good IC can help you use this experience (being betrayed) as a catapult from low self-esteem to high self-esteem. That's the more accurate way to see yourself - loving, lovable, capable. It's not easy, but you can make that change.

One sign of you being loving, lovable, and capable is the way you've responded to your W's A. The A is traumatic. It's excruciatingly painful. It's a shock. No one goes through this without great disorientation.

It's healthy to want to R, and it's healthy to want to rid yourself or your betrayer. Have faith in yourself to get your heart, head, and gut into alignment on one decision or another. You're moving to that already.

If you like Bigger's speech, use it. He wrote it so anyone can use it. The1stWife has a similar approach, perhaps more succinct.

I'm all for R when both partners will do the necessary work. Your W is still in her A, and I think she's a lousy candidate for R. That may change when she gets served, and that may be a cause for reconsidering your actions - but let's not waste energy on that until it happens.

You're doing great. You don't realize it because of all the pain that's been dumped on you by your W and throughout your background - but even with all that, you're doing great.

*****

No matter what your W says, she chose to cheat because of her own issues, not because of issues with you or your M. She may have focused her own shit on her image of you, but her dissatisfaction is with herself, and that's her problem to solve. She's the only one who can solve it, just as you're the only one who can choose to love yourself and dump the incorrect low self-image.

Please, do not blame yourself for your W's failings.

*****

To quote, bold, or italicize:

Highlight the text you want to affect.
Click the quotation marks, B, or I at the top or bottom of the text box.

...and if you do it wrong, so be it.

At this point a letter for what? Your STBXWW KNOWS she's cheating, just have her served with no drama. No kids, doesn't work, M for only a year and she's already cheating and won't stop/admit her A, please dump this unrepentant/unremorseful cheater and don't look back and do NOT offer R, not worth the risk for such a short M after such a huge betrayal, move on, life's too short and you deserve much better.

I read a blog written by a woman married over 20 years and found that her husband began cheating right after the marriage and kept it up the whole time. That means he had been lying to her forever. You will see that many people on this site, who had been cheated on early in the marriage, were cheated on again. It’s a lifestyle to these people. That’s their entertainment.

You deserve better than this.

PAPERS HAVE BEEN SERVED. But why do I feel so bad and guilty about it? I wish I loved myself enough to not feel guilty about serving divorce papers to a cheater.

I was there when the process server came, which probably didn't help. Before that, we talked a lot of her going overseas and she wanted to find peace and if she loved me, and others. And I didn't say the word divorce but I brought up many things. Like if she really loved me she would know where I was, and if she didn't she didn't have to contact me anymore.

I feel so guilty bc I saw the look on her face and she was crying, but it was the right thing to do. She told me it was a shock and she went to her sister's. They're both leaving in 2 days overseas for a few months.

Please reassure me that I did the right thing. Thanks.

I am sure you did the right thing. Of course it was not pleasant. The difference is you are unhappy now, but you are on the path to a better and happier life. You will have the opportunity to find a proper loving partner. If you had not divorced her you would be unhappy and have no prospect of it getting better. Keep your eyes on the prize - a better future. Her travelling should give you the perfect opportunity to withdraw emotionally from her. Go grey rock.

She was crying because her plan of having a plan B just went out the window. You have been married for just about a year and this is what she is. She's blamed you for her actions and though that she could railroad you. You just showed her that she has zero control over you. THIS is why she's crying.

You 100% did the right thing.

If I was in the situation you're in now, I would use these couple of months to pack her stuff and take them to one of her family's houses and drop them off. A few months away is pretty much abandoning the relationship in my books (although that holds zero weight legally)

But why do I feel so bad and guilty about it? I wish I loved myself enough to not feel guilty about serving divorce papers to a cheater.

It is because you have self-respect and empathy, that you have the humanity to feel 'bad' about having your WW served. It is unlikely that she would have the same empathy for you, if the shoe were on the other foot. The feeling is normal, human, and shows that you are a better person.

it was the right thing to do.

You have taken your first step to get out of Infidelity. Between now and the actual D date, observe what your WW's actions are. Don't bother with what she says, as they are 99.99% chance that they are lies, as words hold no form unless backed by actions.

She told me it was a shock and she went to her sister's. They're both leaving in 2 days overseas for a few months.

This should already give you an inkling of where her priorities are. If a WS were served D papers, and they tryly wanted a chance at R, the trip would have been cancelled immediately. As it is, she is valuing a trip (for a few months no less) with her sister, over you and the M.

They're both leaving in 2 days overseas for a few months.

Well my wish for you Yoga, is she has an extended stay over there.

Your wife crying when served? Boo hoo. Those were tears for little old her.

If she wanted the marriage she'd be going NOWHERE right now.

If she leaves for overseas, good riddance.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

She's going on the trip to visit family as she hasn't seen them for years. I fully expect her to go.

This was the right time to serve the papers as I wasn't going to be in limbo while she was on vacation for months with possibly the other boy going to meet her.

This was the right time to serve the papers as I wasn't going to be in limbo while she was on vacation for months with possibly the other boy going to meet her.

Don't blame you, good for you for getting it done before she left.

Now that you're divorcing you might hear stories of a 'Girls Gone Wild' vacation, I mean she didn't care when you were married, and now that you're divorcing...

Doesn't sound like guilt or morals are part of her psyche, so this vacation may have been a sex fest in any event.

I can't imagine you sitting at home for a couple of months wondering what your wife was up to. YIKES.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 8:04 AM, Tuesday, January 25th]

Of course you did the right thing, the only right thing.
The look on her face and her crying are due to the shock of being served unexpected D papers. So this was a reflection of the moment, not all that had happened in general.
You can easily guess that she wasn't crying like that while having sex with AP or talking about their future children. While she was doing this, she probably wasn't thinking of being married to you either. After all, that's what she wanted too, just not on the terms she set. Her disappointment stems from that events to develop beyond her will and control.

Now is a good opportunity for you to detach yourself from her. She doesn't seem too keen on R, either. Her priority will likely be to see what she can do with her relationship with the AP, but there's also the possibility after a while that she'll want to R with you if the AP sees things getting serious and lets her down.
So far, you handled it very well. Good luck.

You serving her showed her a few things.

You are NOT a Plan B for anyone

You are strong

You are not staying in a marriage while she continues to cheat and disrespect you

She cried (as others pointed out) for herself. She’s no longer calling the shots. She cried b/c you up-ended her plans. She never thought you would D her.

Good for you for taking back your power!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:33 AM, Tuesday, January 25th]

She told me it was a shock and she went to her sister's. They're both leaving in 2 days overseas for a few months.

Is this the same sister that was going to allow WW and POSOM to hook-up after the Thanksgiving trip? Chances are that POS is going to show up on this one, too. You absolutely are doing the right thing D her.