hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 2:58 PM on Thursday, July 10th, 2025
While I can see what wwtl is saying, sex after an affair is tricky but it can be different for every couple . My husband was very much wanting all my best efforts and wanted me to do new things and work solidly on bringing our passion back. His attitude about it was very different than yours. There does need to be sensitivity over the emotional complexities over sex after an affair regardless.
When things got more stable, my h and I talked a lot about our sex life and renegotiated a lot of things. It’s completely different than in our pre A marriage in a good way.
And wwTL- I don’t think she was like "do it harder" it was he was having performance issues because of how much he drank and she could not get to where he was trying to take her because she was saying she needed HIM to be harder. I agree this was insensitive.
They need to work through their communication to better understand each other. I think this issue was fueled by alcohol and a loaded for their marriage due to his history of going for the jugular to hurt her emotionally and of course the affair. To her this is a pattern, and she needs to understand the triggers are different. She needs to know the land mines and know how to deal with them when they come up for himI. He needs to learn communicate those things without letting them build up until he wants to hurt her so much.
8 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled
wjbrennan78 (original poster member #84763) posted at 3:58 PM on Thursday, July 10th, 2025
HO it was wanting the act harder not me harder. If was about me I would have been really pissed. Like other BS I do get intrusive images some times during the act.
You are right that it was alcohol fueled. We drank all day and night - and it was a recipe for disaster. Doesn't excuse my kill shot of a statement.
Our communication has to get better. We talked again last night, when in the recent past we reserved Monday evenings for our check-ins and A conversation. I think we are needing to do it more frequently in the short term to allow for more candid conversation so we both don't get so bottled up.
I'm just trying to reconcile the shitty thing she did to me and my family in a way it doesn't explode into anger or takes over my day. It really is a lot of exhausting work.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:14 PM on Thursday, July 10th, 2025
I found I got some relief by saying - not in an emotion-free way 
- something like, 'I'm furious at you for _____.' (Fill in the blank.)
For the first year or so, I asked a lot of questions intended to shame my W, but I didn't get a lot of relief from that, either.
I did not get much relief, if any, from exclaiming stuff like, 'You cheated!' or 'You cheater!' I didn't call my W names. I thought (and think) cheating is worse than any of the names. I didn't want to insult any creature by using the creature's name in association with my W.
Anger is a signal that something is going on in your life that you don't like. Some anger-making things can be changed; some can't. If you can't change it, let it go. If you can change it, decide how much work you're willing to do to make the changes you want, and do the work. Monitor results and adjust as necessary.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:15 PM, Thursday, July 10th]
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 5:43 PM on Thursday, July 10th, 2025
Ohhhh I have been thinking this whole time that it was performance. When you said you had been drinking and needed a minute, I thought wow that’s emasculating to tell a man he isn’t hard enough.
Sorry for misunderstanding that. I still understand why it’s it caused the reaction but I really was thinking what kind of woman would say that to any man when having a performance issue? That was a different level than I thought she was being. I can see how the reaction would have caught her more off guard.
Regardless, I agree the heart of the issue is the bottling up.
[This message edited by hikingout at 5:53 PM, Thursday, July 10th]
8 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled
RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 9:13 AM on Friday, July 11th, 2025
WJB,
Don't beat yourself up over your anger, as your DDay was relatively recent.
As far as I know September was the last time she broke NC.
This would also have set back any gains you might have made since DDay, as the A does not end until NC is complete NC.
September could be considered the end of the A, unless there is contact again. Effectively, you have only started your healing journey for about 10mths only.
The guideline of 2-5yrs for R would start from September, and not April.
RR
