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Filing for D is a result of her consistent actions. You can feel bad about the actions she took giving you little choice but to do it, that's normal, but don't translate that feeling to guilt. You did nothing wrong.

This action makes everything clear for her. She has not been able to be truthful or transparent; now she knows what that gives her. If she can find it in herself to change then I am sure you will see it. The problem is that many waywards do not have the strength to look deep inside, take accountability and then do the work to change. I really do think it's a daunting task and I've come to realize that the ones who find their resolve and accomplish it are worthy of admiration. W

[This message edited by Trdd at 12:21 PM, Tuesday, January 25th]

My biggest regret is that I didn’t tell my cheating H to GTFO on dday1.

I didn’t know about SI until 3 years after dday2 so I was not getting the best advice. I was acting on my gut instinct. But I still made some mistakes.

I lived through his blaming me for the affair, his flaunting his affair in my face, his putting me in a position to "audition" for the role of side while he compared me to the OW, false reconciliation, Queen if the "Pick Me" Dance and dday2.

However 5 months later I did tell him to get out and I was D him. I was done!!! Restored my power and self esteem in one fell swoop.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou

I wasn't going to be in limbo

Good for you on this part. You are taking care of yourself. She was crying because she knows she has been a terrible wife. She had to be fired from the job. You weren't going to talk her into loving you.

while she was on vacation for months with possibly the other boy going to meet her.

while she was on vacation for months with the other boy going too. I had to fix that for you. She cheated on you without remorse. She was going to do it again.
She didn't think you were going to put your foot down on her behaving like a married woman.
She was going to go show family how she is married and what not, then cheat the whole trip because you were in another area code.
You did the right thing. You being there is all the better because she knows it wasn't a mistake. You are telling her you deserved better.

You absolutely did the right thing. Even if she pulls a complete 180 and checks every box for a remorseful wayward and somehow convinces you to attempt reconciliation continue with divorce at full speed. If she wants R she can do it as your ex wife.

I believe California is one of those lovely states were 10 years of marriage somehow equals lifetime alimony. (As with all free internet legal counseling, check with your lawyer.) She’s an unemployed unremorseful cheater who couldn’t even make it through the honeymoon period. She has proven herself to be a god awful risk.

It’s natural for you to feel that way. But with her leaving you absolutely did the right thing.

If she were truly concerned or even more so, devastated, with her marriage and how it was falling apart, she’d immediately cancel her trip, stay home and say "let’s focus on us".

Unless you hear something like that, don’t think twice about serving. It was the right thing to do. If it were me in her shoes I’d be telling my sister I can’t go cuz I’m about to lose the most important person in the world to me. I doubt she’s saying that unfortunately.

So while she is gone work w the lawyer to get the divorce process as far along as you can for when she returns.

I wish you strength.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I'm sure you speak from experience and the advice is from someone who lived through it.

She sent me a few texts detailing how she wished we did the divorce after she comes back from the trip instead of 'spoiling' the trip for her. She says she feels shocked and felt like she was served like a criminal. She says she has no choice as I filed for divorce and the date on the papers was about a month earlier. Pretty much she said it was my fault we divorced and she wanted to stay with me but she will respect my choice.

@the1stwife : I do believe that if I was given a do-over, I would have just left her 2 months ago when I found out -to at least keep more moral superiority as well. I noticed your signature says you were almost divorced but reconciled?

Yoga

She says she has no choice as I filed for divorce and the date on the papers was about a month earlier. Pretty much she said it was my fault we divorced and she wanted to stay with me but she will respect my choice.

That’s called blameshifting and is pretty much standard operating procedure for an unrepentant WS. Same song, different verse. It should actually serve as evidence to you that you’re doing the right thing. You cannot R with an unrepentant cheater. So, your only option is D.

she wished we did the divorce after she comes back from the trip instead of 'spoiling' the trip for her.

Ah those pesky consequences they just ruin everything.

Yoga yes we did reconcile. It was a strange turn of events (dday2). Not to bore you with the saga but I will tell you this:

Without remorse you cannot reconcile and be happy

If the cheater doesn’t end the affair on their own them you have no shot at being in a monogamous marriage

If the cheater doesn’t WANT to change then you should just know they won’t. No matter what the betrayed spouse says or does.

Dday1 my H was a typical lying cheating spouse. Dday2 when I found out about the continued affair I was done. I told him I was D him b/c there was nothing left to the marriage.

He had just ended the affair a few hours prior. Didn’t really matter though. I was moving on.

I had no interest in any reconciliation. BTDT and found out he never stopped cheating. But he managed to immediately show me he was serious. So I gave myself 3 months time and I figured I would get my finances in order. But he worked hard for years to turn this around.

Eight years later we are happy. We are luckily. He’s not resorted to any old behaviors. He takes full responsibility for the affairs he had. He thanks me for standing by him often.

People will change but only if they want to. It doesn’t appear that your STBXW wants to. How sad!!

Odds are she cheats in this guy too. And the next. And the next one too.

You just showed her that she has zero control over you. THIS is why she's crying.

Re-read this^^^ over and over again. Internalize it. This is you taking concrete steps to seize back your dignity.

And this...

she wished we did the divorce after she comes back from the trip instead of 'spoiling' the trip for her. She says she feels shocked and felt like she was served like a criminal.

...made me wanna puke. This is a reprehensible self-absorbed thing to say. She engages in 'morally criminal' behavior and she still wants to be treated with regard. Stunningly tone deaf, but not surprising.

Don't answer her stupid texts.
Poor her, D isn't an issue but the problem is her trip was spoiled.

felt like she was served like a criminal.

This was once a crime all over the world and is still a crime in some countries, sin in all religions, evil on morality.

She says she has no choice as I filed for divorce and the date on the papers was about a month earlier.

She had the choice not to cheat on you, and after she caught she had the choice not to continue, but she chose to cheat unceasingly.

Pretty much she said it was my fault we divorced and she wanted to stay with me but she will respect my choice.

I'm sure you're well aware of her unremorse. All she wants is to put the blame on you and get a divorce "as you wish(!)".

Pretty much she said it was my fault we divorced and she wanted to stay with me but she will respect my choice.

You've been married a little over a year and she started cheating before the ink was dry on your marriage license. Why does she want to stay with you? She sure doesn't respect you or your wedding vows.
You're doing the right thing.

Looks like AP/ BF. Is going to sh*t or get off the pot. Fun and games are over. Dose the BF really want a cheater for a wife,? Most likely NO. He now has to look for a way to run.

The fact that she suggests that the divorce is putting a crimp in her vacation, after she cheats on you? That is hard evidence that you definitely did the right thing.

Someone should throw you a party for how well you handled this, Yoga.

Yoga:

You are going to be okay. You made the right decision for you. Get stronger and heal. Go to IC to help with some of your FOO issues. Go no contact. Do not engage with her. She is only looking to lash out and fling blame. You carry no blame for her cheating.

Your WW who says that her wish is to stay in your M! This is the same person who began cheating behind your back one year into your M, lying and deceiving, telling you she no longer loved you, and when confronted blamed you, and continued to plan to meet her AP behind your back on a trip, and receive expensive gifts from him. I ask you, do these actions demonstrate a person who sincerely wishes to stay married? Actions not words, always watch the actions. Good luck.

Yoga: I just finished re-reading your story and I would also like to join the chorus in stating that you did the right thing. Your divorce should be extremely simple. If you get hit with any spousal support it will be of exceedingly short duration. I don't know if you live in a no-fault state, but most likely you will just end up splitting 50/50 the marital assets accumulated over the one-year marriage. So, financially you should recover quickly.

Emotionally, it will take you time to recover. Start working on your recovery immediately. If your IC is not giving you advice but simply listening to what you have to say, find someone else. Limit your contact with your WW to matters involving the divorce. Do not make any moves without first discussing with your attorney.

Lean on friends and family to help you through the next several months. It certainly sounds like your WW has no remorse or desire to reconcile. If this changes, don't buy into it. Imagine what you would be facing down the line if she pulled this stunt again after 10 years and two children. She is a very poor bet to truly change from your description. Hit the gym, eat right, and stay engaged with family and friends. When the moment hits you, prepare a life plan concerning your career and future goals. Counseling with a good therapist is essential in order to deal with your insecurity issues and feelings of inadequacy. You are not inadequate. You just hooked up with a bad news person who ran you into the ground. Good luck to you and stay strong.

These comments give me strength. As I feel a lot of sadness about it.

She wished me the all the best.

A part of me really wished the reconciliation worked out, but it didn't.

Healing myself starts now.

She does not work. How is she financing this trip? Make sure you are off all credit cards.

These comments give me strength. As I feel a lot of sadness about it.

Yes, you will grieve the end of the relationship and that is perfectly normal. In my case, I had a very young son as well, so it was worse. But guess what - my healing was fast as well. Don't fight the sadness, certainly grieve but understand that the dark clouds will certainly lift, and much sooner than you expect.

She wished me the all the best.

This is a positive sign, hopefully at some point, she will confess the truth as well. Even if not, you should now move on with your life.

A part of me really wished the reconciliation worked out, but it didn't.

That's normal as well, don't fight the sadness - accept it, and let it pass rather than linger.

Healing myself starts now.

That's the spirit! Pamper yourself a bit - indulge in your favorite hobby, check some items off your bucket list, and you'll soon get over this.