SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello my friends. I have read this forum religiously, or even obsessively since I became a member of this unfortunate community, and it has offered so much comfort and wisdom I am forever thankful for. It has now been a bit more than a month since I learned that my husband fell for another woman on a work trip. It can only be summed up as living hell. The affair was not physical in nature, but emotional, and it put my husband deep in the affair fog and made him question his feelings for me and our entire relationship. Without warning I felt utterly abandoned. The change was so drastic and sudden, that I thought it couldn't possibly be real. It was as if he was possessed or under the influence of a drug that completely warped his perception of reality. Because of how extreme the change was, in the midst of shock and terror, I also had hope and even a feeling that he might come around, that it would sooner or later occur to him the massive consequences this would have on our little family, and that this realization would bring him back to me and to reality. But of course I didn't know for sure if or when that would happen, and I had to face the possibility that it wouldn't. He has gone through different stages throughout this time. First he blamed me and the marriage, which I hear is typical behavior in order to justify the cheating. He did take those things back pretty quickly, and did start to point fingers at himself and the character flaws that could have led to this. He has been alternating between being very confused and lucid about it all, and except for the first few days he has been respectful of me and my feelings. We spent some time apart, which I feared would only distance ourselves even more from each other. When we did get back together I was overwhelmed by the pain I experienced, of what has been lost. At first I struggled to be in the same room as him, but he initiated conversations, which has brought us closer. He has now said that he has the feelings that he has, but that his goal is for us to be good together again, even if the road to that place will be long and hard. In many ways these are the words I have been longing to hear all this time. But instead of relief, I feel numb. Ambivalence is maybe the right word here. I feel like I don't know who I am, or what to do. I have fought so hard to get him back to reality, to show him what he has in me and in our family. It was an extremely frustrating position to be in, as I was the one that was betrayed, who saw my life as I knew it fall apart, everything that I cared for be demolished. It is now dawning on me the magnitude of the trauma, and questions, not only if I can ever trust that this wont happen again, but anything at all. We are waiting to get into therapy, and I have faith that that can be helpful. But right now I just feel empty. I guess I am just wondering if there is any advice for me in this time. We are still so far from recovery and reconcilation, but closer than we have ever been since this happened, so it is a strange time. Will I get the fighting spirit back?

Hi M: So great that you found us, but so sad that you needed to look for us. There are many stories in here about new betrayals and multiple betrayals - even after reconciliation. The whys don't even matter anymore, because there is no good enough reason for this behavior. And, so many of the stories are so similar in the behaviors of both the WS and the BS. Whatever path you choose, put things in place for you so that you are in the best position to care of yourself and your children. At least talk to an attorney to get an idea of where you will land if you can't stay in your marriage by your choice or his. And, a therapist to help you through your feelings. Reading the posts in here is so helpful.

I want to acknowledge your pain and deep hurt over this situation. I remember those days quite well when I was in your shoes. Hoping we still had a chance to repair and restore the marriage after an affair.

I can share my H had a typical midlife crisis affair and planned to D me. For six months I heard "I want a D" from him but yet he did nothing about it.

If two people are truly committed to the marriage then reconciliation is possible. However there are stages you will go through as the betrayed spouse - grief, sadness, anger — all part of the healing process.

Your spouse needs to prove to you for quite some time that he is committed to the marriage. Almost 12 years after Dday and my H still does things to prove to me he is committed to me and the marriage.

I did not tell my H what to do or how to reconcile as I wanted him to prove to me he was all in. If I told him to do A or B or C then I felt that I would be leading him down the R path. I wanted and needed to see that HE was willing to do the heavy lifting.

My H needed to prove to me that he was fully committed to the marriage. Did he make mistakes? Yes. But he was always there trying. No matter what.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:27 AM, Tuesday, March 11th]

Thank you @icangetpastthis for your words of support.

@the1stwife, I can see quite some similarities between both of our stories. All though my husband never got to the point that he wanted to divorce me, he DID say that his feelings for the other woman made him question his feelings for me and therefore our relationship. He was extremely confused about it, and it was really hard for me to figure out what it all meant. Because of fear I also jumped to conclusions as I already felt abandoned. It didn't make sense to me either, because we had a great time before all of this happened. We made love, had fun together, told each other how much we loved each other, and all of a sudden he questioned it?! But I understand that the chemicals released in the brain during limerence is something else, and nothing I could do could ever evoke those intense feelings in him anymore. We had a very intense and incredible start of our own relationship, so I recognize the feelings and what it can do to a person. But to see him change his opinion so suddenly was terrifying. Can I ask you how your husband makes sense out of this time, now so many years later? To be so convinced only to do a complete 180 back to you?

Can I ask you how your husband makes sense out of this time, now so many years later? To be so convinced only to do a complete 180 back to you?

The short answer is on dday2 he had ended it with the OW a few hours before I found out he had re-started the affair and was still cheating while I was working my but off to Reconcile.

Unfortunately it was the last straw for me and I very calmly told him the next day I was left with no choice but to D him. I told him he was free to go and be with the OW and then did the very hard 180.

I didn’t speak to him for months unless the kids were around. I wouldn’t be in the same room as him unless the kids were around. This went on for months.

I planned to file after the holidays and was kicking him to the curb prior to that.

My CH never thought I would find out the truth and he thought he could take it to his grave. I actually called the OW and inside of 2 minutes found out everything I needed to know.

My H had to work very hard for a long time to turn this around. Are we happy? Yes. But I can tell you the first year of R I woke up every day and my first thoughts were "I cannot do this. I need to D him" even though he was doing everything possible to Reconcile.

I hope this helps you.

I have stared a couple of posts on your situation but never really got to outlining my thoughts completely...

When I read how you describe your husband and the situation...
He spends a lot of time travelling for work. I’m assuming it’s not to go pick fruit or to work construction sites at minimum pay. Assuming he has some specialist job where he travels with compensation for travel and a decent wage. I’m guessing his income is decent. Yet you mention financial issues...
You mention you two sharing costs, yet you don’t have access to his private accounts...
He seems to live a double life – he’s Dr. Jekyl at home, and Mr. Hyde when away...
He had alcohol and drug issues but "that’s in the past", yet you mention drinking and coming home hungover and all that...
Control issues...
Emotional issues...

I’m not clear on where you two are at. If he’s still with OW or has plans to be with her, or if you two are reconciling.

But...
I do think that before any hope is placed in saving this marriage your husband needs to clean up.
I asked/implied about alcoholism and you don’t think that’s an issue. Maybe you are correct but I do think all the above indicate unsteadiness and chaos, and I don’t think drinking and the secrecy and all that help in gaining control of life.

Would the two of you maybe be willing to commit to a 6-month sobriety and truth period?
For someone that doesn’t have a substance abuse issue six months is easy-peasy. The main issue is unconsciously slipping into the old pattern – like having a glass of wine with dinner. But honestly – IF you two were reconciling – then maybe deciding to abstain for this brief period might be worth it.
This includes times travelling... If his colleagues go to bars and clubs after work... he has to find a way to abstain from booze and convince you he’s doing so.

Would the two of you be willing to total honesty and openness?
Like you both open up your bank accounts and pay-slips. He has financial issues – maybe it’s better you know about them up-front and the two of you can handle them. Maybe he accepts getting "pocket-money" he can spend – after home necessities are paid for.
I know that for many separate accounts is seen as important and independence. I’m not asking that you or he get’s permission to buy a hamburger, but rather you both are clear on the financial health of each other. After all – if he doesn’t pay his debts the collectors aren’t only taking half the furniture and three of the six chairs at the dining-room table...

I think your relationship needs drastic changes, and the main uncertainty factor and cause for change is your husband. I think his lifestyle is conductive to him keeping his secrets – be that his secret drinking, drug-use, financial infidelity or old-school infidelity. I think any hope you might have for improvement is first and foremost based on him opening up and getting fed up of his present lifestyle.

Welcome to SI. So sorry you have to be a member of this club.

On my way out, but your husband has to understand he cannot EVER have any more communication with this other woman? Ever. No emails, phone calls, texts, social media, never!

Does she work with him? How can you be sure it was just emotional? Always keep in mind cheaters lie and minimize their actions. Also keep in mind that affairs don't happen in a vacuum, there had to be some communication/flirting prior to his trip. My husband, and many betrayeds here, were told the same thing...nothing physical only to find out the truth at a later date. Just be vigilant as his words are meaningless right now.

My husband had an affair with a colleague who worked at a site across the country. He also traveled a great deal. Once I found out about the affair, he never ever uttered another word to the OW except to dump her, his travel came to a screeching halt, and he found another job. I would not tolerate him ever returning to her site for any reason, and he understood he would never be able again to do his job to the best of his ability.

I hope your husband is NC (no contact) with this other woman.

IC would benefit both of you.

Please check out the Healing Library, chock full of great articles.

Thanks for the replies. I needed to take some time off this forum, as I felt that it made it more difficult to see my own situation clearly. When it comes to whether or not the affair was only emotional, the truth is that I can't know for sure, but only in the sense that most people can't know anything for sure. Knowing the environment in which my husband works, and listening to my gut instinct, I find it more likely this is the truth. But this experience has also taught me to never take anything for granted, so of course I can't completely disregard it. If it was NOT only emotional I don't necessarily think there was any sex involved, but I do find it difficult to believe that someone is willing to risk so much for someone they have not had any intimacy with. But from what I am reading about limerence, it seems it is not dependant on having had intimacy with the person. The fantasy of what it COULD be, can be more potent than the reality of it. It's also worth mentioning that he didn't come and tell me that he met someone else and wanted to go be with them, but rather that he was confused, which to me at that time meant the same thing. It was "10 years together, married, two kids, good relationship, close family" on the one end of the scale, and on the other "person I met a few weeks ago that I have a lot in common with". I concluded that for him to be on the fence could only mean that he experienced a moment of insanity. It made him completely confused and irrational for several weeks, until it finally ended a month ago. He had moments of clarity relatively soon after d-day, but was still unable to fully commit to me then. We were apart for a bit more than a week. During this time he said that he wanted to repair our relationship, but that he didn't know how. That he needed to get his head straight. I was in hell during this time. Because even though it felt as if he was getting closer to the idea of fighting for us, I was not convinced by any stretch of the imagination. When I came back I told him that I couldn't live like this anymore. Then he said he wanted to fight for us, despite his feelings for the other woman. I think that decision created a snowball effect out of limerence or affair fog or whatever you want to call it. Now he says that his feelings for me have returned, that he is in love with me and wants to do anything to fight for us again. He is showing signs of true remorse. Is open to discussing the things I need to discuss, has empathy for me and my emotions. No blame shifting or defensiveness. Our story is not a story of someone who has been cheating for a long time. He met someone he never met before on a work trip. Came back and was visibly acting different. Looking very weighed down by what he had done. To me that tells me that he was struggeling hard with what was going on, and felt immense guilt about it. I see that as a sign that supports his account, that this is a person he recently met. At first I didn't feel this way, but now I do find some comfort knowing that this didn't go on for a long time and involved extensive lying and hiding over a prolonged period of time. I think that that would complicate reconciliation a great deal more, and we already have trust issues from the past that were never completely resolved, so it feels complicated enough already.

To Bigger I would also like to say thank you for your input. You are right in that his lifestyle has elements of chaos in it, and that his travelling creates an opportunity to live a double life so to speak. I don't mean that in a typical Jekyl/Hyde way. More in that there is a big contrast and separation between his home life vs. work life, and that this instability is a risk factor for these things to happen, be it infidelity or substance abuse. In the last years, on the other hand, he has been very connected with life at home even when travelling, being very available to me and making sure to stay in contact with the kids regularly. He has also stopped excessive drinking, all though I do know that there is partying going on here and there. These improvements are a result of the work that we both have put in in the past. I also want to note that my husband is not a two-faced, cold blooded manipulator, but he has vulnerabilities in his personality, in combination with a chaotic childhood, which taught him some destructive coping mechanisms. All of these concerns are things that I am going to address once we start therapy together and as we start to unpack all of the layers of the betrayal and what led to it, because I see them as contributing factors to what we are dealing with now. I will bring your input about sobriety with me, Bigger. I have a relationship with alcohol at this point that I can take it or leave it, and I rarely drink anymore, but I suspect for my husband this is more complicated.

Um ... I read a lot of excuses for your H in your posts. That is unhealthy, especially at this point.

I read some grandiosity and blurred boundaries. You could not get your WS back to reality. He had to decide - to make a choice - to see reality as you do.

All in all, I see some indicators of co-dependence. That's an observation, not a criticism, but if it's accurate, your best bet is to get out of co-d. Are you in IC? Have you talked about co-d?

Gently, my eyes are not great. I could not give your opening the post the attention it deserves because it lacks white space/paragraphs. I think you'd get more responses if you broke up your text.

I don't understand why you think you need a break from SI. What do you hope a break will accomplish? Are you running from confrontation? (That's an honest question.)