SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I used to be very much a romantic - loved the books, movies, songs. One of my favorite movies growing up was "Ladyhawke" - that two people mate for life and never need anyone else in their hearts. Now I find myself on the opposite side, full of cynicism about those kinds of stories. I do believe that people can be faithful for a lifetime, but the whole "falling in love" stuff just strikes me as a bad idea.

Yes, absolutely the fact that WS and his AP fell madly in love is why I feel this way now. Whenever I see or hear anything about that initial romantic phase, I imagine them feeling this way, and all I can think is how stupid and pointless it is. I cannot seem to find a way to open my heart, not about other people, not even in my imagination. I'm a little worried about how I'm going to react when my kid enters into her first romantic relationship (she's a teenager, so probably in the next few years). A good friend's kid (under 18yo) has been secretly seeing someone over 21yo for nearly a year, and my friend just found out and is freaking out. Why does "love" make people behave in such terrible ways? It's a struggle to not allow my cynicism to color my reactions.

People genuinely lose all common sense over these feelings, and they often hurt others in the process. The more I think about it, the less I want to have anything to do with it. Maybe if I was younger, like if I still wanted to have kids and build a life with someone, I'd be more open to it? But I'm 50, post-menopausal, and I'd rather be at peace.

Meanwhile, WS is terribly remorseful now, claims that he has fallen back in love with me, and wishes I would return his feelings. I shrug at him and say there's nothing there inside me. I literally cannot feel those emotions, not even vicariously. I have no desire to touch him other than the occasional friendly hug. It's kind of strange, but I also don't mind. If he could accept my friendship and not ask for more, I think we'd be in an okay place. Ironically, the harder he tries to convince me that I might feel something for him in the future, the more I hope I never do.

Oh NTFTM I completely agree with this 110%.

My WH never claimed to love his AP, he just wanted cheap thrills and sex. However, he was willing to risk everything for that. The love of his wife (not that we were in a great place at the time), the love we had as a family. Dirty secret make out sessions and sex was ok on the side - I mean he still loved me at the time (yeah right 🤮🙄)

Well fuck love if that is what he thinks love is. It took me ages to listen to romantic music again but I just sing along because I like the tunes rather than listen and believe the words. I just focus on the love of family and friends now. I don’t need his distorted version in my life.

The thing is I actually think he can now see that the love he once had is now lost because of what he has done and he genuinely seems heartbroken. Rock bottom I think they call it!

[This message edited by Webbit at 7:19 AM, Monday, April 7th]

I caught my husband telling the Ap he loved her on a voice recorder and on messages. I too feel so cynical now about love. He claims he loves me now and he made up loving the AP which is someone how supposed to make me feel better 😂.

When I go to weddings now, I feel cold inside when the vows are read. Another part of me thinks maybe this is the human condition. Maybe we are not supposed to mate for life. Actually I read somewhere post dday I think it was in marriage builders that men can easily love more than two people where as women don’t and when they have an affair and fall in love it is usually an exit affair where as men can easily do it as they have been throughout history. When I see it like that I feel less bad and then I feel I am happy if all my marriage is, is a contract in which to secretly raise children in. Maybe we put too much pressure in it in the west

Sometimes people don’t realize what they had until it’s gone.

Sometimes people want what they can’t have, which may be why your H is trying so hard. It’s the chase he’s interested in more than the marriage.

Sometimes you may need to recognize your H has serious issues that gave him "permission" in his mind to cheat. Have they been addressed?

Also you have been pushed to your limit and his last affair may have just been a dealbreaker.

Maybe your feelings for him will return. Maybe not.

Just sorry you are in this position.

But w/out getting professional advice your H may not be ready for a commitment to you & monogamy. His coping skills appear to be "have an affair" as his go to choice.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:01 AM, Monday, April 7th]

I used to be super militant about affair "love" not actually being love. If it stems from dysfunction and requires hiding and lies, it's not love. It's limerence. It still hurts like a MFer thinking of your WS having those strong feelings for someone else.

I have felt this way many times over in life. I too did not regain any feelings towards my xWS after his A's. I am also in my early 50's but the surprising thing is that I have found love again. I don't believe there is one person for you in life or the whole "soulmate" BS. I believe you can fall in love again and it did happen to me. I think we tend to get into these dark periods after being hurt or betrayed but when you've healed yourself it is possible to be open to it again. Just not sure if it will be possible with your WS. I think sometimes a relationship/M has run it's course and when there is too much hurt and baggage it just isn't possible to regain, unless it's someone new. Someone who hasn't caused you trauma. Anyways it's just my opinion, but I have felt what you have felt. I didn't think I would ever be in a relationship again but here I am. Hoping for healing and peace and possibility of love again for you.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:28 PM, Monday, April 7th]

I still believe in true love; it's just that my definition of true love changed for the better in the aftermath of my divorce.

I first met my ex because I would routinely walk past the restaurant/wine bar on my way home from work, just as they were setting up for the evening. Unbeknownst to me, I was the "hottie" that my ex and the male staff commented on as I passed every day. One evening, I happened to glance through the window, made eye contact with him, and smiled. The other guys dared him to ask for my phone number. He chased me down the street and did just that. I fell head over heels for him almost instantaneously. I used to love telling that "meet cute" story all the time because it sounded straight out of a rom-com movie. In the wake of the affairs, it was devastating to look back at the moment and think of myself as just yet another hot girl with a phone number.

Now contrast that with how I met my current husband, which was on an online dating site. We met up for lunch. I thought he was handsome, smart, and interesting, but he didn't immediately knock my socks off the way my ex did. But in a way that was such a relief... I felt like it gave me emotional distance and clarity of mind that I needed to really get to know him and build a meaningful connection.

Another thing that's different between my first marriage and my second is that my life should've been easier with my ex. We were young, didn't own anything other than a vehicle, had no kids, and were in peak physical condition. My husband and I have kids, mortgages, have went through numerous health scares and personal crisis together... and yet life is somehow more manageable and more peaceful even during the worst of times than it ever was with my ex in the best of times.

One of the main reasons that I'm glad I didn't stay with ex is that I could definitely see how I would've become hard-hearted and cynical, or worse... needing to believe that all men were garbage and that true love was just a fantasy in order to justify staying married to a man who was unfaithful, didn't respect me, and who I could no longer respect or rely on.

I think it is natural to feel the way you do right now. There is a season for everything. I think it may not be possible for you to love him again, and you have not finished processing this relationship so the desire for another would seem overwhelmingly not doable, and that’s okay. Nothing wrong with that.

I would recommend focusing on loving yourself and adding as much goodness to each day as possible Think about how you can be good to you, think about trying things you wish you had made more time for. If you can afford a trip alone, do it.

I am with soul sister, I don’t think affairs are love. I also do not think they are like the infatuation one feels when they are available to date and meet someone they like. It’s hard to explain this sometimes to people who have not had affairs because they project what they would be after or feeling. They are not romantic start crossed lover situations, they are situations in which two people act like they are better than they are and are drawn together more because of the instability of the relationship. They lie to each other with no plans of protecting each other from shit. They are a sham.

It doesn’t remove the idea that your marriage may be a sham for you and it may always look this way to you, especially since there have been multiple affairs. Hard to say, I don’t think it’s odd to kind of be in a plain of lethal flatness stage, after the time that has passed I am certain you are exhausted by all of it.

I don’t think you will feel differently until the outcome of this marriage is sorted out, and as someone your age I can see why the idea is not attractive of meeting someone new or trying to fall in love with your husband or any scenario that involves love. I agree with bluer than blue it maybe at some point in the future redefining what you believe to be love may transpire

I just want to encourage you to focus on your happiness and I think the rest will sort itself out just fine. I think your heart is exhausted and nourishing it is going to require rest and care that only you can give it. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so just focus on filling your cup. Things will undoubtedly get better in one direction or another from there.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:59 PM, Monday, April 7th]

It's good (?) to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way, or who has felt this way in the past!

Sometimes you may need to recognize your H has serious issues that gave him "permission" in his mind to cheat. Have they been addressed?

The1stWife, he has been doing IC and he did some group therapy a while back, and he is working on his issues, including childhood trauma, ADHD diagnosis, anxiety, and a host of other stuff. At this point, he has a pretty clear picture of why the affairs happened, and he's twisting himself in knots trying to change in ways that he thinks will ensure he never behaves like that again.

crazyblindsided, I am impressed that you have found romantic love again after everything you've gone through. I don't know how I could ever trust someone enough to want to attach myself to them, but I guess anything is possible as long as I'm alive.

I just want to encourage you to focus on your happiness and I think the rest will sort itself out just fine. I think your heart is exhausted and nourishing it is going to require rest and care that only you can give it. You can’t pour from an empty cup, so just focus on filling your cup. Things will undoubtedly get better in one direction or another from there.

hikingout, you are right about all of this. I am exhausted! As of a month ago, I took the step of renting a weekday commuter apartment, ostensibly to be closer to our kid's school, but it's also a way for me to get some much needed breathing room. I am definitely happier while physically separated from WS.

As for love vs. limerence/infatuation/etc., I'm less concerned with that distinction. It's the sense of romantic attraction, regardless of whether it is "true love" or not, that I'm entirely missing right now. I'm quite happy on my own and don't see any reason to attach my emotional well-being to another person. It's hard to fathom why I ever bothered - I literally can't even recall how it felt before or why it felt good. It is very strange. I described it to my therapist like a split in my brain - everything that happened when I was younger with WS or ex-boyfriends don't seem like they happened to me. I know intellectually that they did, and I can remember specific moments, but the *feelings* from those memories are entirely absent.

There is from time to time a thread about music triggers. I can say that infidelity songs don’t really bother me, but love songs make me roll my eyes and want to 🤮.

[This message edited by Tanner at 2:54 PM, Tuesday, April 8th]

It's hard to fathom why I ever bothered - I literally can't even recall how it felt before or why it felt good. It is very strange. I described it to my therapist like a split in my brain - everything that happened when I was younger with WS or ex-boyfriends don't seem like they happened to me. I know intellectually that they did, and I can remember specific moments, but the *feelings* from those memories are entirely absent.

This resonated so, so much with me. I used to be so in love with my WH. For more than 20 years.
I always felt so grateful, I noticed it was unusual in my peers. My friends all sort of got into a rut, grew a bit tired of their husbands over time, felt like sex was a chore etc. The typical passing of time doing its work. I never felt that way and was acutely aware that it was something to cherish and feel grateful for. Even in all our hardest times (we were already in MC when he started his A because we were struggling with some issues) we were both (at least that's what we both said to each other and in MC ), deeply in love. We had problems, but a great love for each other, lack of love or passion was never the issue back then.

These days? I can barely remember what that felt like, it's like I'm starting to question if I imagined it or if it was just some kind of illusion? Like you write, it's like it didn't happen to me, it's just something I read in a book or saw in a movie but has nothing to do with me really. Intellectually I know it happened, I remember talking and thinking about it and I have letters and diary entries to prove it. But I can just not connect to those feelings anymore. I never thought I could fall out of love with my WH. I didn't even after DD. In fact, I was so utterly crushed by his A because I was so in love and could just not fathom how he could do something so horrible to us? Now? It's like it's slowly withered away. I grieve that I've lost this part of me. I used to be so loving, thoughtful, thankful, romantic. Now I'm just angry, bitter and cynical

I've never seen the point of falling in love. I fought it all through my teens. Shortly after I turned 21, though, I fell. It was an awful experience for me until I realized W2b was as hooked on me in her way, as I was on her in mine.

It's been studied. When the hormones flow, the feeling of being in love can be involuntary.

In Love and Limerence, Tennov ( the author and coiner of the term 'limerence') hypothesizes that some people are limerents and some aren't. I wonder if the people who aren't limerent just haven't met the person who moves them into limerence.

Based on my reading and my experience, I can understand getting turned off by 'love' after being betrayed. I can understand being very cautious. But I also know we can't predict our futures, so ... maybe your romanticism and old ideas about love have changed forever, but maybe not. You'll find out.

Recovering from being betrayed is difficult, but as one heals, one's humanity returns. Whether falling in love is in one's future or not, I think you'll all reconnect with being loving, thoughtful, thankful, kind, and other good things as you heal.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:22 PM, Wednesday, April 9th]

NTFTM, I understand the trust issues that come with betrayal very well. I'm also in my 50s and post-menopausal. My XWH used sex workers for many years and hid it from me until he got arrested for it. I had no desire for intimacy with him once I knew this. He looked the same, but I saw this stranger wearing a mask in front of me. He wanted to reconcile and has been in (I think) decent recovery, however he couldn't really make anything about me rather than him, and I was ready to walk from the get go, I just didn't want to make a decision with my brain so whacked. After 5 months of separation (and a much better mindset thanks to living separately) I asked for a D.

Now when I see a good looking guy in his 50s who looks like a player, I think "he's probably a sex/porn addict." I didn't think I'd trust anyone again enough to risk my heart. I had no intention of being intimate with ANY man again, and I was fine with that.

Then, as I gradually confided in my circle of close friends (from high school days) what I was going through, another betrayed spouse (he's been divorced for 15 years) and I started to recognize a shared connection as we were hanging out more. I've known this guy consistently since we were 12 years old and we've always been good (platonic) friends. He and I have found something with each other on a level we didn't even know existed. There is a deep connection due to shared experiences, loss, and just being friends for 40-odd years. It's amazing.

I used to tell people that I've been very lucky in life, not with things like winning contests or money, but lucky in my loving family and relationships. After I found out about XWH I had a strange time assessing my "luck" as still on the positive side, but I was VERY grateful to be out of the dark. Learning the truth of my marriage was a blessing even as horrible as it was to process. And now, as I start to come out the other side, I've found something very precious waiting to be discovered.

Life is stranger than fiction. Things tend to change and I hope they change in positive ways for you.