SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 4 months since finding out about my WH's EAs. Things move forward, life continues on, and the EAs were starting to feel more distant, but my heart is always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I wonder if I am being too controlling now, telling my WH he's not allowed to see certain people or go to certain places. Have I lost my mind in the process of trying to find it? I'm not entirely sure what my expectations are anymore. Everything seems like a mess of boundaries, more mistakes, and pain. I suppose I just expect him to be a decent human being, someone who is respectful and cares about his family.
Every week, it seems, I find out something else that reopens the wound. But, instead of getting sad, I seem to be getting angrier and angrier. The slightest thing will set me off, and I am yelling and telling him I want a divorce. Perhaps I do.
He had told me he was going to book into therapy, but he didn't- that is, until I lost it. He told me he would order "Not just Friends", he didn't- until I lost it (which by the way is sitting untouched on the coffee table. "I'll start tomorrow," he keeps telling me).
Last week, my WH had to run out to meet a friend before our camping trip. My WH told me he would only be 20 minutes- just there and back. An hour later, he calls stating that he was on his way home, and that he wanted to chat with his buddy a bit as he hasn't been hanging out with him. I asked him where he was and he told me that he was at the casino. Now, the Casino was a place that I asked him not to attend anymore, especially with this friend in particular. For obvious reasons, as well as the fact that this is where he and his EAP would meet up while he was out with this friend. I immediately flew off the handle. It was a mistake. I didn't think it was a big deal, I didn't have any drinks, and there were no girls there.
While camping last weekend with childhood friends of mine, we were all at a restaurant. Who walks in, this friend with his gf alongside one of the EAPs (see this EAP is best friends with said friends GF). My WH was thrilled to see them all and ran over to greet them and embrace them. I found it strange that this group would be in the same city as us, at the same restaurant. But he says he had no idea they were there. On the way out, his EAP came over and was talking about work she needed done at her complex, which is when I realized this woman was still in his life and would continue to be.
Then yesterday, he called me and confessed he had gone to a pub to meet his buddy who was in town with his new gf. Fine. The issue is that the pub they met at is where one of his EAPs best friends work. This best friend was a big part of the problem, enabling the EAP, as well as facilitating it. Again, I lost my mind. I've never been much of a yeller, or someone grumpy and angry... but this whole situation has changed my brain chemistry. She (the EAPs best friend) asked him why he took her off his socials, and he disclosed that I made him because I felt that she did not respect our marriage. Again, I lost it. I just cannot for the life of me understand how these things continue to happen. I feel like it is a complete lack of respect for our marriage, myself, and my feelings. He felt proud for telling her that I felt she had disrespected our marriage and wanted me to praise him. Yet, he went somewhere I asked him specifically not to go, full well knowing that the best friend was there, and decided to have a conversation with her about how I FELT she disrespected our marriage. On top of all of this, while camping, another woman he was being flirtatious with, who he was supposed to block, messaged him Happy birthday. He responded, "Thanks babe" and deleted the message. Every time I get upset and every time he begs me to forgive him that he has just "made a mistake" and that I am overreacting. How many mistakes can one person make before it is just pure ignorance in the guise of a mistake?
I feel like I am going crazy. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I am so sick and tired of his bs. I have complete disdain for him; he's turned this loving, carefree, trusting woman into a complete disaster. Am I overreacting or is this absolute crap?! Am I being overly sensitive here or do I have grounds to be upset? I know sometimes there will be things out of his control that happen, but I feel these things were very much in his control and decisions he made.

Oh honey, you're four months into the most horrifying discovery of your life and he's..... out getting shitfaced at a casino?

Time to put on your bitch boots and get your divorce papers drawn up. You're young enough to recover and have a nice life.

I had to do it at 55, and the first few years were tough, but it's way better than having to constantly second-guess a relentless gaslighting cheater.

Big hugs, you can do it. We can help. Just don't ever tell him about this place, it's your sanctuary.

Onward.

Agree with FaithFool your WH does not care how you feel about it otherwise he wouldn’t do it. The fact he still acknowledges this EAP is so disrespectful to you and your M. I also think he enjoys your reactions to this. It allows him to paint you as the crazy unstable one when it would do that to any of us.

Since he is not making any changes in himself or supporting you I would start planning my exit. There are people out there that would never treat you this way.

You are not losing it for no reason your WH is causing it.

I had to save myself my sanity from XWS. I left when I was 47 it was the best decision I have made. I have peace of mind from the mind games my XWS played on me. You deserve better.

I don't know if you're losing your mind, but I do know that infidelity is crazy-making shit. See my username? I didn't chose it to funny or cute. I honestly felt truly unhinged.

Four months out is still very early. I think it took me a good ten months just to recover from the shock of it all. Don't be too hard on yourself. For most people, surviving infidelity is the most difficult and challenging period of our lives.

Infidelity isn't a mistake; it's a choice (a long series of bad choices, actually). Turning left when you should have turned right is a mistake. Breaking marriage vows is a deliberate decision. Don't accept your WH's bullshit about "mistakes."

If you're willing to give reconciliation a chance, kept in mind that it's a gift we offer to our wayward spouses. What they choose to do with the opportunity will tell you whether or not they're reconciliation material.

Step-back and detach from your WH. Focus on you, your recovery and healing. For most us, it takes years to even begin to heal. Be gentle with yourself.

Check SI's "Healing Library." There are fantastic articles written by veteran members which will help guide you through these early phases.

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Weekends are generally slow around here, this one in particular being 4th of July (not a Canadian thing, of course). Don't be discouraged by a lack of responses to your thread. I'm sure more of our members will be available next week.

It's called betrayal trauma for a reason - it is trauma. You are not being too controlling right now. If your WH wants R, then he should be moving heaven & earth to show he's working on becoming a safe partner.

telling my WH he's not allowed to see certain people or go to certain place

I did the same thing. I had a written list of certain things, such as he could be alone in a room with certain people. The list included me, two of his sisters that I mentioned by name, our DIL and one named niece. If he was at break or lunch, and the only other person there was female, he was to FaceTime me. Well, he decided to go off-list and was inappropriate with somebody, so he's now XWH.

The anger can be scary, can't it? I'd have these waves of anger from the depths of my being well up and words would come out from a place that I didn't recognize.

He isn't making a mistake, he's making conscious decisions to do what he's doing (going places he shouldn't) or not doing (setting up counseling appointments).

Am I overreacting or is this absolute crap?! Am I being overly sensitive here or do I have grounds to be upset?

Not overreacting. He is disrespecting your wishes and minimizing your pain so that he doesn't have to change. What good is it to keep saying "I'm sorry" if nothing changes? The fact that he doesn't take action until you lose it or threaten divorce also speaks volumes about his disregard. I went through something similar. In the end, there's only one person whose actions you can control: yours. Make the decision to stand up for yourself and stop letting him erode your boundaries. Your anger is understandable. Use it to propel action and walk away, otherwise, as long as you keep giving him more chances, he will keep taking advantage of them.