SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How do you let go? My partner of 20 years has had an affair with a younger work colleague he’s fell in love with her. He’s still home as it stands but for the children. It’s clear as anything that he doesn’t want me but I’m still clinging onto hope that he will change his mind.

It’s been since May I found out fully found out how serious it was in June as I went through his phone. Then he was backed into a corner to confess. I’m pretty certain he’s not told all the truth.

I’m absolutely devastated and have literally poured my heart out to him this evening and nothing at all no tap on the hand just a blank look and he fell asleep. I’ve told him what I needed him to do and nothing. The affection has stopped but he will willingly have intercourse with me.

I’m so angry that he’s caused all this destruction and he’s so delusional. We’ve been through so much together and he’s threw our whole life we’ve built 6 children and everything away for a girl 14 years younger who still lives at home with her parents.

I’m not sure if it’s me been bitter or he’s just delusional? He keeps on how much he really liked her and how well they got on. I just want to scream at him how could that be when you were lying to her??

Not sure if I’m cracking up or what?
How do you get passed this stage? How do I just let go before I lose myself? How do I stop grieving for the life I thought we would have?

You're still in the very early stages, so what you're feeling is somewhat normal for where you are. You're barely 2 months in and it can take 2-5 years, if not longer. Give yourself grace at this time. If you're able to get out of bed and brush your teeth, that's a good day.

In the time when I was trying to stay or go, my line in the sand was that XWH was to have no inappropriate contact with another person. Well, he couldn't keep his hands to himself and I told him that he gave me no choice but D because I keep my word.

How did I let go? My betrayal trauma therapist and I worked through The Grief Recovery Handbook and then a mindfulness and self-compassion workbook. It took healing, therapy and time. It wasn't until XWH and I had been separated about a year before I started to realize that the pain wasn't unbearable any longer, which was about 3 years from dday 1 and 15 months post decision to D.

Infidelity sucks and there's no justice. We all heal on different timelines, so practice self-care and focus on you.

You let go when you realize the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving.
He’s not giving you anything to work with, and that is so hard. Please read up on the 180 and implement it to help you detach from him a bit and give your brain a break.

You are still in shock. The anger phase often shows up after 3-6 months, so don’t be surprised if that happens to you. Especially if he still being a dimwit.

PLEASE see a lawyer and get advice on what a D might look like. I know you want R, but right now he’s not a good candidate. It takes two to R and only one to D. And much of what you are experiencing is fear, and knowledge helps to tame the fear. So learn what your options are (and you do NOT need to tell him any of this). And if he does come around and be an R candidate, it will let you work from a position of power not fear.

You say partner - are you legally married? Do you have an income of your own? Tell us more about your situation so we can advise more informed.

Are you in IC? (Individual counseling). It;s REALLY helpful for working through the roller coaster of emotions.What support do you have IRL locally?

As has been pointed out this is all very fresh and it’s to be expected that you are all over the place.
Based on your last post and your above comment about how he keeps harping her qualities then it doesn’t really sound like he’s willing to reconcile as we see reconciliation. Based on him still being there then it’s a lot more that he just wants you to move on.

I’m going to suggest a very hard thing to do. If anything, it can be compared to an emotional rip-off-the-band aid. Tell him something like this:
"Husband. It’s clear you don’t have the emotions a husband is supposed to have to his wife. It’s clear that you think your happiness is with this OW. I might have other thoughts, and this is not how I envisioned our married life, but I still love you so much that I won’t stand in the way of your happiness. Keeping you here against your will is selfish on my behalf, and while you feel forced to be here there is no way you can have the emotions towards me that will fix our marriage.
Therefore I’m setting you free.
Go be with her, date her, spend time with her, move in with her... Whatever.
But not as my husband.

Let’s be real and start the process of terminating our marriage.
It’s a know process well established by law and tradition. We can get a solicitor to manage it, or each get our own. If we both commit to being fair then this can be over with in a few months.
It’s not what I want, but even less do I want to keep you here against your will, nor do I want to constantly be made second choice by your words and actions.

I will contact a solicitor this week and start the process. It would make things easier for you if you want to move on with your life with her to cooperate, but no matter what you do I am taking action.
There is a very small window where you can let me clearly and verbally know you want this marriage, and that might make me reconsider. But as much as I love you then I can’t accept being second choice or that you remain here simply for practical or financial reasons. I would require some actions like you changing jobs, you seeking IC and later on us going to counseling. But it’s all your choice. As I said: you are totally free to be with her. Just like I am totally free to refuse to be your wife if you do that."

Then move on.

Emotionally detach and read up on the hard 180.

And when his life comes crashing down (and it will) you need to decide if you will take him back or not.

I think that he is living in Fantasy Land right now and using this affair as an escape from 6 kids and looking at the OW as the next step to happiness. Life will be "easier" w/out all of the responsibilities he currently has.

Is he the Knight in Shining Armor type? Is this younger OW a hot mess and he’s going to "help her" get her life on track? Is this a typical midlife crisis affair for him and he’s feeling he missed out on life as a young single guy because he’s got "responsibilities"?

Just remember that you can’t believe everything you see. And he may be the type to go running off with the OW and "pretend" to be happy despite having made a mistake.

Missmee, I'm so sorry you're living through this nightmare this thoughtless man has so cruelly done to you and your children. No matter how we may feel about a spouse, or an OW, good or bad, the children should always be the most important thing to any adult. That this man will not do what is in the best interest of his kids, says everything that can be said about him to me. We may want to have sex with someone else, we may want to love someone else, but our obligations are always to our minor children - they need us for practical and moral support. There is no excuse for his behavior.

You're stuck in limbo right now, it sounds like because you don't know what to do with him. It sounds like you're tried appealing to his better nature, his sense of responsibility, his morals, your long relationship - whatever - and nothing makes any difference because this is what he wants right now. He wants this other relationship. There is nothing you can do about that. The "best" case scenario is that he tries to have BOTH and tries to force you into a never-ending pick me dance, which you should never do. Don't do the pick me dance, it's degrading and it doesn't work and it only gives HIM more power.

All I think you can really do in this situation is tell him to get the hell out and go see a lawyer and file for divorce. Do whatever you can to make it hurt - the love is already gone or he wouldn't be doing this. Get your power back through action, stop trying to work with him or change him. THIS BEHAVIOR IS A DECISION ON HIS PART, IT IS HIS CHOICE, no matter what we or any decent people think of it. It's not a decent thing to do, but it's what he wants. Other than trying to have you both which is....degrading and unworkable and a gross insult to you and your children.

Go for the divorce. You don't have to go all the way through, you can pull it at any point. I personally would go all the way. Get individual counseling for yourself, for the support. Take good care of yourself physically and mentally. Get whatever help and support you can get from family and friends and don't hesitate to tell them why. Don't rant about it, people can only take so much (I'm a ranter so I know), but be honest with everyone, let them know what you're going through. Filing for divorce will give you back power in the situation.

Personally as you say this woman is living at home with her parents, I would let her parents know what she is doing. You can do this through a letter, or email, or whatever. You might want to check with an attorney first about the wording but I think just letting them know what she's involved with might help to break it up from that side. I would not rely on getting this man back, frankly, because at this point, I would only think of him as whatever financially he could provide for the kids. I wouldn't want him back after this treatment. Maybe you shouldn't either.

Take care of yourself like you are a Queen. Because you are the Queen of that household and that family and you need to be as healthy as you can be for yourself and them. I think if you kick him to the curb, you might start feeling better about a lot of things. The worst part of any cheating relationship is the LIMBO part, to me. Stay with us and let us know how you're doing, and just also realize that while we're all rooting for you, not all of us, including me, know what is exactly right for you at this time. We can only say what we think or know and you can pick and choose, but believe me, we all do care.