SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So very long story short, OH had an affair for just over a month with a work colleague. It started when our baby was 4-6 weeks old, shortly after my son was born, my dad was diagnosed very unexpectedly with end of life cancer and died 7 weeks later. The night of the day he died, my OH went on a planned night out with AP and slept in a hotel room with her whilst I drove for 4 hours and booked myself into a hotel room to break down on my own with my 2 children. I never got a text or anything to ask how I was. After DD he turned really cold on me, treated me and initiated a court process for 50/50 of our then 2 month old whilst I was battling PND on top of everything else. We've since reconciled after AP did not want to continue their relationship, I did so mainly so I didn't have to split my baby.

He also works with his best friend and AP, and was a big part in the affair in encouraging it and knew everything from both sides as he's been an AP many times.

OH's nan died in September. I felt awful but I could not have any sympathy for him, and struggled to be there for him due to what he put me through when my dad died. The funeral is on Monday, and I've found out that OH's best friend (who I've never met) is going to be there. I'm still extremely triggered by everything, I don't go out the house and the affair is still a conversation 6 months on daily. The funeral was going to be a big one for me, as the last one I went to was my dad's (2 days after DD) Now I've found out OH's best friend is going, I'm really toying with the idea of saying I don't want to go. I know I'm selfish but it's going to be too much for my mental health. I won't be able to smile and be amicable with a man who was part of causing so much pain, along with bringing memories back of my own dad.

OH's really dependant on me being there for support, but I don't know how I'm going to get through it. What would you do?

I wouldn't go. Tell your WH your reasons and leave it at that.

I would tell your husband that I can't go to the funeral because im still hurting from your betrayal and I don't want to see your friend.

I will tell your husband that I will still be there to help him after the funeral.

The fact that your OH is best friends with someone who encourage the affair and whom you have never even met is a big problem. I imagine that it's hard for you to basically ask him to choose between having you at the funeral and having his BFF there, but it's important for you to be honest with him about your feelings. He made this bed, he has to lie in it. If BFF had come to you and apologized and promised to keep your OH honest in the future, that might have avoided this situation, but instead your OH has never even introduced you to BFF. That's not right, and certainly not the way to behave if he's trying to reconcile with you.

One factor that killed R for me was the inability to be honest about my feelings with my WS. He often didn't take it well, and so I went back to managing his feelings at the expense of my own mental health. I would encourage you not to do this and to prioritize honesty, openness, and your own well-being, especially if you want R to work in the longer run.