Sometimes I can't forgive myself for my past cheating

Even though I'm in a stable marriage for 12 years now and we have fraternal twins, a boy and a girl (both are now 10 years old), sometimes I find a hard time forgiving myself for my past cheating.

My Story:
I've cheated on him way back in 2005. At the time we were dating (bf and gf) for a year. I was then 19 and he was 21. I started cheating on him with his then best friend Chris. It went on for 3 months until he caught us in his house. We were asleep on the couch. He was in tears, broke up and well I tried everything to win him back. I had little to no hope he would come back.
Then 2-3 months later, we started talking again. I felt so grateful to have him back, I felt like the most luckiest girl ever. I went to counseling with him, answered all his questions (no matter now repeated or hard they were), cancelled any girls night out, gave him access to my passwords, etc.

Our relationship got stronger between 2008-2009. Then he proposed by mid June 2009 (claimed all was forgiven and it wouldn't be brought back) and we got married in Jan 2010.

My issue is I can't help it but some days feel like absolute garbage for hurting him badly at the time. Other days I feel as if I got rewarded with little consequences for doing something terrible. I think it's a miracle it even progressed to marriage and kids. I never cheated again since (been trying to be the best gf/wife/mother of our kids, still making it up to him) but still, after what I did to him I didn't deserve it. He has already forgiven me but sometimes I can't forgive myself. Is this normal?

1 comment posted: Thursday, October 6th, 2022