Struggling. 10 months separated/divorce final.

I’m so glad I did it but I’m struggling because he still is doing the covert narcissist behaviors.
Everything is a competition. He hasn’t taken any accountability, plays victim- it’s my fault or "marriage problems".

His main modes of manipulation are pretending it’s 50/50 with parenting but the reality is I have them most of the time. It’s also that if I bring it up it will end up back in court or a fight where his main concern is his ego and how "he looks" not what the best interest of the kids is. Also it’s all about his pocketbook, his wants. I am paying waaay more in child rearing costs. Spending more time, effort, appointments, activities.

I love my kids. It’s never a chore but I get 0 recognition and a 50/50 court order slapped in my face if I ask for anything.

I don’t need "you should or go to your lawyer"
type advice I don’t have the finances or emotional bandwidth to do that.

Just anyone who has been in this position tell me it’s not all in vain. Tell me doing the best for my kids even if it placates my ex is the right thing to do.

1 comment posted: Monday, December 8th, 2025

I finally did it!

I finally left after almost 20 years.

Drugs, porn, infidelity, alcohol, avoidant behavior, breadcrumbs.

I’m not fully divorced but I’m freer than I’ve even been.

My friends see a difference, my kids. There is more to do but the things I have to put effort into will have a tangible impact on my life.

I’m not hanging around, waiting, pleading, trying to be seen, heard, loved.

"Working on myself" as a guise to find a way to accept the unhappiness in my marriage, as a way to blame myself. The work that I accomplished actually showed me I’m worth so much.

I have hope. My dreams are my own, I can make them happen.

I had to be ready though, no use fretting and regretting not doing it sooner. It’s done now.

I took my life back.

5 comments posted: Friday, March 21st, 2025

Alone but ok.

I’m on week 4 of officially deciding to divorce and giving WH the papers- which he is delaying signing but he’s on a work trip.

I’m relieved, empty, sad, scared, hopeful, anxious and at peace all at the same time.

I had therapy for the first time since this latest discovery yesterday and it put a lot into perspective for me.

I think after almost 20 years of this nonesense I am finally ready to put it to rest. As in, I am truly stepping forward with ending this marriage and going full force into healing myself.

I don’t think I did that that first betrayal (10 years ago) I think I expected him to recover, make it up to me and to find a way to stay together.

Now I know that is not truly possible. He’d have to put in so much work in such a monumental way and I’m not waiting around to see if that happens.

Trying to stay strong with no contact. I really want to move through this pain and find out who I am without this struggle in my life.

The start of this new beginning is painful, I know I need to just keep moving in the right direction and not let the pain derail me.

4 comments posted: Monday, February 10th, 2025

1st week of living alone

I’m still in my marital home, he moved out (it was mutual). I’m just getting used to all the little things. Coffee for one. No communication with him during the day.

I didn’t know what he was doing so the day to day, how are you? Have a good day. Love you. Was still there.

Other than "get used to it" what helped you move through this phase.

11 comments posted: Monday, February 3rd, 2025

Been here 9 years

I first signed up for this group 9 years ago. Here I am again and I’ve been in and out.

I’m ready to divorce. Went to lawyer, have papers. Hesitating to serve him.

There has been drug use, lots of porn and online infidelity he still denies "physical cheating".

Talk to me about positive outcomes of divorce. I hope I’m not making a terrible mistake.

7 comments posted: Friday, January 31st, 2025