Happily Married Wife Cheated... why?
Hello,
Found out about 6 weeks ago that my wife (f50) cheated on me (M47) twice in summer of 2024 and kept it a secret for almost a year. Found out from one of her friends (who had a falling out with her) who told me that she had cheated on me with a 24 year old man. Over the next week, as I asked a lot of questions, wife herself came clean about another cheating incident that happened 10 days before this one, in a different town. Both were during work trips where she stayed at a hotel overnight for multiple nights. Wife is now very remorseful and doing her best to save the marriage. Saying all the right things, attending multiple marriage counseling and individual counseling sessions to try and save our marriage. She has given me all her passwords, access to her phone and real-time location. She is also looking for a new job that does not require travel.
I just can't figure out why she would cheat. We have had some ups and downs, but our marriage was in a really good place in summer of 2024, at least from what I saw back then. Also, we have a 10-year-old daughter who we both love very much and would do anything for her. Wife had a huge drinking problem at that time and both times she was extremely drunk and even high on pot at one of the occasions. Some reasons she has stated so far that have come up in discussions are:
Feeling Old - Mortality
Thoughts about leaving me (very surprised by this), as I had gained weight and was not responding to her pleas to start taking care of my health. (I know I fucked up here and should have taken care of myself, but how about communicating how you are feeling clearly, instead of going and fucking other guys?? Not a valid reason to cheat in my opinion, well I suppose there is never a valid reason to cheat.)
Issue with new boss (She is in sales, travels for sales, and had just taken over a totally undeveloped territory. Also, her boss was an A-hole, and she was having a very tough time. She was looking or a new job at the time)
*Says she never planned on cheating and "It just happened". I have a very hard time believing this, but she is a very big flirt and combined with drinking, it is possible she got carried away. I think she knew exactly what she was doing, and did it anyway. Both times, she had numerous opportunities to stop, but did not.
*Therapist is saying that there has been so much past trauma (childhood and early years, before she met me) that is unresolved, causing her emotional instability. She has been suppressing this trauma all her life and it needs to be addressed... I don't know much about this phenomenon, but I suppose it is possible. She did have a very tough childhood and parent's home was always full of alcohol and drugs.
*Wife has stated that she was dealing with Pre-menopause, hormonal imbalance that were messing with her head
First incident was with the bartender (M39, muscular and good looking) of the hotel she was staying in. Work was usually from 6 AM to 11 AM, and apparently, she was at the bar drinking all day from about noon until 9 PM when bar closed. She was flirting with the bar tender, who was flirting back. When bar closed at 9, the bartender asked her if they can sit in the lobby and finish their drinks together, as he said the bar was closed. I think this was his way to getting her alone, as the lobby area where they sat was not visible to workers at front desk. That is where he approached her for a kiss, and she obliged. Soon after, she and bartender went to her room and had sex. He apparently left as soon as they were done (he probably had a woman at home waiting for him).
Second incident was 10 days later in a different town. She was out with work folks at a beachside restaurant. They all left around 10 PM, but she stayed for a nightcap... or she says. She met this young guy (M24 also muscular and a perfect 10) who started hitting on her and buying her shots. They apparently danced for a while at the bar (with him picking her up in air at one point) and eventually him and his three friends asked her if she wants to go with them to a beachside bonfire a short uber ride away. She went with them, and they smoked pot at the beach by the bonfire. This is where the 24 year old kissed her. I am sure she was sending him signals all night, during dance and pot smoking. They then took a cab ride to her hotel room, around midnight, making out during the ride. When they got out of the uber, he tried to yank her wedding ring of her finger, but she instead took it off herself and put it in her pocket. They made out in the elevator up to the room (this was always our thing in the past) and had sex with him rest of the night. Woke up as the sun was coming out as the guy was leaving but does not remember much of it at all as she was so drunk/high on pot.
Couple of days after both incidents, she sent messages to her best friends (4 of them) and telling them what she did. She sent them pictures of the first guy (bartender)and she had apparently made a video of the second guy (m24). It looked like the guy was laying in her bed and they had just finished having sex. He was stroking his cock but wasn't fully hard anymore. She was talking and laughing with him, but you could tell she was completely hammered. In her text messages to her friends couple of days later, she was bragging about fucking the 24-year-old.... the message included the video... I suppose it was an ego boost for her?... She says as she thought more about what she had done, she was very ashamed and realized she had spiraled out of control. She says she felt so guilty she could not look at herself in the mirror.
She stopped drinking after the second incident, which was amazing as she had tried to quit multiple times and spectacularly failed each time. She has been drinking since she was 13 and grew up with alcohol and drugs around her house. She says she wanted to change herself and not have this happen ever again, so she cut out boos completely. She even started taking us all to church. She started paying a lot more attention to me and showing me love over the last year. She now says that absence of alcohol has brought clarity to her mind, and she has realized how low she acted and will never hurt her family again. So, it does sound like her remorse was genuine and she has really tried to be a better person and wife over the last year. She swears on her daughter and dead father's grave that she will never cheat on me again.
Also, we have both been tested for STD since D-day and both are clean. She swears she used protection both times. We are in somewhat of a holding pattern, but I am proceeding towards reconciliation. We are both seeing IC and together we see a MC weekly.
My question is, why would a loving wife cheat on her husband? She calls me the "love of her life"...I can't get my head around the fact that this has happened to our marriage. I never imagined it was possible, especially as she was so against anyone who cheats because her mother cheated on her father... twice. She was a complete daddy's girl and never forgave her mom for cheating, so very surprised she did the same. Says she started seeing her mother in the mirror and it made her so ashamed and drove her to change herself. She is extremely remorseful, so I know she is very sorry for the pain she has caused me. I can tell she is genuinely sorry and wants to make it work. Says the pain she saw on my face when I found out was soul crushing and she never wants to hurt me again. I just can't figure out why she did it. Any folks out there who can shed light on what could have made my wife cheat? It can't be just the alcohol, although I know it played a significant role in it. Thanks for reading my long-winded story and for your feedback.
Update:
Thanks to everyone who has commented and given me advice. It is much appreciated and there is some very sound advice that was given. Here are answers to some of the common questions people have asked so far.
Q) Did she quit alcohol after I found out?
A) No, she started her efforts to quit alcohol about a week after the second incident. I noticed on a family trip that she did not order any alcoholic drinks and only sparkling water and unsweet tea. She did slip up a couple of times and got drunk, but got right back on the bandwagon and has been sober for about 9 months. D-Day was about 11 months into her alcohol recovery.
Q) Are her friends encouraging this behavior? How are they in their marriages? Did the friend who spilled the beans want to be with the AP and was jealous
A) All four of there friends involved lived in different cities. They are all good friends from the time they lived or worked together, but they do not hang out with us as we live about 10 hours away from all of them. Two live in the same city, and the other two live in different cities, all about 10 hours away. We do not share any circle of friends with these four. Also, the friend who spilled the beans, had a falling out with my wife about two months after the video was shared with her. She was dead set against what wife did and advice her to stop and get help. This friend has been in a two year relationship with her BF and is happy in the relationship. My wife and this friend's relationship took a dive over the next year, with her friend finally telling me what had happened. Two other friends were very surprised and had thought that we were in a good place in our marriage. They told her that she is "playing with fire" and needs to stop. Both of these friends are single, one is divorced for many years now, but still very good friends with her ex-husband (who is also our friend), and other has never been married. I know them well enough to know that they are not cheaters, but they do go out on dates and tell my wife about them. The fourth friend is a cheater herself, and celebrated my wife's cheating, and has been single for a while with 2 kids. I have told wife this woman is not acceptable as a friend going forward.
Q)Is your wife just regretful for getting caught or actually remorseful?
A) That is a questions I have asked myself many times since D-Day. Knowing what I do know about my wife over the last 12 years, I can tell you that she is remorseful. I know this may not sit well with some, given the fact that I had no idea she was cheating, but I can tell you with certainty that she is remorseful. She has told me that when she finally realized what she had become, she could not look at herself in the mirror. She saw herself as her mother, who she hated for cheating on her Dad. Also, given the fact that she had given up alcohol (well before I found out) and started pulling us to church (well before I found out) tells me that she wanted to change. Also, some might say that maybe she was afraid her friend would tell on her. The relationship with her friend did not hit boiling point until about two days before her friend told me. It was a message exchange in which my wife basically called this friend a "cun$" regarding an issue they were having with a blown up holiday plan they had together a few months ago. There was no communication between them since that event, but wife finally reached out to her to try and make peace, but ended up blowing up on her. The friend sent me video consequently siting that my wife had called her a "cun$" and this is the price she will pay for doing so.
Q) Has your wife had alcohol problems in the past?
A) She has been an alcoholic since she was a teenager. She has tried many times to quit, but has never been successful until she gave up alcohol about a year ago (11 months before D-Day)
Another edit:
Also, some people have asked me what I wish to do now. I really want to make it work and have some of what we used at the beginning of our relationship. Now, I know it will never ever be the same considering the cheating, but I am hoping it will get to a "good" place, where we can love and trust each other again. I know we both want that.
BUT,
I have no trust is her at this point. I am hoping this builds up over time. I know she genuinely wants to stay and make this work, I know she genuinely started making positive changes months before D-Day. I know alcohol was not the reason she cheated, but it did lower her inhibitions that allowed her to act on her desire. I suppose we all look at beautiful people and fantasize once in a while, especially when things are not going great in our lives, but we don't act out on it. I am learning that alcohol and being extremely drunk can give you enough of a nudge to cross that line. I am very happy that she is staying away from alcohol. I can tell when she has had even one drink as her voice changes. I know she had not indulged in boos in a months. All this gives me some hope that maybe one day we can recover to a very happy marriage, maybe even a stronger one.
On the communication and honesty front, we have never been as open to each other in as over the past month. We even started having sex again about a week ago. It was not planned, but I initiated it as we were just cuddling, watching TV together. It has been the best sex of our lives, even better than the "honeymoon phase" of a new relationship. I looked this up, and it is called "Hysterical Bonding". We are having sex 3-4 times a day, every day. I don't know if this is good or bad, but it seems to be getting us closer to each other, and along with the openness in communication this is giving me hope for the future.
The day after I posted my original post, we sat down and started talking (as we do everyday about the two cheating events), and she has finally started opening up to me about what was going on in her mind. She admitted to being attracted to the first guy (that's obvious) but also told me that she had inappropriate thoughts while she was at the bar. They were both hitting on each other pretty hard, and at some point during her time at the bar, she realized what is likely going to happen at the end of the night. She knew that she wanted to have sex with him, well before they sat in the lobby and he kissed her. I knew this all along in the back of my head. It was an obvious thing to me, but she kept saying she did not really plan it, and it "Just happened". I know there had to be some realization on her part that this would happen (while she was at the bar) before it actually did, and she finally admitted it. As hurtful as that is for me to accept, I already knew this in my mind. Her willingness to come out and say that to me shows me that she is trying her best to give me answers.
She told me same about the second incident. She was planning to just drink at the bar and leave, but the opportunity arose, and she gave in to her desires again. She said she was really flattered by a 24 year old hot buy hitting on her. Which is kind of idiotic in my opinion. You see a married woman alone at a bar, getting hammered around 11 PM, and when you approach her she shows interest, most single men in his right mind would take advantage. You would have to be pretty hideous for a man to reject an easy lay. How is this building up her ego? or making her feel young. I know it is thrilling and she finally admitted that is what she was after.
All this is extremely hurtful, and it is shallow on her part. She said this herself, that she acted very shallow and selfish, and feels extremely ashamed that she put her family at risk and has severely damaged our marriage. Silver lining, she realized this soon after the second one, and made changes in her life to make sure she never puts herself in the same position again. I think giving up boos is a huge step for her, and shows she is genuinely interested in saving our marriage and preventing further damage.
I know I am rambling, but just laying out my thought that are currently taking over my brain. Thanks for listening!
36 comments posted: Thursday, August 14th, 2025
