Am I in denial?

My husband and I have been together 15 years, married 8. 10 days ago I found out that whilst away on work trips in another country over a period of 5 years, he has occasionally been so drunk that he has ended up in compromised positions with women (including a one night stand) and downloaded dating apps. This is completely out of character- none of his friends have ever seen him act this way. I found out by seeing tinder gold on his paid subscriptions in his app store, and demanding to know everything.
He says its alcohol driven, but I am so confused why he hasn't stopped drinking if this is the cause. He's just kept putting himself in stupid situations.

We have had a very happy relationship and I honestly can't put what he's told me, and his character together- it just doesn't fit.

We have suffered family bereavement during this time, and I often told him I didn't think he had confronted any of the pain we'd been through, so I've been wondering if it's trauma related.

Whilst I've asked for space to grieve, he's booked himself in to individual therapy, told family and close friends for accountability and support, cancelled all work trips for the foreseeable, and spoken to his boss about reducing his hours.

I am utterly devastated. But also entirely confused. He's taking all the right steps by himself for accountability and healing... And I truly want him to get the help he needs. If we can understand how it got this way, am I in denial to hope we can reconcile?

11 comments posted: Monday, August 18th, 2025