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Brother. If you are still this conflicted then you need to seriously put yourself first for a change.

Set a date in your mind.

Put money aside in a secret account. Start doing the things you love. Hit the gym and get a 6 pack. Make time for the friends you've neglected. Reestablish family bonds.

When the date you've chosen gets close then execute a plan on how you're going to spend the rest of your life without her.

Good luck mate.

When Dday#2 hit, I finally grasped the true nature of the life I had been living. I discovered that it was a complete fiction. Because of the work I had done on myself from the previous year, I was in a position of strength finally. I gave my WW 6 months to change. Long story short, after the date passed, I asked her one question, a simple shit test and she failed, miserably. It was then that I accepted the simple truth, she was never going to change. This would be me life from now on, shackled to a corpse. So I stood up, told her we were divorcing and went to bed.

6 years later, I do not regret the decision. Yes, I grieved, I raged, I did all of those things we all do, but I finally had peace. I can't overstate the value of that peace. I hope you find yours.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 5:49 AM, Friday, March 7th]

I think others have stated it. You are stuck. You want something from your WW that she is not able to give. Either she is not willing or incapable. Let me explain. I think waywards fall into a few camps when confronted with the truth at D-Day. Two of the camps are possibilities for your WW.

The first one is, "I'm caught cake eating and I am pissed I can't do it anymore." They don't really want to leave, but they love the escapism of the affair. So they will be compliant, but not committed to being in a relationship. Honestly, you can't fix this. If this is the case, it is time to plan your departure from this situation. Life is too short to live in limbo wanting something from someone they are unwilling to give.

The second camp, is the wayward that has very low emotional intelligence. They can't help with R because they just don't have the tools. They don't have the language or ability to be vulnerable, and help in R. They can't get control or understand their own emotions, let alone help to heal you from the pain they caused. They likely suffered from emotional neglect or abuse as a child, and never learned how to empathize or even process their own feelings. My fWW grew up in a home that was almost emotionless (unless it was anger or the outcome of a football or basketball game) It fueled her desire to be accepted or adored. It was like an addiction. Building her emotional intelligence has been a hard road, but one that has made her much more fulfilled and a much better spouse and friend. IC, couples counseling, marriage encounter and lots of study has helped both of us.

BTW there are lots of types of waywards, this is only two of many reactions.

What camp does your WW fall into? Only you can figure that out. But you can't in the state you appear to be in. So you need to disconnect as much as possible, and work on strengthening you. That was the first way I could help my fWW. I had to be strong and solid in myself, and be prepared for divorce if that is what it took. At some point, she knew she had to do the work or I was kicking her out. Not leaving, kicking her to the curb, and exposing her to family, friends and the community. It was clear, I would take no prisoners. It was also clear that if she did the work, I was willing to help.

10 years down the road, we are great. We are planning retirement in 5 years, and looking forward to a great life. We are on the same page. But it took a ton of work.

Good luck.

I've been with my wife almost 40 yrs.

I found out she was cheating 7 1/2 yrs ago.

She did some work,more than many but less than I was looking for. It took me until last yr to figure out, stop waiting for her to change. Clearly she has done what she is willing to do and not do more.

I had to figure if this was acceptable to me.

I'm in my 60's, life is ok, not great, but could be worse I guess. So I decided now I'll focus more on my being happy, do things that make me happy. Stop expecting her to do more than she had done. Lowering my expectations helped, but ask yourself is this good enough?

I just wish I wouldn't have waited so many years expecting her to live up to my expectations.

Best of luck to you.

[This message edited by 78monte at 10:39 PM, Saturday, March 1st]

She is still texting the person in her work. I questioned that and she said "but he is gay". "He is no threat". But it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Yeah, this would never work for me. If you can't, in the wake of the affair, know their are certain things you can never do again for the safety of your spouse, then you are not serious about the marriage.

You want something from your WW that she is not able to give. Either she is not willing or incapable.

She is not willing; everyone is capable if they so choose.
She wants a marriage on her terms. Until you create your terms and then hold her accountable to them, she will always have you on her terms.
Plan this out. What are your terms? Put them on paper. If she isn't willing to give them to you, she is telling you with her actions she isn't into your marriage and isn't willing to give you what you need to heal and have a marriage.
LHAP?

There's isn't really any "later" here, you haven't even begun to heal. The adultery killed your old marriage, and the two of you haven't built a new one because you are the only one who is trying to address the barriers to doing so.

Your wife is losing patience? With what? The hurt you struggle to understand and heal that she inflicted on you on the first place? All the while piling on fresh injury by texting another man leading up to you know exactly what. You don't have a wife. You have an antagonistic toxic soup in a skinbag for a roommate.

The "sunk cost" logical fallacy is exactly that - a fallacy.

I believe you've been given some sage advice. One of the toughest lessons I learned was to stop trying to fix the M. You can do your heavy lifting, but the WS has to do theirs or you're left with nothing. My fww was never too keen on lifting the rug she swept everything under.
You need to decide what's best for you. That's not a conversation with her, that's thinking through it on your own. I believe that's the 2 to 5 year plan. In that amount of time, you should be able to develop a rational list of your needs and wants. If your WS has free reign to edit that list, then your needs are all just wants. I know this hurts, but if you want this to end, you need to draw a line in the sand and only negotiate what you don't "need". Unfortunately, if she can't give you what you need, then your choices are to D, or to live with her choices.

I will add that if your WS doesn't want to have a discussion for the sake of your emotional wellness, they are not your friend. If they need to be coerced it's not love.

I wish you peace as you work through this and I hope it all works out for the best very soon, whatever that looks like

She wants you to rugsweep so she won't feel as bad about what she did. It a lie she telling herself.

You can't make her pull her head out of the sand. But...you are under no obligation to put yours in it with her.

And she did it because she wanted to. She knows this deep down. She wants you to STFU about it so she won't feel as bad [if she does at all].

How you cope - you put one foot in front of the other. Her being along your side is ultimately your decision. But to me, just because she may be walking by your side doesn't mean she will be walking with you.

OP, I don't know if you are still following this thread.

I posted a short one off earlier and you haven't posted since then anyway. I was rereading your earlier posts and you said:

I feel weak and I feel stupid and sometimes. I feel like she is the one in control. I care more than she does and she works that to her advantage

You can fix this fairly easily by at least taking back what is within your control in this relationship. I'm not at all advising you use the affair as a cudgel in the relationship, but you need to stop caring more than her about your relationship. Invest in yourself first, not in the relationship. The relationship will flourish if you both want it. It may also die naturally if neither of you want it that badly...

But what you can do is decide to do at least one thing that you want to do, that you normally wouldn't because of the relationship.

Some options:

Boys night out or spa day (hey they aren't just for the ladies!). Tell your wife you are planning a boys night out/spa day. Give her the date (you should know your calendar well enough to choose a day that is not a legitimate conflict with other existing plans). Tell her you are going. Do not ask permission.

Toy or hobby. Buy something for yourself. Not something that will cause real financial pain, but big enough to notice. You know your budget better than me, but some options are: new computer, remote control car/plane/drone, golf clubs, fishing supplies. Tell her you deserve to pursue your hobbies. Do not ask permission.

Join a club. A slightly bigger version of both of the above. Could be sports, could be something else you enjoy. 2 or 3x a week is reasonable. Make sure it fits in your calendar before starting. Once again, you are not asking, you are telling.

This is an easy way to make your life better for you, and to take some power back. Send her a signal that you are going to do what you like to do now. It will pay off regardless of whether you R or D because you are doing something you enjoy.