SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Today is our Anniversary, I’ve never been a celebration kind of girl, we’ve never exchanged gifts or done anything special aside from go out for a dinner here and there over the years, I’ve always much preferred we spend our money on something else that we can enjoy as a family so I guess I’m not missing out on anything today but it still hurts.

Our therapist said I have to just sit, sit in the ashes now and start picking stuff out that I might need, things that didn’t completely burn.
Everything burnt there’s nothing left, I have nothing, even I burnt - there’s literally nothing left. I don’t know what people mean when they say things like this, I’m a very literal person just say it how it is and stop talking shit!.

I feel really funny at the moment, like I can’t believe I’ve been BSing myself for months, minimising, denying, bargaining and having full blown conversations with myself about my H A.
Every time I’d loop and loop back to the same, what the hell was it! What was that?!, it was an A Bruce, and you know you’re not going to settle until he’s admitted to it because that’s who you are. I even had to get him to admit why he lied to himself, I don’t know why I do this because it doesn’t make anything better, it’s just because I want to hear it.

I know I want to save my M, I still love my H, I love my family, my goal in life is still the same, I never want my boys to suffer the same fate as I did. I also know that I’ll be ok if for any reason this doesn’t work, let’s be honest weather I stay or go I still am in the shit and truthfully I don’t even care anymore either way I won’t die will I.

I listen to my music, I go for a drive with a coffee, sit in my garden with a tea, read read and read. My youngest has started to grind my gears, he’s always been demanding with my attention but lately I don’t have the patience for him, I’m literally bursting holding myself back from telling him I have zero interest in watching gaming videos.
I keep having this horrible dream, I’m terrified of spiders and this massive horrible spider is crawling up on to the bed beside me and I’m screaming for my husband to get it but he’s fast asleep and he doesn’t wake up.
I’ve fallen behind on the housework, i also have a list as long as my arm of things I need to do and everything feels overwhelming at the moment, my H and our therapist think I’m doing very well considering. I call BS.

I know, I know it takes 2-5 years but I really don’t like it here and there’s absolutely nothing making this bearable.

I’m as stubborn as a mule, I know people have suggested Dr’s and meds but I won’t do that, I have a brain disease and it’s stable I’m not rocking the boat.

Please can someone tell me everything is going to be ok.

I can't guarantee what the future will bring, but I'm pretty sure the way through the pain is to feel it, and I'm pretty sure you're describing pain that many of us go through.

It looks to me like you're giving up trying to control the outcome. That's a big step toward healing - and healing is an achievable goal. It doesn't mean everything will be good, but healing enables good stuff.

Remember: R takes 2. You can't do it alone.

Sisoon,

I had a really rough day yesterday, telling myself everything was over, ruined, broken, damaged.

I went for a drive parked up and just let everything out, I absolutely screamed and wailed, if anyone had seen me I’d have been committed to a lunatic asylum I’m sure of it, but boy did I feel better once it was out.

I still felt empty but then H came home from work and told me to tell him everything, I did and he calmed me with his words and I went off to bed content.

I feel like I have 2 personalities at the moment, it’s very distressing.

Thank you for your reply Sisoon.

I very much admire your taking the risk. I'm very confident that if the men in white coats came, you'd gave said, 'I'm dealing with some very difficult shit. Go away.' And they'd have gone away.

I'm very glad your H stepped up. If he keeps stepping up, that's very positive for R. All you'd have to do is decide what you want.

*****

Musing: I always knew my W had a dark side. I loved her nevertheless. She never understood that, and she still doesn't get that I lover her as she is. I chose R because I saw that she was committed to changing from betrayer to good partner, but I'd have loved as she was even if she didn't want to change. I just wouldn't have stayed M to her.

I very much admire your taking the risk. I'm very confident that if the men in white coats came, you'd gave said, 'I'm dealing with some very difficult shit. Go away.' And they'd have gone away.

I'm very glad your H stepped up. If he keeps stepping up, that's very positive for R. All you'd have to do is decide what you want.

*****

Musing: I always knew my W had a dark side. I loved her nevertheless. She never understood that, and she still doesn't get that I lover her as she is. I chose R because I saw that she was committed to changing from betrayer to good partner, but I'd have loved as she was even if she didn't want to change. I just wouldn't have stayed M to her.