SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, I have made plans for a financial/legal exit strategy already.

[This message edited by Niccola at 10:17 PM, Friday, August 15th]

I fully agree with all of you

[This message edited by Niccola at 10:18 PM, Friday, August 15th]

I hope part of your planning has included consulting a lawyer to find out what divorce looks like for you. Now, and twelve years from now. In some states the length of the marriage affects alimony.

If you’re going with the prison metaphor I’d hate to see someone do fourteen years of a self imposed sentence only to be released and find out they have to live in a halfway house and be on parole for the rest of their life.

Niccola,

Sorry you are here, I was in the same boat with 4 kids and I will tell you that your kids seeing you happy and healthy is the best gift you can give them. I was on the fence for quite a while and then saw Dr. Phil, when talking about kids, say, "It is better to be from a broken home than in one."

That is when I realized that I need to D. The kids were not seeing a loving couple (parents) and I did not want my kids growing up thinking that that is what marriage looked like. Also, I was miserable and my kids see me as a happy man now.

Don't get me wrong, not seeing the kids every night was terrible, but I leaned on friends and working out on those nights to keep me busy.

Don't think for a minute that there will be a new dad. There may be mom's boyfriend, but you fight to see your kids (I have 50% custody and coach their youth sports to see them more and drive to/from games/practices) and stay in contact as much as possible and I promise you, your daughter will know that you are her dad and nobody can replace you.

Best of luck!

Thank you both as well for the welcome and sharing your stories and advice.

[This message edited by Niccola at 10:18 PM, Friday, August 15th]

Niccola,

Sorry you're going through this and sorry that you didn't find this place 2 years ago when you first discovered your wife's affair.

If you don't mind can you fill in some details for us? It may help us in giving advice and support to you.

-How long have you and your WW been married?

-Reading between the lines... your daughter is around 6 years of age? So, she was 4 when you discovered the affair, correct?

-Who was the AP (Affair Partner)? Ex-boyfriend? Co-worker? Neighbor? Family Friend? Was the AP married or in a significant relationship? Was the OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) informed of the affair? Do you believe the AP got off scot-free after ruining your marriage perhaps resulting even more feelings of injustice that you feel? If co-worker, does he still work there?

-Are you confidant that your WW has been NC with her AP since the affair was discovered? Is she totally transparent with her electronic devices? Did she give you a written timeline of the affair?

-Besides your IC, who else was informed of your wife's affair? Family? Close Friends? HR at work? Do you have anyone else that can support you and allow you to talk about it and not charge you by the hour?

-Is your wife currently employed? Who is the main bread winner in the household?

-Have you consulted with a family law attorney about your situation and what a divorce would look like?

Sorry to pry, we don't need all the gory details but a bit of back story can help.

Obviously the big one to me is if you plan to white knuckle it until your daughter leaves for college, you may be hurting yourself financially much more depending on the divorce laws in your state. Many states award alimony or spousal support depending on the length of marriage and the income difference between spouses. So, if your WW is a SAHM and has been the entire length of your marriage not only will you be an emotional wreck after 12 more years but also looking at a financial wreck as well. Not only are you wasting your relatively younger years with a woman you no longer love and respect as a husband should, you may find yourself at a later date splitting up half your retirement accounts-- forcing you to work longer than you probably want to.

I know you want to eventually blind side your wife with a divorce. I totally understand and respect your feelings. I know your daughter is everything to you, as she should be.

You do know, while uncommon, fathers in every state in the US have been named as primary custodial parent of the children, right? And your wife has been cutting herself when she gets upset? There's an angle here... get a few VARs and hidden cameras in the common living areas at least to protect yourself and possibly to use for a later time...strategically...

[This message edited by NukeZombie at 8:02 PM, Friday, August 15th]

At least, this way I can control what is going on.

Nic, as gently as I can say this... you're not even in control of your own life right now. You're walking on egg shells, pretending to be okay, avoiding conflict, resigning yourself to a being a miserable door mat for years to come. This is the life your WW is choosing for you because she knows you won't leave no matter what she does.

Yes, I wish I would have found this place 2 years ago, but then again, I wasn't in a place to talk to anyone 2 years ago. I was just falling apart and wouldn't have been able to get a sentence out. I feel like I am just starting to wake up from a coma after a bad traffic accident.

I had to delete my previous posts guys to be safe, sorry about that. I will post again at a later time.

[This message edited by Niccola at 10:23 PM, Friday, August 15th]

I put up a facade and save whatever there is left to save of my daughter's childhood.

You're saying that you'll lie for 12 years? I understand the drive to stay together, but the cost is too high.

And you're planning to D just when your daughter enters college, training in a trade, or the workforce? That will traumatize her if you've succeeded in lying for 12 years. Right now, your daughter is getting mixed messages, and she's probably thinking she's crazy. Please don't do that to your child. Show her honesty.

Look, D is traumatic for kids. The sooner you do it, the sooner they can start to heal.

Your plan to stifle yourself for 12 years is even now crushing your soul. Choose honesty. Choose to confront your pain. Choose to heal. Learn to ask for what you want. It's difficult to learn, but immeasurably worthwhile. It may be that your WS will step up and give you what you want if you make the request plainly.

You deserve better than you're giving yourself. My reco is to get your ducks in a row and act, sooner rather than later.