SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This just sucks. Intrusive thoughts after 3 years. R isn't going badly it's just these constant thoughts. Last night I asked her if she stayed because she got caught. Her answer was a convincing "no" but my response was "how do I know that's true...I'm guessing you would have lied to some type of similar questions 14 years ago". She gave me a hug and said "This is where I want to be"...my response was "I wanted to be here all along"...ouch, that stung her I know. There were lots of tears from her and I had zero regret about saying it because it was the truth, plain and simple. Not once did I every question my commitment. This is one big shit sandwich that we all have to eat. I called for a psychiatric appointment today as IC has just not done it. I stare off into space at work. I have to stay constantly busy or thoughts start to fill the void. I want so badly to let his now wife know but I know that'll blow up in my face...as usual the BS has to be mature and not go there sometimes. In my case it's because kids, family, friends all don't know. We're getting there but I'm tired of faking smiles, faking laughs...I'm not even sure what happy feels like. It's honestly been 14 years since I think I've felt genuinely happy (Dday 1 was 14 years ago, DDay 2..finally admitting sex, was 3 years ago). My head ain't right and it needs help. For those out there feeling the same way, please get the help you need. Loneliness is not a good state to be in when you're going through this. I gets pretty dark..I hope you all find peace.

you’ve been heard.
Rant away.

I’m sorry you are struggling.

FWIW I was in your exact shoes and realized my H’s EA from decades ago was more than likely a PA. He refuses to admit and I have no proof but I’m certain I’m right.

I spent years in battle w/ him during his 4 year EA. Gaslit. Stonewalled. Refused to speak. No peace until contact finally ended.

To me I just don’t want to let HIS infidelity ruin my life. I know that sounds odd but life is short and I want to enjoy myself. I also know (as does my H) I could walk out the door tomorrow and be perfectly happy too.

I don’t know he can’t or won’t be honest about this, but that’s his problem. Do I see him the same? Definitely not You can not walk away untouched by a betrayal.

But you don’t have to let it ruin your life either. I hope you can turn this around and realize your life is NOT defined by your marriage.

Your happiness is your first priority. As is your mental health. So feel free to rant away or ho to one of those rooms and break something while shouting or throwing things.

We are here to support.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:51 AM, Saturday, August 23rd]

Just curious why not let OBS know?

Not worth the risk unfortunately. Highly likely he'd go to social media with a "burn the village" approach and let the whole world know. We've made a conscious decision to keep the kids out of it while we R. IF it came to D, then the cat would come out. AP sent a letter to my work, called me and then just sat silent on other end...he wouldn't hesitate to let the world know. I've chosen (said we, but really my choice I guess) to not take the route no matter how badly I'd like to.

Not worth the risk unfortunately. Highly likely he'd go to social media with a "burn the village" approach and let the whole world know. We've made a conscious decision to keep the kids out of it while we R. IF it came to D, then the cat would come out. AP sent a letter to my work, called me and then just sat silent on other end...he wouldn't hesitate to let the world know. I've chosen (said we, but really my choice I guess) to not take the route no matter how badly I'd like to.

What’s the big risk here? He’s the ass-hat, not you. You’re the one with integrity. He has none. Do you fear others laughing at you?

I think it’s really more about trying to deal with my own healing plus navigating the kids reaction. I can’t handle both. Should they know? Maybe, but I’d prefer it come from me.

I stare off into space at work. I have to stay constantly busy or thoughts start to fill the void.

One thing that helped me was to start doing meditation. The meditation app that I used had a 30-day "Learn Meditation" series that I completed. When I caught my attention wandering and staring into space, or my thoughts were spiraling, I could take some grounding breaths and gain focus.

I’m sorry, but I am going to point something out.

First, I was the uninformed OBS, and because I didn’t know what was going on- My kids absolutely already knew and I suspect yours know way more than you think- and AP actually did some real damage to my oldest son- and I lived almost 2 years of lies/gaslighting.

APs W divorced him because she discovered the A about 1 year ahead of me. She, much like AP and WW made a decision for me.

Which is what you are doing now. You’re scared of something, but not telling OBS is making you more miserable.

Have you considered that AP is holding it against you as a power move? Keep you in fear so you don’t tell to protect him, which is what you are doing. Once you tell OBS l? He loses his cards.

I strongly disagree with not telling OBS, and doing so is hurting both you and her

Tell the OBS everything you know. It's the honorable thing to do. Keeping their secret makes you an accomplice.

Don't be afraid.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 7:20 PM, Saturday, August 23rd]

It sounds like you are stuck. Like you made a deal with the devil in order to keep the lid on your emotions so that you can keep your family together. Depression is often the result of suppressed anger. I know that that is the case for me. Maybe you too? In my career I represented doctors and hospitals, mostly psychiatric facilities. I learned some things about treatment and I personally observed the before and afters. The right doctor and the right prescription can be of great help, maybe even miraculous. But it isn’t just about taking pills. You should expect to get a treatment plan that you and the therapist work out together. The first thing you’ll be asked to do is to state what the problems are that you want the treatments to address. Typically, you’ll start with a big overriding problem, like "I haven’t been truly happy since discovering my wife was unfaithful." Then you can break that down into sub-problems, like "I can’t concentrate at work." Or, "I am living with a secret that I know I need to let out but I don’t know how." Again, typically, the psychiatrist handles the meds and works with a psychologist or other therapist to develop and implement your treatment plan. There may be psychiatrists who still have couches and do talk therapy, but I would expect that part of treatment will be referred to a less expensive therapist.

On the subject of trauma, I was career military. Nothing I experienced was as severe as discovering my wife’s secret life. Not the way too early death of my father, not being called to the scene of a suicide by shotgun, not the multiple fatal aircraft accidents I investigated, not my wife’s cancer diagnosis, and not even my own cancer. I think you are doing so much better than you realize. You recognize that you need help and you are taking steps to get it. Godspeed to you and your recovery from infidelity.

Have you talked with your manager? A good manager will cut you slack for a while, if they can.

First of all thank you, you made me chuckle saying loudly join the club. We are in the same boat. It never ends I'm 10 years later, just posted it briefly in the general forum.

You're not alone, the thing my now ex always sat to me cheat was long ago that gets me to me feels like yesterday. They think it's a reset button and time and we good. It's not.

I read some other post here about someone who just found out (read it long ago) I burst laughing saying haha WELCOME I hear you loud and clear I'm 10 years later.

I only wish this betrayal is something that was never meant to happen to me. Sometimes I wish it was physical pain rather than this pain eating me inside out.

Sometimes I'm driving I suddenly punch myself in the chest, thinking while I'm in pain she probably telling other guy (take me from behind) or moaning and here I am crying by a traffic light punching myself.

I experienced something weird, at work I injured my hand little blood little , but I felt good I particularly enjoyed the feeling of touching over the wound as it heals and get rough. Then I felt if I got a slice nice cut then I'd enjoy the healing of it.

Just please hear me I'm never ever self harm person I never understood it either but now this was how I felt. I don't think that I will intentionly hurt myself.

I also wish that I die, I ask God that this happen but I'll never attempt suicide. I just want God to take me and make me rest.

She murdered me literally I think if there was justice such betrayal must be treated as a murder case. I even feel if she killed me it may have been easier.

What hurts is not the fall, or the trauma impact but what hurts most is that the hand that I trusted the most is the one that pushed me

Brother I wish you heal. I failed but I wish you success see my post in general you may relate to it.

We here for each other.

I'm on the tell OBS train. You see, after DDay1, I did not. For many of the reasons you listed and a slew of other ones. All that got me was an A that went underground and a mega shit ton more hurt and problems. After 1.5 years and another DDay I finally told. My hands shook so bad I had to dial the number multiple times. I threw up in the bushes afterward.

I gently guarantee you that more people know than you think. I gently suggest your children know something is amiss - and they are the ones that made them collateral damage in their sick twisted "fun" game. I gently tell you that they burned your village the day they crossed boundaries. You just didn't realize it.

If your WH gets mad at you for informing OBS - shame om HIM. You can't control what OBS posts (and if it true, it not illegal). You can't control what he does to burn the village (but again - gently - they already burned it, you just weren't aware). You can't control what OBS does - but if he dips one toe across the legal limits head directly to your local precinct, give them the story and let them advise.

I will also say that when you inform OBS, do not let anyone know you are doing this. They have a funny way of convincing you not to with various catastrophic scenarios that may arise. They also then have an opportunity to square up their stories to downplay/minimize/cover asses/etc.

And sadly, truth always comes out.

Your rant is righteous. And I feel your internal struggle. You are not alone.

I guess my issue with telling the OBS is: Is that part of my healing or does it just add to it (i.e. now my kids are upset when they find out, friendships may end, etc)? This feels very situation specific unlike other parts of healing and reconciling. Meaning, WS needs to be truthful, IC is a must, etc. Whereas telling the OBS feels like it really depends on the situation. If the cats out of the bag for the most part and she did not know...done deal no question. In my case I feel like I have to be the martyr for this part of the situation. I can't let them tear apart my family and friendships just so I can let the OBS know. I'm leaning towards letting them live their lie for now but I'm sure I'll flip flop 100 more times. My first IC was a hard no when I discussed with her and her reasons were entirely focused on me. What does telling the OBS help me with? She really challenged the motive of trying to "help" the OBS and asked: If you're doing for it any reason other than that (i.e. revenge) then she recommended not because it's not really healing ME and that's what she wanted me to focus on.