SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The key is to make changes to yourself, for yourself. Honestly.

Don’t do it to affect a change in her. Doing that is a manipulation, and at the core of every manipulation is a lie. You’ll know it, and she’ll see it and she’ll know it, and she’ll know that you’re just playing a game of lies.

When you make a change for yourself, excepting things as they are honestly, that will have the biggest effect on her.

Let me repeat that, the thing that you do that is not meant to have an effect on her, but just on yourself we have the biggest effect on her.

Agree 100%. That's why I suggested reading up on the 180. I may not have worded that reply as well as I should have, but the purpose of the 180 is to make changes to yourself, for yourself.

Hope you’ll ponder this locally-penned proverb:

"Never light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm".

That’s what you’re doing. You have every right to set yourself on fire, but as another referenced, you must accept the consequences of your choice - you’re going to be severely burned, the longer you insist on incinerating yourself, the more it’s going to hurt.

You’ve laid your boundary: no divorce, no matter what. There’s another locally-defined noun: You are smoking "hopium". It’s the mythical substance that convinces a person if they simply hope & wish hard enough their adulterous spouse will change, they will. The hard-earned crowd-sourced wisdom gained by many suffering through infidelity, delivers the actual truth: adulterous people never change without motivation to do so. In very rare cases, that motivation comes from within the offender. In some cases, allowing the offender to experience some of the natural consequences of their choices becomes a motivator for internal character change. Anecdotally, most never change much.

Do you think your wife is motivated in any way to change? If so, what is it? And do you think true change of mind leads to any impact on choices & actions?

I have no reason or evidence to suggest my wife has been unfaithful for the past 25 years. And I do believe that. My concern is her inability or unwillingness to be honest and consistent regarding what happened for the decade before, from weeks before our wedding day to 12 years after, when I came upon a love letter from her boyfriend. She wants so badly for me to accept her "mistake" and move on. Her primary defense mechanism is denial, and I am plagued by an obsessive personality. I love her more than ever, but her inability to be honest about her past is a painful sore that never heals. I truly believe that to overcome infidelity and move on, it takes honesty and transparency, something I yearn for but will likely never realize.

I truly believe that to overcome infidelity and move on, it takes honesty and transparency, something I yearn for but will likely never realize.

It absolutely does. What confidence do you have your wife will CHANGE to be an honest & transparent person? She’s categorically not been that your entire marriage.

But you’ve decided you’re staying no matter what. She knows that. So why on earth would your wife do the MASSIVE amount of work to change into such a person? She absolutely knows you’re not going anywhere, regardless of any action or inaction she does. So I ask again, why *should* she change, IN HER MIND?

[This message edited by gr8ful at 1:01 AM, Monday, September 8th]

Pogre

Agree 100%.

I was agreeing with you 100% , sorry if not clear. 🙂

I love her more than ever, but her inability to be honest about her past is a painful sore that never heals.

Bullshit on the never healing part. You have agency and you have actions you can take to move forward to your own healing without her doing what you think she needs to take to help your healing.

Stop hiding behind her actions to give you an excuse for why you aren’t moving forward. It is all on you 100%. You control your actions 100%. Accept responsibility and take action.

low tide

You wrote;

I have no reason or evidence to suggest my wife has been unfaithful for the past 25 years. And I do believe that.

Lets look at the definition of unfaithful. From Meriam Webster;

a : not adhering to vows, allegiance, or duty : DISLOYAL

b : not faithful to marriage vows

c : INACCURATE, UNTRUSTWORTHY

While i hear is that you do not think your wife has been unfaithful for your marriage beyond twelve years into it. In looking at the definition it seems to me that your wife is unfaithful in every way. You will not be able to cajole or plead your wife in to being faithful. That is her path. What is yours?

With the utmost respect on what you are experiencing…… as others have mentioned….. your WW (wandering wife) has no reason to stop the lying and continued gaslighting.

She knows she is in control and that you will NEVER divorce her.

How is that working for you, your mental and emotional health? You deserve so much better. She broke your marriage vows. You are not bound to them anymore.

It is not a sickness, but a calculated decision to deceive and dishonor you. Over and over and over.

You’re getting great advice here so far. As someone who has lived long years with a liar, I just have a question for you:

Are you saying that she ONLY lies to you about the affair years ago? Can you really say she doesn’t have a habit of lying about other things, big and small, throughout your relationship?

In my experience, someone who lives a secret life, someone who guards their reality so they can do what they choose without interference or hassle, someone who is conflict avoidant, doesn’t ONLY lie about one thing.

Your wife definitely sounds conflict avoidant. Those personalities lie to avoid anything that harshes their vibe: disagreement with something they want to do or have done, anyone that might try to convince them to do things differently, sometimes they just lie about having done something you asked them to do because they didn’t and don’t want to deal with you.

Are you saying your wife is meticulously honest except about the affair?

Okay, I lied—I have another question:

You say that your wife loves you and is your best friend.

How do you EXPERIENCE her undying, true love? I mean what ACTIONS on her part demonstrate that to you? You obviously do a lot of things to try to make her happy (It’s impossible to MAKE another person happy, BTW.). What does your wife DO to make you happy?

Does she know and anticipate what will make you happy?

Does she understand and try to meet your needs?

Does she put your happiness and comfort on the same level as her own?

Does she compromise when you disagree?

Any of that? Sometimes, when we’re in a relationship with someone we love, we assume that their love is equal and that they are experiencing the same level of caring and devotion. It’s why infidelity can destroy us so much—we thought they loved us like we loved them.

Okay, I’ll stop. Keep reading and keep thinking. It’s really hard to adjust to your world and marriage being completely different than you thought. It’s really devastating to discover that you don’t know your partner, that they are maybe not at all the person that you thought they were.

One step at a time.

It sounds like you are aware that it’s also highly conceivable that your wife may simply not remember details clearly from so long ago, rather than be deliberately lying. You say you have an obsessive personality. Might this be a case of sleeping dogs never being allowed to actually rest for 30 years, hence getting more and more jumbled and confused?

Have you two tried MC?