SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Listened to the audiobook and ordered a copy for WS not arrived.

Seems helpful. It's very frustrating to have to help WS "get it". She says she's scared to do the wrong thing. Next MC (with infidelity specialist is). I am torn between telling her what to do and telling her nothing. My job is to focus on healing which I am doing rigorously (grounding + journalling).

One thing I've come across (because I haven't made any sort of decision about the long term) is to write an "exit log" to capture every time I feel like leaving and a "partner accountability log" to capture when she does repair activities. This is to help me evaluate in the long-term what she has done and whether I feel it is sufficient.

However, I'm still within 90 days so I have no expectations for feeling better any time soon. The grounding / journalling is supposed to help so I'm just focusing on the routine.

One issue I really struggle with is "dead time" where my brain has nothing to focus on naturally. Then the rumination kicks in. I'm using podcasts, etc. to help with that and mediations / hypnosis stuff to help me sleep.

If you spell out everything you want the WS to do, you never truly know if they are just going through the motions of what’s expected of them so they don’t lose their lifestyle.
I would give her the book and then nothing else. Pay close attention to what she does from that point forward. That will tell you all you need to make a decision. Don’t rush yourself. Take however long it takes you.

I am torn between telling her what to do and telling her nothing.

My reco is to tell the MC just that. If the MC can't help you, maybe they're the wrong MC for you.

To me, honesty is the single most crucial element in R. Both partners need to be honest - even brutally honest - with themselves and each other. One of the ways that played out was that I asked for what I wanted and expected W to do the same. I did not expect my W to read my mind, and I didn't think I could read hers. I didn't even think that we could read each other's non-verbals ('body language'). A lot of honesty was necessary for us to recalibrate our reading of non-verbals.

I asked a lot of my W. She didn't have to say 'yes' to every one of them, but the ratio of 'yeses' to 'noes' was an indicator of how well we matched, bc we couldn't R unless we fit together pretty well.

So I'm for being explicit about what one wants.

But I knew I wanted R. I wasn't sure what I would do, but I knew what I wanted. IMO, one's thoughts are indicators of one's wants. IMO, to say nothing about what you want will hinder R - but maybe wanting to say nothing is an indicator that you really want D. The task is to figure out what you really want, whatever that is - and then to figure out how to get as close to it as possible.

I think your ideas of logging your thoughts will help you decide/figure out what you want. My reco is to log the times you have thoughts about wanting to stay as well as the thoughts about wanting to leave. Keeping track of your thoughts may be enlightening.

Thank you both. Sisoon's post feels right for me at the moment, while ohitsyou articulates a significant concern of mine.

Part of my a planned pproach is to tell her my pain / triggers / concerns and then put the onus on WS to try and solve for those (but we have to agree on the actions). Some things I will prescribe but others I am okay to collaborate on.

As sisoon says, her willingness to engage in my issues will help me. I have to say a big part of me wants R but not at any cost and right now I can't really see a path through the darkness but it's early days (day 55?).

If you spell out everything you want the WS to do, you never truly know if they are just going through the motions of what’s expected of them so they don’t lose their lifestyle.

That is a giant concern, or should be, for anyone contemplating R.

One of the difficulties in R is that it takes time to find out if it will work. It's probably easy to fake it for 6 months and probably much less easy to fake it for 2 years. Personally, I didn't think of myself as healed or R'ed for 3.5-4 years.

I think the only way to resolve the question is to monitor one's partner and oneself for evidence. My W hasn't lied since the day before d-day. (Revelation of the A came as we were waking up and talking before actually getting out of bed.) We've both said 'yes' to the vast majority of requests. We've both given and accepted support when we're down. We resolve disagreements amicably. Etc., etc., etc.

Consistent behavior over time is all we can rely on. But in any case, to R one has to accept the risk that one's partner may be faking it.

Sisoon - How do you feel about A now? How do you feel about WS and your relationship in general? I am terrified all this work will just leave me unhappy and resentful in my twilight years.

I think however for R to be successful that you look at A as a problem you had and worked through and nowthings are good, if not great.

I recognise that this is all very raw now and I feel better today than a month ago but still... I have my doubts. I guess you said it was 3-4 years for full healing.

Your WW’s repeated betrayals— over a thousand days since 2022—show a deep-rooted pattern and her preference for her boyfriend over you. Her emotional spirals and breakdowns feel like self-preservation, not genuine remorse. What’s fundamentally changed in her core, not just her words or actions, over these months? Her continued tie to the community, linked to her APs, suggests she’s not truly committed to change.

Her volatility—crying, isolating, then bouncing back to activities—points to avoidance, not change.