Well, that conversation went disastrously.
He basically said that me having to cut off friendships with people I like a little too much because infidelity is a possibility is an ick for him. Hurtful. His preference would be to have someone who doesn't experience temptation at all because they are content in their marriage. He seemed pretty unwilling to consider the possibility that sometimes people who are content in their marriages still experience temptation, whether or not they choose to talk about it or act on it.
I think it's hard for him to understand because his previous marriage was a deeply unhappy one, and so he attributes experiencing temptation and acting on it to that discontentedness. Whereas in his second marriage to me, he has been (up until recently) much happier, and believes that to be the reason why he hasn't experienced temptation on which to act... I told him I think that's due to the fact he's not a) seeking out interesting, attractive women with whom to interact for extended periods of time, such that any feelings can develop (as I wasn't, when my affair began), and b) interesting, attractive women are not approaching him with the intention of beginning relationships with him (whereas my AP approached me and sought me out for extended interactions... Of course, he took this as an insult-- "women aren't chasing after you!"-- instead of a statement of fact...) So his data for which he's basing this belief is very simple and limited.
If I'm understanding it correctly, his thought process is, "I've never felt tempted whenever I've been content in my marriage; therefore other people who are content in their marriage don't feel temptation either. Even if they do recognize that somebody is attractive, they don't feel such a strong pull towards them that there's even a possibility of infidelity because they have no desire for extramarital relationships." But I just couldn't seem to get through to him that this really isn't a thing. I told him I don't believe that there's anyone out there who, should they meet a gorgeous, compatible person with an extremely likable personality, and should spend enough time with that person, wouldn't begin to develop feelings and experience temptation, regardless of marital satisfaction. I was trying to explain that the beyond-platonic feelings grow the more time you spend with a person like that, and as they grow, so does the amount of temptation you feel, and that it's frustrating and sometimes even painful to subject yourself to interacting with that person when you're trying to remain loyal to your spouse... But I just don't think he can imagine that because he hasn't experienced it within a happy marriage.
And of course, in addition to saying I wasn't letting him have his "feelings" again, instead of applying the adjectives I used to describe this hypothetical, extremely tempting person, he took what I was saying to mean that I found my AP to be "gorgeous," which conflicts with what I told him before (the truth, being that I found him to be... definitely not my type, but sexually attractive because of the way we connected and how excited about me he seemed.) Having to try and go back and correct that misplaced application (which didn't fucking work, by the way; he just assumed I've been lying about how attractive I really found AP) was extremely triggering to me, with the multiple parallels to how my abusive stepdad would "communicate" with me, and I ended up storming off again. I had to go for a drive in order to settle down enough to feel sleepy, even though it was past midnight at that point. (Not the best choice, I know; but I couldn't stand to be in that house with him any longer. I figured he could see my location and movements, my Truelane app data as proof I wasn't using my phone while driving, and my call/text history, if me leaving like that made him anxious. I saved my dashcam footage as well, and we texted the entire time I was stopped, before I headed home. If he should still think I was doing anything nefarious during that drive after all that, I think we're just fucking doomed.)
I came back to bed only because there weren't any clean blankets about with which to cover myself on the couch. I laid there and cried my eyes out, feeling that I was never going to be enough for him. I just kept repeating in my head, "When?! When will I be good enough to be loved???" (I know that's related to my childhood trauma and resulting anxious attachment style as well, but I couldn't logic myself out of it in that moment.) He sleepily caressed my back, which I really didn't want, but eventually I managed to fall asleep. This morning we weren't talking with one another. I think we were both waiting to see if the other would initiate physical affection when he was heading out for work, but we did end up hugging at the insistence of our 4yo. ("Hug and kiss goodbye, because you love each other!") I am feeling afraid to let myself love him as deeply as I have because I'm convinced he doesn't feel the same way.
Today I have been working on fostering self-love and feeling good enough. I used an AI voice to record positive affirmations, and stored them on my phone to listen to when I need them... I feel like if they were in my own voice, they wouldn't work. I feel a little pathetic-- a bit like a dog using a clicker on myself. But hey, if it helps, it helps. I'm willing to try anything at this point. I feel so irretrievably broken.
