SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Clueless non BS's love to blame the victim (BS) for

1) causing the A

2) Not finding out about the A sooner

3) Not being able to "get over it" in a month or less.

So, I will like to get on top of a soap box and vent my throat out !

It's just bullsh*t that so many people think that infidelity is funny and should be laughed at . F*ck all the sitcoms and movies where the BS is portrayed as getting in the way of the WS and AP "true love".

F*ck the fact that is much more socially acceptable to not tell the BS. F*ck the fact the people who do tell often are seen as a "snitch " or someone who "stabbed the WS in the back" by clueless non BS's.

F*ck all the misconceptions that blame the BS for the A instead of the WS.

Here are the f*cken misconceptions.

Before the A

The BS must have done SOMETHING to make the WS consider cheating.

That something may be

1) Not enough sex

2) A nag

3) Cold

4) Unsupportive

5)ETC to infinity.

During the A

How can the BS not know that the A is going on ?

How can the BS not spot the signs of an A?

How can the BS not know that they are being lied to ?

After Dday

The BS is dumb for staying with the WS.

The BS is vindictive and unforgiving if they divorce.

It is the BS fault when the BS can't "get over it" within a month or less.

F+ck that sh!t.

All those damn social norms and misconceptions that just f*cken adds insult to injury to an already hurting BS !

*Dorothy goes to the bathroom sink and washes out her potty mouth with soap and water*

I do have a very good friend who married a serial cheater who cheated before & during the marriage. Horrific D and the BS suffered for years trying to end this marriage.

The BS became very successful and lives a good life. The cheater on the other hand is constantly trying to worm their way back into the BS’s life by using "the kids" as an excuse.

Fortunately most of the friend group sides w/ the BS and dropped the serial cheating spouse. And the cheater got exactly what they deserved.

Every so often the cheater ends up on the losing end. Like Brad Pitt. The Coldplay concert CEO & HR couple. A number of political candidates over the years ruined their careers by having affairs.

Fair vent Dorothy. Many things that I wish I had had the insight to realize and say to the exwh and his cadre of victim blamers and affair supporters.

Signed, the cold sex-withholding ex bs that didn’t just didn’t "get over it" and finally divorced his cheating self. Oh, also signed the bs who thinks "until it happens to you" when people talk this trash and who is pretty much gray rock with, and wishes wish (people who knew about the affair and failed to tell me or thought that exwh deserved to "just be happy" and he was just not "happy" I "made him cheat") a heaping steaming bag of what they dished out. I guess go ahead and add bitter to the list of adjectives about me. 😂

Yea… there is a lot I should have said that bubbles pretty close to the surface more often than I guess it should.

What soap did you use? I probably need to buy some before kissing my now Fiancé with "that mouth"

Let her rip Dorothy. The strange thing is, once you truly begin to learn the value you actually possess, you’ll learn that none of those social norms really matter and shouldn’t matter to you. It’s taken me a little over 4 years but I’ll be damned if I ever listen to anyone try to tell me one of the statements you listed. Once you begin to learn your true value, it becomes addictive and the growth and belief in your value grows exponentially. It’s true that people who survive infidelity and rebuild themselves become a juggernaut of strength and power. Believe in yourself and know what you possess inside is way more valuable than what anyone else thinks.

Go, Dorothy! I’m with you!

And as a recently divorced person with a serial cheater ex-husband, let me add:

F**k the people who believe anyone who is divorced is a pathetic loser. Good people are able to stay married, and those who D, well….

And f**k the fact that grief after D is not socially acceptable. I’ve had close friends lose their husband to tragic and too-early deaths. It’s horrific, but at least friends and family rally around them to provide support in the wake of their terrible losses.

Grieving the person you thought your spouse was before you discovered the cheating and divorced is not socially acceptable. You do it alone, no one’s heart goes out to you for your loss, and no one brings casseroles to your front door.

Infidelity, rape and losing a child is everyone’s worst nightmare.

What do people do to reassure themselves that such nightmares will never happen to them?

They victim blame. They assure themselves that this shit only happens to "other people", people not tending their gardens, not paying attention, not watching their children, not being careful enough, and that false reassurance makes them feel secure.

Stories about infidelity are titillating, they’re loaded with everything a good story requires: scandal, thought provocation, diverging opinions, sex, forbidden "love", an antagonist and protagonist, drama, plot twists and emotional involvement from the audience.

When actually, it’s just tragic, pathetic, irrational and mutually-collaterally destructive.

You know what else a good story requires? A happy ending. That’s where you come in.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:27 AM, Monday, October 20th]

If the WS (and their friends, supports, enablers, etc) can blame the BS for not enough sex, nagging, coldness, being unsupportive, etc, then surely the BS can blame all these behaviors on the WS right? "Like, maybe if you did what you were supposed to do around the house, I wouldn't have to nag you! Maybe if I wasn't so tired from picking up after you, I want to have sex! Etc. etc."

At the end of the day, everyone is responsible for their own behavior.

I will never understand the rationale of, "You're awful enough for me to cheat on you and make your life and the lives of our children a living hell, but you're not awful enough for me to divorce you."

Fortunately most of the friend group sides w/ the BS and dropped the serial cheating spouse. And the cheater got exactly what they deserved

Good to hear the cheater got why they deserved.

What soap did you use?

In my experience, Dove soap works the best on potty mouth.

Once you begin to learn your true value, it becomes addictive and the growth and belief in your value grows exponentially

Thanks for the words of wisdom.

F**k the people who believe anyone who is divorced is a pathetic loser

And f**k the fact that grief after D is not socially acceptable

F*ck em all. *Dorothy hi five her sister Arnold*

They victim blame. They assure themselves that this shit only happens to "other people", people not tending their gardens, not paying attention, not watching their children, not being careful enough, and that false reassurance makes them feel secure.

True that.

At the end of the day, everyone is responsible for their own behavior.

Tell them the way it is !

I am sure that I am biased here, but what I have noticed is that people themselves seem to be really hateful and unsupportive towards cheaters and infidelity. When my A was going on, I went online to post about my situation and feelings. I would say 99% of responses were angry, insults, wishes for karmic retribution (to put it kindly) and encouragement to confess. (I was, I think, trying to get my guilt to increase enough in order to outweigh what I felt like I was getting from the affair. I wish I had listened to them!) I have also been watching some YouTube videos where they go and expose cheaters, and all of the comments seem to be anti-cheating, pushing back against the wayward's outrage/blame of the BP, or anger that the BP wasn't actually informed. They are definitely very pro-divorce/dumping the WP, though.

I do think that there is a distinct lack of general knowledge about the severity and extent of the effects of infidelity on BPs, so many people think "It's not such a big deal" and that it doesn't take anywhere near the amount of time it actually does to recover from it. I didn't know myself until after my A, and found out from forums like these in addition to first hand experience with BH's reaction to it. You'll probably just have to forgive their ignorance in the matter, and/or help them be better informed.

I will definitely keep an eye out for examples in the media and which way those seem to lean, but if it's any consolation... I think a large part of society feels the same way about waywards and infidelity as we do here. You are right, and you are not alone!

Fuck the company line and the so called norms of Infidelity Dorthy123. There is nothing normal when it comes to infidelity and how each one of us responds to it. It's very easy to be an armchair quarterback when you've never played the game. It has taken me over 3 years to figure out this fucking mess called infidelity and I finally realized that in truth I had nothing to do with her choice and there was nothing I could have done or said to stop it. Those people that judge and put in their two cents about what you should have done or not done have never walked in your shoes and have no idea how infidelity cluster fucks your whole life for quite some time and for some, the rest of their life. I have learned that you can only control what you do and say and that you need to take care of yourself because no one person can solve all of your problems and eventually it comes back to you taking care of yourself first. Infidelity has many common motivations and stories behind it but it is unique to the people involved in it and the choices they will make because of it. Dorthy123 until they walk in our shoes their opinions don't carry much weight at all. Take care of yourself and this too will pass sooner or later.

Lost1313