SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please don’t crucify me - I know this life change affects women differently. I am just trying to understand my situation better. I strongly suspect that in my wife’s case the marriage’s problems were magnified by her changes, in addition to a friend/family support group that she chose to surround herself with which is heavily biased towards divorce. Has anyone dealt with bringing these issues up in marriage counseling? I wound like to raise these issues without nuking everything. Thank you all

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're joining us. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that have a lot of great information and we encourage new members to read. There are some other great posts that aren't pinned, so you may have to scroll to find them. They have a bull's eye icon. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and is another great resource.

Perimenopause may have had an influence, but it isn't an excuse. She could have done a ga-zillion other things, but she decided to cheat. If her friends are so Pro-D, why didn't she D you before cheating?

If you can, IC for you both. Once you're on your healing path, then MC might be helpful. Your M didn't cheat - your WW (wayward wife) did. There are some MCs that will shift part of the blame to you and you didn't cause your WW to cheat. She made that unilateral decision all on her own.

Your WW should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a nice blueprint for her. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

If you haven't been to your doctor already, you both should be tested for STDs/STIs. There are some nasty diseases out there. If you're having trouble eating, sleeping, or depression, talk to your doctor for some meds. They can help you through this rough patch. Healing is a marathon and not a sprint, so be sure to take care of yourself during this time.

Stringer, welcome to SI.

I agree with Lea, Perimenopause , didn't cause your wife to cheat.

Your wife chose to cheat.

Im sorry.

Sending safe virtual hugs.

Hang in there.

It didn't cause her to cheat, but it may affect how she responds.

I myself experienced almost zero issues. My oldest sister however became someone I didn't like for a while. :)

If I were you, I would leave that alone. Let her and her IC figure her stuff out.

Hello, Stringer234. Welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join. I'm sorry you've had to find us here and I'll do my best not to crucify you.

Marital issues have nothing at all to do with it. Right now, in the "General" forum, there's an on-going thread: "Does having a shitty marriage make it more understandable?"

Do NOT go to marriage counseling. Not yet, anyway. Perhaps one day, farther down the road, if you both are all-in on reconciliation. In general, marriage counselors are apt do more damage than good, because too few have been trained in betrayal trauma and lack personal experience.

Why would bringing up these issues "nuke everything?"

Hi Stinger,

Hormones, if it's a lot of them or lack of don't make a person cheat.
Their morals and character does.

I think try as we may to justify and search for reasons for our spouses actions those factors contribute very little at the end of the day to the choice they made, they may have used it to justify their actions but we should not. If your friends were all cheating on their partners would you have done it? If you were having issues hormonally, would you have done what she did?

I think bringing up concerns to who WW surrounds herself with during this time in MC is valid. But, I've not started MC yet and told my WH that I think we need a good bit of IC first before MC is even a consideration for now.

I'm sorry you're here and that this is happening.

I was in peri-menopause when my WS was in his A. Didn’t make me cheat,

It did affect my libido and my weight. His A partner was menopausal. It was her 8th affair on husband #3. Menopause didn’t make her cheat.

External forces like menopause, alcohol and drugs, and friends with loose morals can help cultivate a mood, but they don’t have mind control or anything else. In the end, there were dozens of choices the WS could have made, but they CHOSE to cheat. And chose to hide it. And chose to continue cheating. And chose to lie about it or to cover for it over and over again.

I agree let her and her IC work on that. And if she blames being peri, then she is not taking responsibility for her actions. HER actions.

Sorry you are going through this.

Stringer234, they tried to sell me something similar in the first and last,post Dday MC session. I lost control during the session, paid and left.

[This message edited by Littlepuppet at 5:32 PM, Wednesday, October 22nd]

Of course all sorts of hormonal changes (associated with perimenopause and menopause) can impact a person in varying ways.
We don’t know enough based on your single post to evaluate what you are asking about in relation to infidelity. Hormonal imbalance (can happen while the changes are going through) can cause mood-swings but I haven’t really heard or read anything that connects that to cheating.

What I do think is that there are periods in life where one might reflect on life, where you are and all that. Maybe even a sense of mortality. That might escalate or create a need for validation, and IMHO validation is the key-factor in infidelity.

Maybe that’s a more likely cause rather than a hormonal imbalance. A sense of aging, and needing validation that despite aging she is still sexy or vibrant or whatever else she sought outside the marriage.

Thanks all for your responses. She had mentioned perimenopause at various times leading up to my finding out about the affair and she has had hormonal issues throughout her life. WW is grudgingly participating in MC as, I suspect, her divorce fantasy ran into the reality that it will set us and the kids way back. Unfortunately I am the one really trying to hold the family together. I wanted to raise this as an exacerbating factor which may have made her view our pre-affair (solvable, IMO) problems to be much worse than they were. I expect her to not take kindly to probing on this and was hoping someone might have had some experience

I wanted to raise this as an exacerbating factor which may have made her view our pre-affair (solvable, IMO) problems to be much worse than they were.

She's the only one who can truly answer that question. You can ask. Whether she chooses to answer and how is up to her.

ETA: Take some time and visit "The Healing Library." In the "Articles" section, there are great essays, written by veteran members, a sort of "Surviving infidelity 101" course.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:43 PM, Wednesday, October 22nd]

I’m in perimenopause.

I don’t want to cheat on my H, even though he cheated on me.

Cheating is more of a morals, integrity and respect issue and not an hormonal issue.