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Reading in other posts I stumbled upon this that made me reflect that this is probably the biggest issue I never addressed

There's just no way I could ever even remotely believe I knew everything and I would always feel like second place

This hits the wound right to its core.

I felt pain reading this, which is unusual, I thought it was gone. I only feel those emotions again if I am intentionally revisiting those days.

Never had a trigger, this is the first time.

I can only try to name this wound, call the emotions associated and integrate them.

I was not chosen. I was not enough. I was replaceable.

Because at some points in time, she put someone else before me.

Because back then, I was second place. I was last while I always kept her first.

Because I was second place, I can never be first again.

She made her priorities adamant.
I can never be chosen by her.

I felt a deep shock in reading this simple sentence. And it is so clear.

I thought no pain could touch me again, but this did right now.

Can this ever go away?
It feels impossible in this moment.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:12 AM, Wednesday, February 11th]

I understand the pain of it all. You are just shattered that someone you love and trust can do this to you.

It is possible that you were "not chosen" during the affair but that has so many connotations to it.

First the cheater makes some poor decisions and very often "affairs down" meaning that the person they choose to have an affair is often "less than" the current spouse or partner. The chosen affair partner may be a person with a criminal background or addiction issues or have a life filled with problems or they aren’t as educated or are just desperate for any attention or relationship.

In my case she was much younger (20 years) than me. But heavyset and loved her body art (tattoos) which she proudly displayed. Her best feature (lol) in her mind was her boobs, which hung out of every shirt she owned. Also so her tattoos on her boobs, chest and neck could be displayed.

That is what I was being kicked to the curb for.

I wasn’t ever going to compete with her but I can tell you I was in much better shape, had a great career and was able to stand on my own two feet.

How did I reconcile that? Acceptance. And a sarcastic sense of humor helped me get through it.

My H absolutely put the OW first during his affair. Which made reconciliation very difficult. But I recognized that he didn’t cheat because of me — he cheated b/c he was UNHAPPY w/ himself.

And his affair was his way of "getting the happiness he deserved". Which is what I’m certain he told himself. So he found some desperate millenial drama Queen who told him what he wanted to hear and there you have it. An affair.

I guess the difference for me is that I chose to stay with him. Not that he decided to choose me. I chose to live my best life - and I am. It was not easy to get to this place and took years of pain and hard hard work to move past the affair.

But my H shows up every day and I can see he makes me a priority. I choose to live in the present and yes, there are days it just wallops me that we were on the verge of D due to his cheating.

But he’s not that guy anymore.

And hopefully neither is your spouse.

That’s what gets me through it. Positive attitude and not allowing myself to dwell on the past.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:01 PM, Wednesday, February 11th]

What the 1st Wife said!

I get it man. I understand how you feel. My situation is quite different, but the fact of the matter is that someone else was chosen over me for at least a short period of time and it hurts. It really does hurt.

I like TFW's perspective, and that's where I'm at now, too. I chose to stay with her. Despite her shitty choices, leaving was never part of her plan. We're still together because I choose it. If we were to end it would also be my choice.

Thank you all for understanding this.

I like the approach, I see her trying really hard (no matter all the shortcomings, I point them out and she addresses them).

I am over the pain, but did not expect this trigger.

I have never been "triggered". I saw her OMen, physically, intellectually, morally, even skill wise they are nothing. (my only comment to her when I saw was this "D. come on, your taste about men... you seriously compared me to these guys? It's insulting...").

Imagine you are with a woman like Angelina Jolie, and you cheat on her with a woman who looks like Danny De Vito. Logically seeing those guys should make me feel better about myself. Somehow it feels worse. Much worse.

No woman would believe she chose those guys over me, some of her friends told she must have been blind or crazy.

But she did, and somehow I cannot take this off.

I would like because I think is what keeps me from reconciliation, even if she puts up the work.

Is too deep inside me.

Having an affair is disgusting already. Being second place to men who are so below you wouldn't even dream of considering them "rivals" is somehow more painful.

My self worth and confidence is ingrained in me, I feel at home with anybody at any level, social, intellectual, mundane.

Healing made me discover I am not "unlovable", but I am kind of a social animal and highly regarded by others, people seek me out.

But whenever there I try a connection with my wife that comes back, hitting like a brick wall.

Unsure how to explain, I feel great outside, I feel great with people, I gathered in few months different social circles that count dozens of wonderful people and for the first time in my life I see people search for my time and attention, they share personal things, they give me trust. I feel finally connected.

Then there is her, with her pain, her desperation, her fears, I see she is in love with me, she has a crush like a teenager, she is putting me first in everything.

But then I accept her and suddenly I feel last. No matter how high she tries to place me, I feel below her OM trash.

And it is very painful

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 4:05 PM, Wednesday, February 11th]

In my case my wife chose a man who was 9 years younger than her, 13 years younger than me, was flirty fun charismatic, carried a gun and a badge. The thing that was really hard for me was when I was younger I had tested for years to become a police officer but never made it high enough on a list to be hired before they would throw out the list and start over again. Several times my wife had said she was happy that I never became a police officer and here she chose one as her AP :/

I remember talking to my brother early on and I said I cannot compete with him and my brother said stop. You never compete with anyone for any woman. Either you are what she wants or you're not but never ever compete for any woman. That helped me out immensely

These days I do think she puts me first but I will never again be able to believe it 100%.

I definitely stood where you are now, unsure if I could look beyond the sins and be properly appreciated in the M.

I feel like truth is always self-evident, whether we face it or not.

We are ALL replaceable.

If my M ended today, I would be fine — if it ended with the A — I would be fine.

The day I knew that I would heal and be good, with or without the M, with or without my wife’s validation was really when my healing started.

Of course, no one is as cool or fun as me, but in life, regardless of the tragedy (infidelity, substance abuse, domestic violence, disease, or even death), people move on.

Yeah, once upon a time, my wife turned away from me and my M.

In order to stay, we had to fully reset and see if there is a way back, where BOTH of us became the priority again.

After an A, a WS is just as concerned about becoming less and remaining less — which is similar for us — as a BS feels lesser, or invisible during the A.

A decade into my rebuild, I know two things — I am my wife’s priority again, and she is mine.

It took a long time to believe the work — 3-5 years of it before I think R had a real chance.

I also know, if it goes south, for whatever reason, I’ll be fine.

The AP has one thing we, as long term partners or spouses, don’t have.

They are new. They bring a level of excitement to the table. They are funnier (for now). They are exciting (for now). They are just not their spouse in a way that fools or tricks the cheater into believing they have "something special" together.

What makes it hard is that many cheaters believe the affair "is something" when it’s nothing more than 2 people lying to each other and pretending they are someone or something they are not.

But then I accept her and suddenly I feel last. No matter how high she tries to place me, I feel below her OM trash.

The only way to resolve this is in your own mind. But if this is how you feel years into R, then maybe you are one of those people who just cannot R and the affair really is the end of the marriage. It is possible that you are fighting against yourself to R. I know I was the first year. I had an internal struggle because I really wanted a D but I agreed to try to R. My very expensive but great counselor worked with me for a year to let go of the crazy thoughts I had swirling my brain and live in reality and the present. Not the past.

I feel you. I thought I was the chosen one, until I wasn't. Now, I am again for some reason. My H could've left me. He certainly had good reason to for many years after dday. I was absolutely horrible to him. He didn't. Every day, he chose to stay and deal with it, with me.

The thing is that the A doesn't have anything to do with the BP. It's all about the cheater and their character defects, weaknesses, etc. Everything that a person does is about themselves. It's not about anyone else.

I thought of something else. The A also isn't about the OP. There's nothing special about them except availability. I was told over and over my H's AP could've been anyone.

You weren't not chosen. The AP wasn't chosen. The WP chose themself.

I thought of something else. The A also isn't about the OP. There's nothing special about them except availability. I was told over and over my H's AP could've been anyone.

You weren't not chosen. The AP wasn't chosen. The WP chose themself.

My case is likely different, long distance relationship.

She chose her first Affair partner after 2,5 months of cheating and left me.

Then came back (dumped because she wanted a relationship)

Then a year later she chose her second affair partner, her "boss", . They start the affair later which lasted again 3 months, this time she was more careful before dumping me so when she got dumped again she still had the backup boyfriend (me). So she could keep it"hidden for 15 years, until dday 2 (last November).

She gave up affairs but not on cheating, she gave it up now because of how I healed, she knows she can’t keep me, so is her pick me dance now, she is aware how "prized" I am among her female social circle, she was just sure I will never let her down, because I am loyal.

Yes I recognize what you say, your waywards chose themselves.

Mine always chose another man whenever she was feeling she had me, that I gave myself fully to her.

She competed for me with other women, but she never seen me as real, I was "the trophy " not the partner.

That was reserved for other men, I only kept the slot as placeholder.
I could be the lover, not her man.

I was not chosen

I have done a lot of research on the why and how and the overwhelming opinion, at least for women who cheat, is that once they believe they have their partner 100% the proverbial thrill of the chase is gone. When she no longer feels like she has to "compete" something changes subconsciously in her mind and that's when she starts looking around. What she feels like no matter what she does you will be there, that seems to remove her barriers that should be in place in a committed relationship.

This is exactly how my wife was thinking IMO. After a few months she finally admitted that she thought if I found out I would just get mad, be upset for a few days, sweep it under the rug, move on, so all she had the risk was a few days of me being upset.

To her the thrill/excitement/dirty little secret/affair (reward) far outweighed the risk (me being upset). That told me what value my wife placed on my happiness and security

To her the thrill/excitement/dirty little secret/affair (reward) far outweighed the risk (me being upset). That told me what value my wife placed on my happiness and security

Let's see how she likes the new me and the new consequences.

Guess what, another DDay today.

I think I just got my Valentine's gift early.

Once again, this confirms it.

I was never chosen. I was not Enough. I was easily replaceable


She must really hated me since the day we met.
We are in the land of intentional evil here.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 2:31 PM, Thursday, February 12th]

BackFromTheStorm,

What is your relationship status now?

BackFromTheStorm,

What is your relationship status now?

We are still married, I prepared the divorce motion myself last week, I will check it with a lawyer.
I did it just in case.

Seems my instinct were not wrong after all.

I'm so sorry!

Everyone thinks their story is different in the beginning. Ultimately, it's not. Even with all that she's done, still none of it was about you. It is about her character defects, her weakness.

I was never chosen. I was not Enough. I was easily replaceable

You seem to be saying:

'I'd be OK now if (I thought) she chose me, and if she thought I was enough, and if she didn't replace me.'

That translates to, 'I'd be happy if she validated me.'

SI's message is: There is never enough external validation.

For BSes, the path to recovery includes learning to validate themself.

*****

One often reads on SI, 'You (the BS) are the prize.' That is an assertion that BSes need to value their strengths, accept that one is imperfect, etc., etc., etc., and above all value one's humanity. The BS needs to realize they are lovable, loving, and capable, no matter what anyone else may think of them.

In the end, that means that one's WS doesn't have to see the BS as the prize. The WS is fucked up; the WS therefore might not realize the BS is the prize.

The BS needs to realize they are the prize for their own emotional health. The BS's self-confidence may help the WS wake up, but that's not the objective of the BS's seeing themself as the prize. The objective id for the BS to realize their WS did not cheat because of the BS's failure - the WS cheated because of their own failures.

It's really important for BSes to avoid using their WS for validation after d-day. Remorseful WSes can provide support, but that's usable only if the BS is in - or has completed - the process of deciding to validate themself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:15 PM, Thursday, February 12th]

Sisoon you are right.

I am not questioning that, is not the search for external validation, there is no need for it, I have all what I need in me.

I am naming the wound, that's where the pain comes from.
It's a natural need that you love someone you want to feel chose, special, irreplaceable.

When you are betrayed those emotions gets shattered.
That's where the pain and the trauma comes from.

She chose a fantasy of another person, not the other person at all.

Affairs are fantasy. Vapor, not reality. She chose that.

I get the feeling of not being number one. And then I get bummed out that I can never, not ever, be as good as a fantasy.