SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm back... once again wishing I wasn't here posting about being a shit person. A 20-year-old ghost just appeared, and both my 19-year-old self and my present self are completely consumed by shame and remorse.

​I received a message from a woman asking if I had been intimate with her then-boyfriend, now-husband, two decades ago.

Goddammit..

​I chose to be completely honest and forthcoming. But in doing the right thing, I just exposed a 20-year lie to a woman who built her entire life on quicksand. Now, that quicksand is engulfing her. My heart is so heavy for her, and my stomach is in knots. It is a pain I would wish on no one.

​Years ago, when I was working through my recovery and making amends, I actually tried to find her for this exact reason. I wanted everything out in the light.. no surprises, no more lies, no stones unturned. I wanted to purge the secrets. But because it was a hookup from a decade prior, I didn't have enough information to track her down.

​It doesn't matter now; she knows.

​There is some relief in knowing that absolutely nothing is left hiding in the shadows anymore. But I am finding it incredibly difficult to cope with the gravity of the bomb I just dropped. It feels like D-Day all over again, and there is carnage everywhere. It is a gut-wrenching, heavy feeling.

I'm just trying to navigate the wreckage of a past I thought was long lost.

Hang in there ForeverLabeled, and be kind to yourself. I know the gut punch of realizing there’s a person out there with good reason to despise you and/or you are the reason her life is imploding. It sucks, but probably for a limited time, and it’s much better than the alternative (life of hiding, lying, and shame). Your 19year old self is not your current self even though you are to some extent still cleaning up her messes. I know you have developed good skills for tolerating the negative/uncomfortable emotions. I can’t remember if you are Christian, but if you are, there is a ton of reassurance and solid ground in knowing that you are under the wing of the truth, and you can pray for her.

You're not a shit person. Knock that shit off right now!

You told the truth and that, dear lady, is the best thing you could have possibly done.

I wish I had something else to say, something wise and wonderful. I'm sorry you have to work through these feelings of shame and remorse, again. You've been there and done that before, so I'm sure it's familiar ground, however terribly uncomfortable.

It was 20 years ago and I know how hard you've worked on yourself. You've grown, you've learned, you've changed, and you've been an inspiration to a great many people here, including me.

Be gentle with yourself.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 7:16 PM, Friday, May 15th]

Hiya Pippin, hiya Unhinged.

​Ah yes... be kind to myself. I haven't gotten there yet.

​Right now, I'm just consumed with the damage and the pain that is filling her heart today. I keep telling myself to breathe, but my body is flooded with adrenaline and my nervous system is completely shot. I want to crawl under a rock and I can only imagine how much worse she feels.

​I’m feeling in total crisis, overwhelmed, and panicked. I've chosen to stay open to her if she needs any further clarification, and waiting for that is all-consuming in its own right.

The shame is incredibly loud right now, and every tool I know feels entirely out of reach.

You gave her back her agency. That is a gift to her, even though she doesn’t see that yet.
She will in time.

We can’t undo what has been done, but we can go forward with honesty and compassion and empathy, and you are doing that. You are not your 19 year old self. You are doing better. You are better.

Feel regret, but also know that you are moving forward with integrity and kindness.

You did the right thing in giving her the truth. And it sounds like you have offered more info if she chooses.

Did you know that he was in a relationship? If so, did you acknowledge this to her?

Did you give a sincere apology? Did you offer that you tried to find her years ago?

I can only imagine your shame. I hope that giving her the truth helps a bit more in healing the 19yo and you today.

She came to you with a question and you answered honestly, and left the door open for further questions. She may have been scared before she asked, maybe she expected you to lie. You didn’t.

I am sure you are very different now to how you were at 19 (you have just demonstrated it).

You are living by your values. You answered honestly. She has agency now and maybe there is more to this than just that question. Maybe she had other suspicions and needed proof. Unless she told you her story honestly and openly (unlikely) then she may be devastated or appreciative of the evidence.

I just found something out about my cheaty spouse and it was a relief (awful information, I should have been devastated but I didn’t even cry) it felt like a weight had been lifted.

You did the right thing, thank you so much. Of course it will hurt. It is ugly. As a human get closer and closer to the light....as a human BECOMES more upright...the MORE they will hate and what they did and who they were in the darkness.

Let this only strengthen your resolve to be a promoter of loyalty, honesty, and faithfulness. ❤️🙏

IMO, to heal, one has to take responsibility for themself, and they have to be honest. That's exactly what you did.

Empathy for the BS is another plus for you.

And 19 year olds are not known for prudence. They're known for trying things out, even things that mature adults don't do.

Besides ... exactly how did this play out when you were 19? Did the guy have a choice at the time? Did you really use your feminine wiles to force him to give up his integrity? Or was he perhaps a full participant?

My guess is that OBS is going through hell on earth right now, and I'd bet that your answer shattered one of her significant illusions. Counter-intuitive it may be, but I think you helped her. I may be projecting here, but when I ask a question, I want an honest answer.

Sometimes, doing a right thing hurts - but not as much as doing a wrong thing.

You did well, IMO.

(((Foreverlabeled)))

When I joined SI in 2017, you were one of the first people to help me...and I needed so much help.

I'm so sorry that you're suffering today. You did the right thing and you're an example to all of us.

To me, you're an inspiration. She will suffer, but will be better off with the truth.

The flood of adrenaline has dissipated, yay, but it's left a very hollow feeling, ugh.

It feels selfish to say I was blind sighted by this revelation as that takes away from OBS, but I guess two things can be true at the same time. It feels selfish to say the irony is that I was living my best life to then be faced with the ugly past of my actions, when I know what is in store for her, the YEARS to come of not living her best life, I hate it.

Of course I told her I was sorry, I gave her every last detail (respectfully) and treated her how I would want to be treated. No bullshit, no excuses, just empathy and facts. No chance for her WH to TT, gaslight, or hide from her. Y'know?

I don't like dropping nukes, but I know the drill ... doesn't make it any easier.

CRAZY It's been 10 years since my own dday ... I haven't visited this in some time. I forgot how hard this shit is. Definitely triggered those feelings, it brought me back, that's for sure.

I'll be honest too; I sat with it for a hot minute; I almost talked myself out of getting involved at all. It was easy to say I was 19, it was 20 YEARS AGO, I'm not that person anymore, blah blah blah ... I went into self-preservation mode IMMEDIATELY. There was a lot of back and forth ... But the thing about doing the work is that if you do it and you do it right, you'll find it extremely hard to try and revert to someone who can go back to lying, denying, and hiding.

I did, at least, treat myself today. I'm typically good about that, ha!

Also, ever so thankful for SI. The support here never wavers. It's good to see some familiar "faces".