SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Even though I'm in a stable marriage for 12 years now and we have fraternal twins, a boy and a girl (both are now 10 years old), sometimes I find a hard time forgiving myself for my past cheating.

My Story:
I've cheated on him way back in 2005. At the time we were dating (bf and gf) for a year. I was then 19 and he was 21. I started cheating on him with his then best friend Chris. It went on for 3 months until he caught us in his house. We were asleep on the couch. He was in tears, broke up and well I tried everything to win him back. I had little to no hope he would come back.
Then 2-3 months later, we started talking again. I felt so grateful to have him back, I felt like the most luckiest girl ever. I went to counseling with him, answered all his questions (no matter now repeated or hard they were), cancelled any girls night out, gave him access to my passwords, etc.

Our relationship got stronger between 2008-2009. Then he proposed by mid June 2009 (claimed all was forgiven and it wouldn't be brought back) and we got married in Jan 2010.

My issue is I can't help it but some days feel like absolute garbage for hurting him badly at the time. Other days I feel as if I got rewarded with little consequences for doing something terrible. I think it's a miracle it even progressed to marriage and kids. I never cheated again since (been trying to be the best gf/wife/mother of our kids, still making it up to him) but still, after what I did to him I didn't deserve it. He has already forgiven me but sometimes I can't forgive myself. Is this normal?

First off...WELCOME to the BEST club you never wanted to be in .

I can't speak from a Wayward perspective...but we have ALL done things that we are not proud of. EVERYONE. You faced the consequences of your actions by having your then bf break it off.

The thing is...EVERY A is a dealbreaker. PERIOD. When that happens...we either have to make a NEW deal...or not. Y'all ended up making a NEW deal...and it seems like you have learned a hard but valuable lesson . For ME...I was married twice...and cheated on by BOTH of my H's. My 1st H did NOT learn...and continued cheating...so I went for D with him. My 2nd H DID learn...has changed his ways to become a SAFE partner for me...actually even BETTER than before his A...and we are happily in R.

The GREAT Maya Angelou has a beautiful quote that may help..."I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better." You NOW know better...and NOW is what counts .

One more thing. When I was deciding what I wanted my LIFE to look like after my H's A...I WANTED a happy and healthy M with a loving and faithful spouse. I told my H that if HE wanted that too...GREAT!! If not...then I would find someone who would!! My H fully AGREED to this...and we set out on a path to this life...TOGETHER . I don't WANT my H to feel guilt and shame every day...he wasn't much FUN when he was like that . I WANT my H to be carefree and happy in OUR life together . My H did this by telling me that from now on he was going to have an "attitude of gratitude" . He also told me that he was going to make it his life's mission to give me my "happily ever after"...just like in the fairytales . I told him THAT was never going to happen...OUR fairytale M was GONE the minute he had his A. I have learned to say Never say NEVER !!! We are LIVING our HAPPILY EVER AFTER...and it couldn't have happened unless we BOTH were ALL IN in this BEAUTIFUL M that WE have created...scars and all . Please don't give your H LESS than the BEST of you...and don't let HIM do that either. Y'all were given another chance...so GO FOR IT !!!