SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I will be married for 27 years this coming June. I found out she had an affair with a co worker a few weeks ago. It had been going on for a couple of weeks before I caught her. I haven't talked to anyone about it, and have been carrying this huge burden for the past few weeks by myself, so this might be a lengthy post. Before I get into it, there are some unique circumstances that are factors in how I've been handling my wife and the affair. We're currently still together and living together.

My wife suffered a severe head injury when she was a baby. This has left her with epilepsy (mostly under control with meds) and a very mild learning disability. She has always had difficulty with empathy, processing consequences, and abstract thinking. This is important because it presents some challenges and also explains some of her behavior leading to, after I found out about the affair, and her current attitude and remorse right now. It took more time than it should have for her to understand the gravity of the situation.

I do have hope that we can salvage our marriage, am convinced she wants to also, and that she's committed to never letting this happen again. She's taken full responsibility for her part, no longer blames me, and has spent a lot of time and effort trying to make up for it and convince me that she deeply regrets what happened. I know she still loves me, and I still love her, but I'm suffering a lot of trauma right now. I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts and images, and keep reliving d-day over and over.

First, my part in this. I had a mental breakdown several years ago. I withdrew from everyone, including my wife and son who is 26 years old and on his own now. I started taking an SSRI, which helped with my anxiety, but also made me very emotionally flat and disconnected. It also completely killed my sex drive. We had a loveless, sexless marriage for several years with no intimacy whatsoever. I pushed everyone away, fell into a deep depression, and stopped taking care of myself. She didn't have a husband. This went on for many years. Many marriages would have ended at that point, but she stuck it out with me. I'll always be grateful for that. All that said, I know, and she knows it's no excuse for Infidelity. I'm not allowing her to use it as a get out of jail free card, and she's not trying to. What she did was unforgivable and she knows and agrees with that.

When I discovered it, her actions that night were pretty devastating. I don't know how much detail I should go into. Her actions and words that night were downright cruel, but her actions and words are a complete 180 now that she's had time to process it all, and the challenges navigating her disability have made this very unique, difficult, and complicated. I suppose I'll start with where we are now.

She's showing genuine remorse and guilt over it. Crying a lot and asking forgiveness. Apologizing over and over. Accepting full responsibility. She's allowed me access to all of her devices and messages. She knows I know her pass code and she hasn't changed it. She leaves her tablet out in the open and isn't trying to hide anything anymore. At least to my knowledge, but I'm pretty convinced. Her disability makes her a pretty terrible liar, and she's pretty bad at deception. Otherwise I might not have discovered the affair to begin with. I knew something wasn't right almost immediately. She sent a no contact message to her AP and showed it to me. She's blocked his number and profile on her phone and socials. She now refers to him as a "dirtbag."

Oddly, despite it all, our intimacy and relationship has been rekindled. Well, that's not quite right. Something new has been kindled. Once we got past that first couple of weeks of grief, arguing and fighting, my first steps toward divorce, and in between my bouts of reliving d-day and intrusive thoughts, we're closer and more open than we have ever been. We're getting intimate daily now, after several years of no intimacy at all. We're spending a lot of time just talking. In ways we never did before. 5 hour long conversations with no distractions. No tv, no devices, just the 2 of us lying on the couch together. She's being very patient with me. Listening to me. Accepting my anger and grief and answering my many questions. She doesn't blame me or the marriage at all, despite the fact that it has been a rocky marriage and my breakdown. She appears to be very transparent now, tho she wasn't at first.

There's so much more to this complicated story, but this post is already getting pretty long. There are some pretty negative things that have happened since I discovered the affair, and a TON of red flags, but she's since admitted to a lot, and has put a lot of effort into being very transparent now and trying to make amends. She's saying and doing a lot of the right things right now. I'm obviously still very devastated, tho, having some major trust issues, PTSD-like symptoms, and wrestling with what to do and where to go next. 27 years is a long time and this has never happened before. I've told almost no one, and at that, I haven't told anyone everything, so I've been bearing this by myself for weeks now, so it's nice to have an outlet.

I'm open to advice and answering questions. I know... I KNOW everyone says this, I know they do, but we do have a very unique situation, and I believe we're going to be an exception to the general rule. I know for a fact that she does deeply regret this, and that she still deeply loves me. I did hurt her. I recognize that, and take ownership for it. I've apologized and made drastic changes. Like I said tho, I'm not allowing her to lean on that or use it as an excuse for having an affair. She accepts that, and is not using it as an excuse. She acknowledges it's no excuse. She acknowledges that she messed up badly and wishes she could take it back.

Oh, and as far as work goes, she works opposite shifts from the AP, and different departments, so avoiding him isn't too hard to do. She's been using an alternate exit and an alternate terminal to clock out. He arrives as she's leaving for the day, amd she's gone out of her way to avoid "dirtbag," as well as sending the no contact message.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you've had to find us. There are some posts pinned at the top of the forum we encourage new members read. There are some that aren't pinned but have bull's eye icons that are good. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and filled with lots of resources.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. The reliving dday and intrusive thoughts are the effects of betrayal trauma.

The rekindled romance is called hysterical bonding and can be nice while it lasts.

Both of you should be tested for STDs/STIs. There are some nasty diseases out there.

Your WW (wayward wife) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass.

Thank you for the quick reply. I'm familiar with "Not Just Friends" (haven't read it yet), have already tested for STDs (last week), and have read the pinned posts, tho not all of the bullseye posts yet, and looked through the healing library. I've done some homework, read other experiences, and have looked at a lot of stuff online about how to deal with this. As far as IC or any C goes, we don't have a ton of money for it. I've been navigating this on my own, and the added wrinkle of my wife's mild disability have made this pretty tough in getting her to understand just how devastating this is,tho I'm convinced it's finally sunk in. One upside to the disability is, she has a lot of trouble pulling off lies or deception. I'm very confident that I can tell when she's not being honest. I've already caught her trying to omit, hide things, some initial lies, and it took her a while to really understand the gravity of the situation and come completely clean. I'm now confident she finally has.

as far as work goes, she works opposite shifts from the AP, and different departments, so avoiding him isn't too hard to do.

Don’t settle for this. She needs to quit her job, where she met her AP, else you absolutely risk rekindling the adultery. This is not "punishment", as some might confusingly say. This is one of many natural consequences for her evil choices.

Insist she quit and insist she finds a new job.

I do appreciate you flagging hysterical bonding—it’s a real concern, and I’m worried our intimacy surge might be fear-driven, as we both fear loss. But it feels deeper, addresses her craving for closeness (affair’s root) after my years of SSRI and depression-driven disconnection. I stopped taking them a little over a year ago and have been coming out of my shell, but years of growing apart had become habit, so it's been a slow process. Her disability makes her remorse raw, and her actions—blocking him, new work exit, and transparency—seem intentional. We’re communicating openly, with hours-long talks. We're spending entire afternoons just talking with no distractions, no TV, and doing things together again. She's been home almost the entire time, and I know her whereabouts at all times now. Much of this feels like a wakeup call for both of us. Any tips to test if this intimacy is sustainable? Appreciate the insight.

God... I know this comes across as another disaster waiting to happen. I know the odds. I know it almost always inevitably happens again, but I really think we could be an outlier, and we're both committed to working through this.

Don’t settle for this. She needs to quit her job, where she met her AP, else you absolutely risk rekindling the adultery. This is not "punishment", as some might confusingly say. This is one of many natural consequences for her evil choices.

Insist she quit and insist she finds a new job.

It's not being used as a "punishment." Just a practicality. She would only see him during shift changes. She leaves at noon, he comes in at noon. I do all of the driving because she's currently restricted, so I drop her off and show up a few minutes early to pick her up. They're in separate departments in a huge building and do not actually come in contact or work together. Tho I agree with the wisdom and caution in your advice, it is possible for her to completely avoid him altogether by clocking in and out using an alternate terminal or her phone, which she's been doing. Quitting and finding another job isn't much of an option.

Thanks for the input tho—I hear you on the workplace risk, and I’m not dismissing it. Her opposite shifts and different departments, plus her choosing a new exit to avoid him, lower the chance of contact, but I know it’s not zero. Her disability makes job changes tough, and she is showing genuine remorse. That combined with blocking him, which is where they had almost all of their communications, and her transparency. I’m watching her actions closely, and she's not impeding or objecting at all. She wants me to watch closely. Any tips on reinforcing no-contact in a shared workplace without a job switch? Or ways to test if our intimacy is more than hysterical bonding? Appreciate the perspective, even the tough stuff.

Don’t settle for this. She needs to quit her job, where she met her AP, else you absolutely risk rekindling the adultery. This is not "punishment", as some might confusingly say. This is one of many natural consequences for her evil choices.

Insist she quit and insist she finds a new job.

Just talked to her about transferring to a new location, and without hesitation she collected the necessary paperwork, is filling it out, and will be turning it in first thing tomorrow morning. This is how she's been since finally turning the corner. No pushback, no excuses. Just a "whatever it takes" attitude. Things like this are what are giving me hope. She's expressing genuine remorse and a willingness to do whatever it takes to patch this up.

I still love my wife and am willing to work this out, but I'm also pretty traumatized, having some rough days, and lashing out here and there. Which I think is normal and understandable. She's not just putting up with it. She's understanding it, apologetic and doing her best to reassure. It's been pretty hard tho. I know hysterical bonding is a thing, and I'm not dismissing that either.