SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm 41 years old, and I've been with my wife for 22 years, married for 12. We'd been distant and arguing for the last 4-5 months. I discovered last week that she has been talking to another guy for the last 5 months. She has so far claimed it was just a friendship, a guy to cry to when I wasn't listening, that may have gone too far, she started having feelings for him, and admits he was clearly looking for more, and she was leaning in his direction when I found messages she had with her sister on her phone about him. So I confronted her, maybe a bit angry, as this is not the first time she's had an emotional affair, but this is the first that was this long, or her admitting any kind of feelings for him. Admittedly I'm terrible at expressing my emotions, but I manage to when given the chance. I just started therapy to try and help with that.
Since I found out my mind is racing with the worst possibilities, I can't sleep. Now I don't know what to do, she deleted the messages so i don't know how bad they really were, she said not that bad, but how do i believe her, we've yet to have a real discussion.
I can't imagine my life without her, we have an 8 yr old son together, I love my family, and I love my wife, probably more than I should. I know I want to make it work, but am I being ridiculous, she's the love of my life, how can I stop this cycle.

Ouch, that's rough. Sorry you found yourself here, and you'll find a lot of support among the members. Most of us have some story to tell and there's a lot of overlap. The common theme is that cheaters all follow the same playbook. So you'd be right not to trust your wife. The fact that she deleted everything should be your line in the sand. I would tell her "you broke my trust by lying to me every single day and hiding your affections to another man. You had so many opportunities to do the right thing, but you failed at that. And when you had a chance to clear the air about any misconceptions, you chose to delete the evidence. I no longer consider you to be a safe partner, and I will be keeping my distance from you to protect myself."

And then you ignore her in regards to anything but issues surrounding the house, finances, or kids.

The messages can be professionally recovered. Let her know tomorrow that recovering them is a condition for staying in the marriage in no uncertain terms.

Her reaction will tell you what you need to know anyways. A reconciliation candidate would run through a wall to help heal the abuse she’s put you through. One who protests, well, we all know the reasons that she would.

Also check her phone for side apps

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're going through this. Infidelity pain is the worst. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as some unpinned posts that are identifiable by their bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has lots of great resources.

Does your IC have experience with betrayal trauma? The mind racing and inability to sleep are affects of betrayal trauma on your brain. Be sure to discuss this with your therapist. If you think that you may need meds to help during this rough time.

Your WW (wayward wife) needs IC as well to work on her whys. She should read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. NJF has a really good chapter called Windows and Walls that goes over boundaries. For example, you should have windows (transparency) between the two of you. You build walls (boundaries or protections) with others outside of your relationship to help maintain the relationship between the two of you.

You may wish to set some boundaries, as she seems to repeat this awful behavior rather than trying to fix the underlying issues.

Sorry you're here.