SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry I meant Reconciliation! But can’t edit the title.

I can’t forgive, I’ve known that for a long time. But some say you can reconcile without forgiveness.

I may have asked this before. But even if I have time and my feelings have moved on.

What personality traits are needed by a BS to reconcile successfully?

I’m asking as I am not sure I have the required ones.

And maybe for others who are more forgiving than me, what traits are needed for forgiveness?

I know I dont have the correct personality traits for this in the case of my husband

[This message edited by Abcd89 at 10:08 AM, Wednesday, September 3rd]

Okay this is a tough question. But I’m going to try to give you an answer.

First I think you need to be aware of your dealbreakers. There are certain people where infidelity is not something they can recover from. No matter what. If that is you then I suggest you look at D as your only option.

Second I will be honest — prior to my H I was a "you cheat were done" person. But being married 25 years w/ kids made me realize it’s not always a black and white situation.

But I will be honest - reconciliation was very difficult the first year b/c I really did want to D.

Regarding personality traits (or actionable steps) that are needed to successfully reconcile, I would say the cheater has to:

Show remorse for the affair
Be willing to discuss it openly and honestly whenever it needs to be discussed
Be willing to make amends for a very long time (not just a few weeks of being in the doghouse)
Change behaviors such as keeping the phone locked or having secret conversations w/ others
Have empathy for the betrayed
Not blame the betrayed spouse for the affair
Own their actions and take responsibility for them
Be willing to get professional help to address the issues that caused the affair

It takes two people to happily reconcile. There is a good book by Linda MacDonald called How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. The cheater should read it (so should the betrayed).

The cheater needs to do everything possible to prove the betrayed is safe and the marriage is a top priority. Beyond that, the betrayed needs to heal themselves by knowing that they can weather this storm and still be happy choosing Reconciliation.

I think there are likely certain traits which facilitate the reconciliation process, but its a bit of two edged sword. You mention you can’t forgive. Obviously, that would typically be a deal breaker. Conversely, I think I forgive too easily and while Im definitely happy with my reconciliation I at the time (and on an ongoing basis) I had to eat a sh*t sandwich. The mind movies are with me during any moments of intimacy.

I don’t share too many of the details of my wife’s affair and while she never ever did anything purposely cruel or hurtful (beyond the obvious – her affair) its distressful and emasculating for me to regularly share. The feedback I get is mostly "you can’t stay in this marriage’ which isnt helpful to me.

I know empathy played a larger role in my forgiveness. After many late night conversations I was better able to understand what drove her actions.

Obviously, that ‘switch’ that people have when they go from being ‘in love’ to not being so never got flipped for me. I never stopped loving my wife.

A trait Im less proud of but I know also played a big role is insecurity. I could go on at length about this one but it also somewhat speaks for itself.

Obviously, that ‘switch’ that people have when they go from being ‘in love’ to not being so never got flipped for me. I never stopped loving my wife.

Same here. I do know however, that if my wife were anything but a model for sincere contrition and R I wouldn't still be here. I had made appointments with lawyers and real estate agents and was resigned to divorce because she struggled to go completely NC with her AP at first. That was completely unacceptable to me. I KNEW there was no way I could remain in a relationship with her if she tried to maintain one with him. Even if it was "just friends." Once that line has been crossed, there is no such thing as "just friends," imo.

My actions early on shocked her out of her fog, she dropped him like a hot rock, blocked him on everything and with one exception where he approached her, which she shut down and told me about, has been NC ever since.

So much of it was contingent on how my WW handled the situation for me. I was out. I was truly ready to end it. Her actions and contrition after I took steps in that direction are what changed my mind to try to R.

What personality traits are needed by a BS to reconcile successfully?

I'm The1stWife - one needs to know one's deal breakers. I'll add that one has to bring the deal breakers into awareness and decide if they hold true now that they are being tested.

Once you know, understand that you have no need to apologize. I'm all for R when both partners do the work - but neither BS nor WS are obligated to do the work.

If you know your deal breakers, the D/R choice gets a lot simpler - the WS is one one side or another of the boundaries.

IMO, human beings always focus on what they want and always choose what they think is the best way to get the best they out of any situation. So my reco is to look inside, and figure out what you want, even if you think it's unattainable. Then figure out what you can actually get.

IOW, you certainly can R and forgive IMO. Whether you use your abilities to forgive and R with your H, you have to make your choice.

*****

If you're so sure you can't R with or forgive your H, how come you're asking the questions you're asking?

I believe it's best to consider many options, but again, if you really want to dump your WS, you'll get a lot of support, perhaps even more than you'll get of you choose R.

*****

If your WS isn't remorseful and doesn't look like they'll ever be remorseful, R can't work, no matter how much you might want R.

Successful reconciliation can lead to divorce.
I think key factors and personality traits are being real and acceptance.

You need to keep it real in the sense that you realistically know healing won’t happen in a few minutes but takes years. Realistic in understanding that you can’t control your WS. Realistic in accepting that if they decide to keep on working with OP, or keep meeting with OM or whatever then you realistically need to accept that reconciliation won’t work.

You also need to accept that IF the WS does everything right and fully commits to reconciling, then you somehow need to accept that this person you decide is your spouse and you therefore want to love, respect and cherish is also the person that caused you all this damage. Accept that they decided to cheat. You need to accept that some new form of verifiable trust needs to replace the blind trust.

Basically – I think that everyone that claims to want reconciliation needs to understand how hard and delicate it really is, and accept that there is no guarantee it will work.

I think the smartest approach regardless of the specific situation is to default to divorce. From there they need to convince you otherwise.

** Member to Member **

IMO, defaults are mindless. Acting without thinking and feeling is probably the worst thing a BS can do, IMO. Acting mindfully is path to healing and to making good decisions.

People in high stress and first responder roles go through extended training so they know what to do in the various types of emergencies they may face. There's no training on what to do when one finds out one has been betrayed. I think it's very unwise to set a default when the decisions are likely to affect decades of the BS's life and the lives of people close to the BS.

It's 'Ready, aim, fire!', not 'Fire!'

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:38 PM, Wednesday, September 3rd]

I fell in love for the first time when I was 17yo, losing my virginity to a really adorable girl. A few months later, she slept with one of best friends. I chalked it all up to us being dumbass teenagers, forgave it all, and kept on dating her until high school was over and we all went our separate ways.

I swore that I would never, ever tolerate that shit again. Infidelity is a deal-breaker.

Thirty-one years later that tenet was my first thought. My marriage was over. Period. End of fucking story.

I couldn't find a way to break that tenet. I will not be married to a cheater.

On d-day, of course, it's not simple. Our son was barely 4yo at the time. We were struggling financially. And while I really, really wanted a divorce, I couldn't pull the trigger. I couldn't let her fucked-upedness blow up my son's life. Or mine.

A few years later, I felt reconciled... with her. She changed. She grew. She owned and fixed her shit (a lifetime project, according to her).

I wasn't reconciled with myself. When we finally separated, I started to find peace again, my smile, joy, fun...

I've never really thought about what character traits a person needs in order to successfully reconcile. I've certainly read pah-lenty of stories from people who have. You'd think it would be clear as crystal.

ETA: I forgave her, maybe five years out, for all of it. I didn't tell her that until after we were divorced.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 7:37 PM, Wednesday, September 3rd]

The number one trait is flexibility. You need to be able to decide that a betrayal you thought you wouldn't accept is something that you can. What I often refer to is working through "the loss of something integrity adjacent". If you are rigid in your beliefs, you will not be able to stay with a proven liar and cheater.

The ability to live with ambiguity and uncertainty. If you need a feeling of certainty and absolute commitment, you aren't going to get that. Your WS can work back to being a "safe" partner, but not one that was as safe as you thought before. I think that often our feelings of certainty are misplaced, but it's something people often desire. You need to be ok with "as long as we can hack it" instead of "until death do us part". Part of that is that you ought to give yourself permission to change your mind.

Resilience. You need to be able to absorb the impacts of the negative situation and come back to fully functioning. This is sort of about getting out of rumination. You can accept what has happened, move forward with a better strategy for next time, and know you did what you could before with the tools and beliefs you had at the time. This isn't quite the ability to "move on" but "move forward".

Assertiveness. You must communicate what changes you need from the WS. Yes, they should put in the effort to figure it out, but you just can't be a silent partner. WS has basically shown they don't respect you, and if you don't assert yourself the disrespect will continue.

This concept is probably the one I think about most when discussing infidelity. I have a lot to say on the topic, let me first outline some context before returning to the question at hand:

The online discourse on infidelity often feels like a broken record, boiling down to three main viewpoints that are constantly in opposition. These aren't just opinions; they reflect fundamental differences in how people approach relationships, morality, and self-worth.

Viewpoint 1: The Zero-Tolerance Stance. This perspective argues that cheating is an unforgivable act and that staying with a partner who has been unfaithful is a sign of low self-respect. The loudest voices in this camp often come from a place of personal revulsion and a desire to "save" the betrayed partner from what they see as a shameful decision. Unfortunately, this can sometimes lead to shaming and abuse, with people calling the victim a "doormat" or "cuck" in a misguided attempt to shock them into leaving the relationship.

Viewpoint 2: The Reconciliation-at-All-Costs Stance. This viewpoint prioritizes the preservation of the relationship and family unit, often driven by a belief that marriage is sacred, a shared history is invaluable, and people can change. While this position is more open to reconciliation, it can also lead to a reluctant or obligatory reunion, rather than a genuine, healthy one. This can be motivated by religious beliefs or sociological concerns about the impact of divorce on children.

Viewpoint 3: The Flexible Stance. This perspective moves away from strict principles and focuses on what is best for the individual. People in this group are less concerned with what others think or what they "should" do. Instead, they weigh the circumstances and decide what will lead to the best outcome for their own life. This flexibility and moral complexity are key traits for successful reconciliation, as it allows them to consider a path that others might view as a betrayal of principle.

Now to the point at hand, where do the role of individual Traits fit into all of this?

So, what determines which of these three camps a person falls into? It's not simply a matter of whether you can forgive. When reviewing this and discussing this at length with other members of the forum, it appears clear to me that the most defining characteristic seems to be one's principled flexibility.

While forgiveness can be developed, our core principles—the non-negotiable beliefs we hold—are far more rigid. People who align with Viewpoints 1 and 2 often have unwavering principles: either "cheating is an absolute dealbreaker" or "you must do everything to save a marriage." They struggle to deviate from this rigid stance, even if their situation calls for it.

In contrast, those who embody Viewpoint 3 possess a more fluid set of principles. They are capable of making a decision that might seem to contradict their values if it ultimately serves their best interest. They can live with themselves for "rewarding a betrayer" if it means they have a better life, are happier, or simply feel the relationship is worth fighting for.

It's impossible to perfectly analyze a person's traits to predict their response. We are all full of contradictions, and our self-perceptions don't always align with our actions. When faced with a real crisis, our previously held beliefs can go out the window, and we might surprise ourselves with how we react. The outliers being those with absolutely rigid principles. Circumstances won't move their position.

Even with this understanding, it's difficult to shake our own biases. For someone who doesn't possess that principled flexibility, the idea of reconciliation might always feel like a sign of weakness or a betrayal of self. This isn't a "correct" or "incorrect" view—it's a reflection of personal traits. Your own inclination to "wince" at the thought of reconciliation simply shows that your own principles lean toward a less flexible position. The inability to fully see things from the other side is a testament to how deeply ingrained these core traits truly are.

To reconcile you (both) have to be stubborn, principled, committed, and honest.

At the core is commitment to "for better or worse" and then recognizing that the worst "for worses" are internally generated in a marriage, not externally. Our own worst enemy, so to speak.

When the going gets tough…

DRSOOLERS

While forgiveness can be developed, our core principles—the non-negotiable beliefs we hold—are far more rigid.

There is zero doubt in my mind that if we were ever able to find the perfect human being here on planet earth, one of their attributes would be the ability to forgive.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I will read them all in detail later.

This0 - you ask about the need for absolute certainty etc. I think you are onto something (for me) here.

I understand why he did what he did. The flaws that allowed it. I never expected a perfect partner. I didn’t need a husband. I have a great career and am financially independent. Traits he has that, that others may not like, I accepted in him. I too have flaws. I was happy with his flaws or at least accepting of them. I thought we were a great couple and we are blessed with lovely children.

But I married him because I felt safe with him. I’m an adoptee. Now I don’t feel safe. The safety and reliability and dependability was what I was attracted to (in part) we have loads in common, always did fun things together. Music, theatre, camping, outdoor activities etc etc. Safety and belonging was what my adoptive family gave me in abundance. I feel loved and safe and at home. I married for that. I worked hard, built a home, security for our future. I would never have looked at someone else. I never, once, bad mouthed him to another person. It would have been disloyal. I Worked full time with very young children. Tried my best (not always good enough I get that). Tried new things. Happy to go anywhere. He has pulled that from me, burnt it to ashes and left me in the rubble. He was cruel to me. Put my security at risk. Took away informed consent. Put my children at risk. I then had a breakdown and was suicidal. Never in my life have I been suicidal. Despite my past.

I wanted someone to grow old with. To have a history with. To have memories with. To reflect and build a life with. To have photo albums with. To look after and be looked after. And he has destroyed it all.

I don’t ‘need’ him. I never did. I ensured I never needed anyone. I wanted choice. I chose him. My ability to pick may be tricky due to my background. I accept that. But so saw good in him )as do most others) and I chose to commit. For life.

Mentally and intellectually I can see why he did what he did. I believe people can change. I can forgive - I think my birth parents did the right thing and I hope they are happy and at peace with their choice. But the wiring that may have created in my brain has left me with loss as an issue. It’s a huge issue for me. Safety and security I have worked hard on all my life.

And he threw a grenade in. I made a massive decision while he was cheating - I didn’t know he was a lying cheat. If I had I may have done something different. He allowed me to make huge decisions that affect my ability to house our children (three decisions in total - all huge) despite thinking he was leaving for a lady in another continent and me having no clue at all.

Then he trickle truthed. And as the truth trickled out of him , my respect and love and belief in him trickled out of my heart and head.

As others have said the trickle truth is a killer. The EA I may have dealt with. The trickle truth, while promising honesty and trying to reconnect- that says a lot about a character. Poor behaviour.

So now here we are. I want to do the best by my children. I made them promises. I don’t want another relationship - I have never trusted a partner in the way I trusted and believed in him. I have asked him to do a few things - like ask for assistance on here but he hasn’t. He has done a fair bit but he won’t do this. Shame as I have found this helpful and I think it would have made a difference.

He struggles with confrontation and feeling like a bad person.

He’s a fool for throwing our marriage away.

[This message edited by Abcd89 at 3:53 PM, Thursday, September 4th]

And he’s a good liar. Clearly well practiced.