SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As to why she hadn’t before I asked, she said it was because I never had a Facebook,

She never really answered the FB question. Said she always kept her personal details private on FB because she didn't want random people messaging her.

She certainly has a plethora of "answers" about this matter.

My H does not have Facebook, never has. I do and my status is MARRIED; I just can't list his name.

And noting that she's married on FB will likely mean that less people would randomly message her. Of course, some don't care one way or the other and an occasional rando message will come in. Oh, and she can reject an Instant Message without opening it. No harm, no foul.

My point is, her "explanations" are horseshit. Just sayin'.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 5:36 PM, Friday, November 12th]

FWIW, I would NOT waste any time, effort, or energy trying to talk to the AP/OM.

What could he possibly say/do that would help YOU?

And I totally get it - I often wanted to speak to the POSOW of my WH's LTA. So what stops me? First - and prolly foremost - she's a friggin cheater! She felt it was ok to have an EA/PA, for a LONG time, with someone who was married with kids. So, what could she say that I would believe? What's the best case scenario - that she confirms things that my gut already tells me?

Maybe. But why would I trust some rando w/o integrity any more than I would trust my WS? Or myself? And what's the worst scenario? They fill my mind will all kinds of other hurtful stuff, and leave me WORSE than I was before.... or they get an ego boost (perhaps coupled with a dose of malice) bc they are living in our heads rent free... imagine how powerful that must feel to someone w/o integrity?

You want answers, and I get it. We all (or the majority) of us do. Those questions nag at us, eat at us. We ruminate. I still struggle with it - with the things I "know" in my gut that he gives bullshit answers about. And, I also know that if a WS isn't interested in changing FOR THEMSELF, isn't interested in honesty, isn't interested in "the work", there's not a damn thing I or you or anyone else can do about it. Those WS - who will say anything to get the discomfort about their choices to stop - are not R material. They will behave like a child whose been asked to clean their room: spend more time, effort, and energy trying to half-ass or get out of it than actually DOING it (like the kid who thinks he's sneaky by saying his clothes are all "put away" when in fact they are in a ball on the floor of the closet). The problem is they are not children - just behaving like one. I can't force my WH to value honesty, or integrity, any more than I can force him to clean up his room.

I really hope the IC helps.