SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been a long time since I visited this site. Couldn’t remember my old email and login from so long ago.

It’s been over 12 years since I found out my WW was having an affair with a co-worker. Looking back, of course, all the sign were there. Losing weight, new interests, , new clothes, secrecy with her phone, strange calls, etc.

At the time, WW was 39, I was 43 POSOM was 29.

She also said things that now seem so unbelievably cruel that I still don’t understand. She kept talking about “this guy at work” and how muscular he was, how he must be very well endowed based on the way his pants fit, how he had never been able to finish through oral with any of the women he had been with, and others. After everything came out about her affair she said none of it was true, that she was just trying to make me jealous.

The initial admission was that it was an EA only. We went to MC. She refused to leave work and continually got caught breaking NC.

Therapist totally bought in to her scam that there was no PA. I was adamant that there was. The therapist, at my wifes urging, put me on antidepressants. I kept begging her to quit her job and she wouldn’t, saying no PA had happened and the EA was over.

Finally 7 months later I put a monitoring program on her PC. Almost immediately found their goodbye email. They had just agreed to break off the PA. My WW made sure to mention he was awesome in bed and the best kisser ever and that she knew they would get back together someday.

I showed her the email and she got angry and wouldn’t speak to me for 3 days. Finally she admitted it. Sort of.

When pressed for details:

Had sex one time

He wore a condom

No oral or foreplay

She didn’t orgasm

Uh huh. Sure

She did quit her job and pledged no contact.

A few weeks later she contacted him by email. Basically “do you still like me”

This went on for quite some time. None of the emails ever mentioned meeting, some were my WW telling this POSOM that she had left me and was never happier? We had always stayed together so that was always a strange one.

There’s more, but it’s in the same vain as above. I stopped monitoring after about 3 years as there hadn’t been any communication between them in about a year.

Flash forward to today. She still visits the place the OM works, always with one of our kids with her. I find that so disrespectful.

In the past I’ve had triggering moments and bad days but this is something else. I’m suddenly infuriated by it all and I am angry but don’t know what to do.

We don’t talk about the A at all. Wife gets angry ( a true narcissist) at any mention of it and shuts down, says “it was xx years ago” and won’t speak for days.

Basically I sold my soul to keep the peace, not have to pay $ in a D and not be lonely.

Sorry this is jumbled and disjointed.

Not even sure what I’m looking for and thanks for reading.

Cjd, gently, why do you accept this treatment from her? Why do allow her to disrespect you by saying the OM is better than you? Why do you allow her to continue contact (yes, ANY contact is continued) by going to his place of work? She told you she will keep cheating on you with him. If you kept catching her reaching out to him through her phone and email, do you really think she wouldn't figure out another way to keep seeing and talking to him by going to his work? Get yourself into IC and find your integrity and self worth.

You must have an inordinate amount of constitution for this kind of punishment because no amount of money would be enough to keep me in your situation. I believe that's true of many here. Sharing your WW with OM also sounds like it's more lonely than actually being alone and not having to think about it.

nekonamida-

I don’t know. She told me that all that talk in their “breakup” letter was just to stroke his ego and let him down gently. Obviously a lie.

The problem is WW lies constantly about everything, trivial and important, large or small. It’s impossible to tell what is true and what isn’t true.

As an example she made this POS out to he some muscular superstar. He was not. I went to their work and literally chased him. When he realized who I was he took off, and I am not a big guy. That’s one of the only things I could ever use to hurt her was that her one true love at the time ran away from me. So why tell me he was more imposing then he was knowing I could always go see him? Constant lies.

Since the PA Dday, we’ve had many arguments that end in me bringing up the A and the chasing incident will usually make her pause. Not sorrow or guilt or a full truth telling, that doesn’t happen.

In a way, is she right? In that I have had 12 years and haven’t really forced a full accounting?

I’ve lived with it and tried to simply forget it. This time feels different.

After the nightmare with the MC, I’ve been unable to trust enough for IC. I did go back to the MC and showed them the email. They were shocked. WW is that good. Said I I should leave her right then and there.

So glad this is in General and not erroneously posted in Reconciliation....

What the living Hell has life done to you that you would somehow find staying with this monster, is anything but a walking death! I have a hard time believing it to tell the truth....you do know that YouTube can't read stories from here, go post that stuff on Reddit.

This has me in complete shock and there's a poster here from the Detroit area that is going to have a field day with this. Are you in an open relationship that went off the rails? (Like they all do...)

You need to man up, contact a lawyer and end this with full exposing. This is NOT this narc's first affair and it won't be her last. She has never loved you!

I almost wonder if you like being a martyr...

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 3:32 PM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

Man, I'm sorry CJD. NOt leaving your WW back then was a mistake. She loved the AP more than you, and it showed. You have buyers remorse and who can blame you. YOu were trying to keep it together for the kids and $, but those things eventually go away too. And you're stuck living this lie all these years. The fact that she gets defensive at all really pisses me off. I have no guidance, just wish you some peace at some point in the future.

some were my WW telling this POSOM that she had left me and was never happier? We had always stayed together so that was always a strange one.

Not strange at all.

She was testing the water. She probably figured he wouldn't consider being with her again, because he's scared of you,after you chased him. So she told him the two of you weren't together to see if he would start flirting with her again.

Another moron therapist. I swear this field is full of them

The problem you have is eventually you found out but rugswept anyway. That’s always comes back to haunt you.

You are living the life of a martyr. Sorry man but you get to take what comes with that. It’s a thankless job and no one gives a damn.

You are correct she’s being disrespectful and the reason is she knows you’ll take it.

You could read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf download and short but all the advice in the world will do you no good if you are afraid to use it.

Your wife going to see her former lover is abusing you. Don’t be surprised if the affair starts back up if it hasn’t already.

You are living this nightmare because you allow it.

Your wife is a typical lying cheater. Nothing special about Her at all.

Maybe it time you fully awakened.

In essence you are abusing yourself. Your wife is not the least bit remorseful and doesn’t give a damn about you.

Only you can fix this.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:20 PM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

CJD,

You wrote,Therapist totally bought in to her scam that there was no PA. I was adamant that there was. The therapist, at my wifes urging, put me on antidepressants.

So your WW is so manipulative that she convinced a health professional to drug you into submission. My God how disgusting. Imagine someone else telling you your story what would you say to them?

You health meant nothing to her.

Your WW has gradually made your life a type of hell, and you need to remove yourself from it, sorry this is not your fault, but your WW is convinced it is and has likely convinced you as well.

And of course your WW also lied to OM she lies to everyone. Also exaggerates her own importance and achievements no doubt, hence why she claimed OM was an adonis.

Did you expose OM to his SO?

This feeling will continue to reside deep within your bones if nothing changes. Accept this as your life or lift the rug, sweep the dirt out from within it and know that it's going to knock a hornet's nest off your home and piss them off. But in the end you'll be rid of some awful hornets that are just waiting for the opportunity to sting you.

I recommend you read "No More Nice Guy".

You're afraid of pissing her off when she should be crying and begging not to lose you.

You can only be treated that way if you let it.

You actually know the answers to all your doubts. And there are probably worse things that you don't even suspect.

I have no words for that idiot MC.

File for D and serve her.

I would have suggestions for R as well, but do you really want to do this to yourself?

The problem is WW lies constantly about everything, trivial and important, large or small. It’s impossible to tell what is true and what isn’t true.

The problem is not just that she lies. It's that you allow it by not standing up for yourself. Respectfully - YOU HAVE BEEN SHARING YOUR WIFE WITH POSOM FOR OVER A DECADE. If she's still seeing him at his work, she could easily still be sleeping with him. What would you do if you found proof positive that she was still with him? Would you finally put your foot down and say, "No more"? If not, that's a HUGE problem and honestly there isn't a person who can help you until you are ready to help yourself.

As an example she made this POS out to he some muscular superstar. He was not. I went to their work and literally chased him. When he realized who I was he took off, and I am not a big guy. That’s one of the only things I could ever use to hurt her was that her one true love at the time ran away from me. So why tell me he was more imposing then he was knowing I could always go see him?

To hurt you. To disrespect you. Just like when she said he was a better kisser. It's all made to make YOU feel bad. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. She's saying it to get a reaction out of you.

Are you the breadwinner? Is that why she keeps you around despite treating you like shit and openly dating OM in front of you?

Have you DNA tested your kids? Have you gotten a STD test? Do both and order a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. A good IC could really help you but if you just shrugged off a decade of cheating and gut wrenching disrespect from her, it doesn't sound like you want to be helped. It sounds like you want a magic cure to make you stop caring about whatever she's still got going on with him.

What you've been through is horrible. Many of us have felt that irresistible urge to cling to our WS. Reality has been ripped out from under us and we're trying to find safety in the one place that we thought would always provide that.

But at some point if a WS isn't remorseful, if they're not willing to do the things you need to allow you to start trusting again, why stay in it?

Money isn't a reason to stay miserable. Can you really say that you're not lonely living with this person that you really don't even know?

If you're not in IC you should find a therapist who understands that this kind of betrayal is a traumatic event. One who understands the nature of WSs and the games they play.

I was very much in the same boat initially. I could not imagine life without my WW. I had nobody else in the whole world. But I was very fortunate to find an IC who helped my find the strength to start setting boundaries and recognize that I could be happy again some day even without my WW.

It was only once I started standing up for myself that my WW started emerging from the fog.

Unfortunately once WW emerged from the fog and committed to R we both started going to her therapist for IC and MC - complete with shared blame, "why are you hung up on the sex?," and "you just need to get past that." The rug sweeping that she encouraged has me back here many years later.

But you don't have to spend another decade miserable. There are good therapists out there and excellent resources available here. You just need to have the will to stand up for yourself.

Then there's this.

Had sex one time

He wore a condom

No oral or foreplay

She didn’t orgasm

This is like Newton's Law of SI. For every thread bemoaning sex stereotypes there must be an equal and opposite thread confirming them.

In her mind, taking the emotion out of it should make it less horrible for you. In a man's mind it's no better that she would submit herself to him completely without regard to her own pleasure.

Of course, it's a lie. But the lies they make up are telling.

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 10:54 PM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

Ugh. Yours is a cautionary tale for what happens when a BS "wins" the "pick me dance"... and I'm sorry to hear it. I do know there are several new posters who I hope will find your thread and SEE that you can't have R on the WS's terms. The BS just never heals right because they're never sure that the WS has done the work and EARNED their way back into equal partnership within the marriage. Hell, most aren't even sure the WS is actually sorry for what they did.

The reaction from your WW isn't surprising either, where she "shuts down, says “it was xx years ago” and won’t speak for days". From the WS point of view, it's all water under the bridge. She's never grasped the seriousness of her offense, nor has she been forced to remediate the defects in her character which allowed cheating to be a choice. She's been in the cat bird seat all this time, deciding, based on her own faulty morality, what's best for everyone.

I don't know why, but it always seems like the BS becomes convinced that if they just knew everything, it would somehow fix what happened. But how could it? Let's say, it wasn't just once, it was 4 times, and that not only did she have an orgasm, it was the best orgasm she ever had. HOW does that repair the rugsweep?? I don't think it does. No matter what you find out, there could always be more. At a certain point, we just have to accept that we know enough to make our "stay or go" decision. And frankly, when a WS has been allowed to believe that they've accomplished enough toward R, how can we blame them for recalcitrance when we've allowed that dynamic to stand? It's faux forgiveness. We've let them believe for YEARS that they are forgiven when really they're not.

IMHO, as BS, we have a responsibility toward achieving healing when we decide to stay. The problem is that we don't always know how to go about it in a proactive way. Too many of us end up years and decades later feeling like you do.

I don't think an inquisition is going to help you at this point. I can't see how it would fix anything for you. Twelve years out, it's NOT to late to decide you don't like the person your WW has become and that you want a divorce. People don't need a smoking guy these days; they can leave for any reason. But, if you want R still, I think you're going to need to get back into therapy and find a way to clean the slate so that you can accept that this betrayal really happened and find a way to let it go. Personally, the word "forgiveness" makes me feel like I'm going to choke when I apply it to my fWH's betrayal. It sticks in my craw. Some things are unforgivable and what he did to me was unacceptable. I do, however, understand that some debts can never be repaid. So I made something of an accountant's trick out of it. I basically just totted up all his transgressions, applied all his hard work toward remediation of his character and reconciliation with me, and still found quite a balance left over. There's just no coin that can compensate us for pain, is there? So, I "wrote off" the remaining debt. It's a loss. I accept that loss. My books are balanced.

Anyway, that's my advice to you... either get back into counseling together and find a way to "balance your ledger" or divorce her and move on with your life. You've still got plenty of time to find some happiness.

It’s not to late to save your soul.

You didn’t want to divorce due to the money and being lonely...

You are probably already very alone.

Save that soul.

Based on the information you have provided I don't understand why you have not divorced this woman a long time ago. She is disgusting. You created your own hell by staying with her. You don't need more counseling you need a lawyer.

Not even sure what I’m looking for...

A whole timber yard full of 4 x 2's perhaps?

What were you looking for when you came to SI 12 years ago?

Did you post your story on here back then and if so what was the advice you received from those who had walked many miles in your shoes?

I'm sorry to appear so harsh buddy.

Sending you strength and best wishes for the future.

It’s never too late to change course.

Ask yourself WHAT benefits you have had from being married to a liar? A long term habitual liar for a spouse makes for some awful realizations on a regular basis.

Why she lies has nothing to do with you. I hope you know that.

The counselor who admitted the mistake told you to leave immediately b/c your wife is that skilled at deception. Instead you have spent your years being the marriage police.

If you are unhappy - do something about it. You are not obligated to stay married to a liar and cheater. D or S are options.

The human brain is an odd and deceitful organ. It can get the owner to believe things and feel things that normally they'd think were unacceptable.

It can give you feelings and emotional reactions you would find abhorrent, IF you were in right mind.

But, alas, you aren't.

My FORMER AND NOW EX (THANK THE LORD ABOVE) WW had me feeding off the "HOT WIFE" aspects of her affairs (YES, AFFAIRS, SIX, always married men too). I was so tortured and twisted around that I was getting such a wrong message. It took me more than a dozen years to finally get my head on straight, talk myself out of being totally mentally and physically abused and get my life back.

CJ, you HAVE to, by all that is holy and right, GET AWAY FROM HER. Nothing is worth your kind of life, not children, not perceived emotions, not anything.

JUST GET AWAY

[This message edited by katmandude54 at 9:10 AM, July 10th (Saturday)]

You gave the answer yourself, in the last part of the first post here. You are with her only so as not to be alone and not to have financial troubles ... You will have much worse if you do not put your dignity as a man first.