SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Had to delete this for safety, sorry guys.

[This message edited by Niccola at 10:19 PM, Friday, August 15th]

I am sorry you are struggling. I hope you will get some advice that will help you here.

First I see you are very concerned about your child. And most of us betrayed spouses/partners with children are in the same boat - we tend to put the kids first.

Second it sounds as though your cheating spouse may have swept this "affair thing" under the rug and doesn’t really talk about it. It sounds as though the Cheater is blissfully unaware of how you feel.

Third, sometimes you cannot reconcile this without professional help.

I strongly suggest you seek some professional counseling for yourself. Not marriage counseling but individual therapy that will help you heal from this trauma. And it is a trauma being betrayed by the one person you thought would never behave that way.

You may want to consider as your child gets older if they Will sense you are unhappy. Kids pick up on things we (adults) try to hide.

You can have a good co-parenting relationship if that is important to you. You can figure out how to make it work. You can be reasonable as much as possible.

As far as your child having a new dad, that is a possibility. But you don’t know if your child will even consider that person a "dad" or just mom’s husband. And if two people want to be there for a kid, that’s not a bad thing. But again, it’s a maybe. It’s not for certain it will happen.

You deserve to be happy. I too was once in your same boat. I’m not D my lying cheating H b/c of the kids. Until one day about 6 months after dday2 of affair 2 I snapped. I had enough. I couldn’t live like this anymore and told him I had no other choice but to D him. I was just going to have to do my best as a parent because my kids deserved the best me - not a wishy washy crying all the time excuse for a parent.

I’m not saying you are not a good parent. I’m saying you are impacted by a situation that is robbing you of some happiness and joy in certain areas if your life. And that could impact your child in some way.

I hope this helps you.

He brother! I am so sorry you are going through this. I am freshly off D-day (about 6 weeks) and fell like I will never get over it. We are reconciling. Here is my story if you want to refer to it: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/666004/happily-married-wife-cheated-why/

I am in the same boat. She cheated last summer and I just found out recently, but the last six weeks have been hell. We also have a 10 year old daughter, and I absolutely do not want to break up her family. I go thorough the same roller coaster every day, hoping it will eventually go away, but fell like it never will. Wife is doing much better than I am, so it seems like a common theme if the cheating happened a long time ago, especially if wife has made significant changes to avoid this from happening again. Maybe that is why my wife feels like she have gone through the grieving process and made appropriate changes, and she feels like she has made her peace with God. Maybe your wife is in similar situation.

I highly suggest IC and MC for you. That has helped a bit, and I believe in the long run it will be good for us. Please look into it, and stay strong.

Dear Niccola....this is everybody's dilemma. Some people know automatically what they want to do....or they think so....and then it happens. Some know they will go right for divorce and some will try to reconcile and rebuild. NEITHER IS RIGHT OR WRONG. It's what you really want to do in your heart and are able to do and you have to be honest with yourself. Often times it is not possible to recover from infidelity to really have a "marriage" again....it's just roommates with or without benefits. Other people recover somewhat but they never view their spouse or their marriage the same way again - I'm in that boat. All the romance, romantic feeling....gone. Never returned. No sexual interest on my part again. I'm fond of him, I love him as a person, I'm grateful for his presence but it's not a romance. That's okay with me. I'm old and have health problems anyway so no one's gonna pick up my glass slipper. This is okay for me. It might be okay for a lot of people (I think it is) but everyone has to make that decision from their heart, themselves. Some folks are able to make a new marriage but it really IS a new marriage - not just a continuation of the old one. And triggers never go away 100% although they do diminish, sometimes greatly, over the years.

I think what might help you is greater clarity about how you feel and think and what your values are and what you want out of this - or any relationship. That might be through counseling and I would advise talking to a lawyer. Not only to see what divorce would look like for you in all its ramifications, but if you do decide to stay married, what kinds of effective legal boundaries you might put on a future divorce if you want one, for example if she cheated again. Knowledge is power.

Speaking of power, who has the POWER in your relationship? Is it equal or does your spouse hold all the cards? Can you be the prize that must be won again, or are you afraid to assert yourself that she would leave and take your child? I think it's perfectly okay to want to stay for your children, I don't demean that at all and there are things that are inevitably lost in divorce. I would also not want someone else raising or influencing my kids especially an AP (I don't have any kids actually). I support your feelings in this and to me, staying for the kids IS a valid reason for staying together. So is money, health, property - whatever is valid and important to you. BUT....I think you have to have some kind of limits, boundaries, lines you won't go past or your spouse is just gonna still think of you as a doormat even if they don't act on it. You have to feel that your spouse truly wants YOU and that they RESPECT YOU. I think respect is essential - I demand it in my relationship and I'm very clear about that with my spouse. We treat those we respect even better than those we just have affection or even desire for. Respect is about how we project ourselves and also about what others see in us, especially what they admire and look up to. You might think about the topic of respect in yourself and your relationship, particularly in counseling. We try to live up to those we respect as they inherently seem to demand more and better of us.

This is gonna take a lot of thought, reflection, discussion on your part and you have to figure yourself out first, what you really want, before you can present a really coherent picture to your spouse. What do you NEED from marriage? What are essentials you can't do without? What lines can't be crossed? Once you know what you absolutely need and demand, you can figure out what you might be able to compromise on because....I think that's what reconciliation basically is. Compromising with a less than perfect or desirable situation so you can achieve what matters most to you. It's not possible for a lot of people - some would not want to have sex with an unfaithful spouse again. Some could not tolerate them traveling or going out with friends.

In many respects it IS easier to divorce and I generally think it's the best option, but you have things you really value that matter to you, namely your kid, and that could be a reason for staying if you are able to construct an acceptable relationship with your spouse at least as long as your child is a minor. You just need to work this through in your own head, and also see what your spouse is willing to do - is she really remorseful about this? Has she done any work to repent - yes, REPENT - of doing this to you? Is she trying to make you feel loved, safe, respected? Has she changed her ways, like a job, or going out, or using drugs - some kind of tangible change? If not, if you do decide to stay for any reason....you need to have these things or it will just be too painful to stay and your child WILL SEE THIS. My parents had a terrible marriage and when I was small....I used to urge my mother to leave my father and take up with this other fellow I liked much better. I was probably 7,8, something like that - kids know more than we think. She didn't, unfortunately.

Please keep coming back here, the people are great and very supportive, and you will be heard. They have many great ideas and insights based on real experience and I think it will help. We don't all agree but we all want to help if we can.
Good luck!!! I think with counseling - someone who has done infidelity or trauma counseling - you will gain greater clarity about what you want and what you must do without. It's the indecision, being stuck in limbo, that to me, is the greatest pain.

I highly suggest IC and MC for you.

For the love of man, PLEASE DO NOT IMMEDIATELY START MC. IC? Hell yeah. Immediately starting MC is about the VERY WORST thing you can do. I’m sure innoculatdimmunity means well, but in this point, he knoweth not what he speaks….

Sorry you are here, mate.

You are two years in and still suffering deeply. If you read here enough you will learn that this is not a wound that time alone heals. There is a regular cadence of threads from people 10, 15, 20 years or more out from D-day that feel like you do now. You don’t want that, and I don’t want that for you.

Looking back, one thing I still have hot anger towards my xWW for is how she emotionally debilitated me for years after D-day, making me a significantly worse father than I could have otherwise been to my children in that timeframe. It’s much better now that I’m not tortured by the A. There is no question in my mind that my kids are better off with me in this state than if I’d have white knuckled it and stayed emotionally crippled.

It’s such a difficult and personal question. I hope for the best for you.

First of all,

[This message edited by Niccola at 10:16 PM, Friday, August 15th]

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that have some really great information. There are other great posts that aren't pinned that you can find by their bull's eye icon that are good resources. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has more information.

If you can, IC with a betrayal trauma specialist may be able to help you. Betrayal is trauma, and you have experienced trauma. I told my therapist that I expected therapy to be work. You may even need EMDR treatment.

The going back & talking about things, repeating yourself? Yeah, that's an affect of the trauma - it's your brain trying to figure out if you're still in danger and need to be in the fight, flight, freeze or fawn mode. Funny thing about our brains...our brain doesn't differentiate between trauma, so betrayal and running for your life from a hungry cheetah are the same.

What has your WW (wayward wife) done to become a safe partner? Maybe there are behaviors that are showing you she isn't a safe person.

We have members whose parents were unfaithful and they stayed together for the children. They have said that it was a terrible way to grow up because of the underlying emotions, tension, etc in the house. Plus, your child will see and later model the behavior she sees in your relationship.

Sorry you're here and keep posting.

ETA:

we had our issues in our marriage that lead to her decision

No marriage is perfect, and we probably have all had issues in our marriages. She had a thousand other decisions that she could have made - gone to IC, insisted on MC, divorced you. Instead HER DECISION was to cheat. That's not on you, that is 100% on her. You are in no way responsible for her cheating.

[This message edited by leafields at 11:59 PM, Thursday, August 14th]

I am so sorry u are here

I agree with leafields. Start with a betrayal trauma ic. There are also many podcasts out there and programs for betrayal trauma. I’d like to add I’m 2 yrs out and would not still be here had my husband not taken 100% responsibility and 100% there for me to be completely transparent. Doesn’t sound like your wife is doing that. She created this mess and needs to understand the impact. Dig into healing library articles and def listen to podcasts so you understand the magnitude of how this affects your brain.

Sending healing thoughts ❤️

The reason you are triggered is because you want a divorce. I would bet you don’t like your wife any more. Her behavior is abysmal. She knows your pain but too bad, somehow her cheating was all your fault. You KNOW that is cruel. You know it but you have decided to live like this for the sake of your child. That is a true dilemma. How do you live with your enemy and not unravel.

If you know you are going to divorce eventually then right now is time to remove your emotions from your wife. Be the most polite person but be somewhere else. If she is in one room you be in another. Take on as many parenting things as you possibly can. On your own take your daughter to Disney. Spend your free time with her, not your wife. I am trying to be practical here. If you mean to live in the house with your enemy you will have to put up as many emotional barricades as you can. You will have to plan being away from her. Go play golf and take your kid. Take dancing classes and take your kid. You no longer look for guilt or sympathy or empathy. You will be on your own until…

Two recommendations:

1) don’t hold your pain in. If you have any desire at all for a healed relationship, you must be able to communicate this pain and consistently get support and understanding. If you choose a zombie marriage (hating her but staying for the kids) then this doesn’t apply.

2) don’t take an ounce of responsibility for her betrayal. All marriages have issues. It is never an appropriate response to lie and cheat and betray. She was the cause of as many of the problems as you were and you didn’t stray. It’s completely on her. If she won’t absolutely own that, you don’t have a person to genuinely R with. If an MC is allowing her to blame you, stand up and walk out. It is an evil to blame a person for the treachery committed against them. This always applies.

Keep posting, it will do you good.

Thank you guys so much for the kind and encouraging words.

[This message edited by Niccola at 10:17 PM, Friday, August 15th]

Niccola, welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join.

Don't blame yourself. Your WW's trip down Infidelity Lane is 100% on her and her alone. Nothing you ever did or didn't do, nothing you ever said or didn't say, would have made any difference at all. Blame-shifting is straight out of the Chester's Handbook. Most wayward spouses try to shift the blame to avoid being held to account. It's bullshit through and through.

IMHO, you are as wrong as wrong could possibly be about "silently suffering for the sake of the kids." Your daughter, I believe, would much rather have a happy father half of the time than a miserable father all of the time. Children fare better coming from a broken home rather than continuing living in a broken home.

No one will ever replace you as her father. So long as you stay engaged, she'll always be your little girl.

You are not alone in this regard. Pah-lenty of betrayed spouses stay for the kids, and, it seems, nearly all of them regret it sooner or later.

My son was barely 4yo on d-day, so I understand, brother, the terrible choice before you.

From what you've written about your unremorsefull WW, reconciliation is never going to happen. You're setting yourself up for 12 years of fucking misery you neither deserve nor want.

Nobody wants to live with misery. Why would they? Do you really think your daughter will one day thank you for staying in a miserable marriage for her sake?

You want a divorce. That seems pretty clear. The only thing stopping you is your 6yo daughter. Stop blaming her for your choice to remain miserable. That's an extremely unfair burden on her.

Thank you Unhinged for your welcome

[This message edited by Niccola at 10:17 PM, Friday, August 15th]

And she has successfully bullied me into a position as I mentioned earlier, where I can't bring any of this stuff without causing multiple day long fights between us.

This is the cause of your pain. Your feeling bullied is just going to destroy you.

I am 12 years out from my H’s last affair. Back story it was a typical midlife crisis affair and he planned to D me for the much younger OW.

For 6 months I was lied to and manipulated and forced to live in a very horrible situation. The emotional roller coaster was destroying me but yet I was forced to pretend "it’s all good" especially in front of the kids.

Long story short I was smart enough to have an exit strategy. I had an excellent therapist who gave it to me straight. Him. & I were in the same page fortunately.

Dday2 - when I found out ny H was still cheating with the same OW — well I finally snapped. I could t do this anymore. Now he’s suddenly decided HE wants to R and is swearing up and down the affair is over.

Very calmly I looked my H in the eye and told him that I was sorry but I am D HIM! I had nothing left to give and he is free to go and be with the OW (or anyone else he chooses). This marriage is over. And I left the room.

I did the hard 180 and refused to speak to him unless kids were present.

He thought he was still in control.

He very quickly learned he had no power, no say, and no standing in my eyes.

We are happily reconciled because I changed. I refused to accept ANY blame for the affair. He tried that crap and I shut it down. I held him accountable for everything he said (which I did not do for decades).

Your being bullied by your wife is the source of your pain and unhappiness. She (wrongfully) believes you won’t leave her. She believed she has all the power and control in your marriage.

Read up on the hard 180. Then do it!

My hard 180 was no longer doing anything for my H. No meals. No dinner together. No conversation. No laundry done for him. No errands. No kindness. I hurled my back on him. Hardest thing I ever did. Broke my heart but I knew it was necessary to protect myself.

I can tell you now after 25 years of being a doormat that my H is now afraid I’m going to D him. I learned how to take control and he no longer takes me for granted.

I hope this helps you. I worry about your mental health living in such a negative situation. And how that can and will affect your child.

PS my H was like your wife in that he thought he was going to control everything after dday2. In 30 seconds he saw what a badass I became and had no idea what to do. It’s a miracle we are still together but the hard 180 showed him I will no longer put up with any crap from him.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:39 AM, Friday, August 15th]

Thank you The1stWife for sharing your story and experience.

[This message edited by Niccola at 10:17 PM, Friday, August 15th]

You need to protect yourself.

If you plan to remain married for however long it is, then you have years to get your exit strategy together.

Close joint accounts. Credit cards, bank etc. Each had individual credit cards and one joint bank account to pay bills etc. start your own separate savings account so you are not struggling financially in the future.

Pay off all debts that you can. Don’t take on any new ones either. Don’t co/sign loans.

Maybe start filing your taxes separately too.

Ignoring / sweeping it under the rug will not work. It will only fester.

Early on my wife tried saying we were both at fault, both to blame for what SHE did and I said this is 100% on you. It took her a long time to finally be able to say it was 100% her fault.

The fact your wife has the balls to place partial blame on you shows she still had not accepted she is 100% to blame. You will not be able to fix your relationship until she fixes this and only she can do that

A truly remorseful spouse will answer the same question over and over and over and will sit and listen when you need to talk or vent or cry or whatever. Sounds like she isn't truly remorseful.

You have found a great community here for support

Brother, I think your fears are clouding your judgment. It's understandable, common, and quite natural. But they are just that: fears.

Fear profits a man nothing.

Divorce and co-parenting is no where near as terrible as you imagine. Seeing my son only half of the time was difficult at first. Being happier all of the time was worth it. He understood that. In fact, he was much happier with happier divorced parents than he was with two unhappy asswipes (such as we were).

I'm neither pro-D nor pro-R. I am pro-happiness. Peace... of mind, body and spirit... is critical in life. From peace springs all things good.

I admire and respect your determination to "protect" your daughter, to want to be there for her every single day, but...

You cannot be a good parent while sacrificing your own peace. It's fake, disingenuous, unauthentic, and whether you believe it or not, your daughter will see right through it and learn some unhealthy lessons.

Again, stop using her as an excuse to justify your own unwillingness to make the changes in your life you seem to want. Life's too short for that.

As you can see from the answers and suggestions, you have gotten we all recognize this life that you were planning on living is unsustainable. I would imagine it has already affected your health and that’s only going to get worse. People cannot live with this kind of stress every day and not pay a bad price for it somewhere down the road.

If you plan on staying until your daughter is at a certain age then you have to sit down by yourself and make plans. You do not have to include your wife in these plans because what she does or does not do should no longer affect you emotionally. Your plans should be around how to be the best dad you can be to your daughter. And then proactively do the steps to be that dad.

You no longer ask your wife any questions. You no longer argue with her. She is a roommate who lives in the same house with you, and is the mother to the same child you love, but there’s no more emotion left for her to harm. That’s a tough one because you’ve loved her.

The 180 is not for controlling, or changing, her. It is to protect you. Your mental and physical health needs you to remove yourself any time you feel those knots in your stomach, the tenseness, the anger. Your body stays in a hyper alert place which will wreck your immune system unless you learn how to back out of the situation immediately. When your ws asks what is going on have a simple answer such as, "I don’t want to deal", and leave. It gives you power over your own life. Your reactions should be emotionless and consistent. Remember they are designed for one thing, to allow you to survive infidelity.